emotional diva

update on Jace's Painting

2010-07-03T00:19:00.002-05:00

tonight i showed up at leslie's door with Jace's painting in hand. with my girls rallying in the car, a bug eyed dog staring at me through a glass door, and the sounds of "who in the world could be here?" ringing from someone inside, i stood, nervous, not knowing what leslie's reaction might be.

i was an unannounced visitor. and when leslie opened the door, she was surprised and demanded to know what i was doing there and why did i have the painting with me. when i tried to give it to her, she declined, saying that i won the painting, it was mine. i reminded her that i knew this, and i could do with it what i pleased, correct?

daniel's painting has a calming peace about it. before i ever even won the painting i decided that if i did, i would give it to leslie. she would derive the most from this grand piece of art. i did not know if she would even want the painting, if it would be too painful, but the peace that exudes from this particular piece of work would not and could not be too painful for her to have. there is something miraculous about this painting, and it was my honor to surprise her with it.

the painting is in its final home, where it belongs, with the people who love Jace the most. a beautiful piece of artwork that has brought so much peace to me, now resides with the person who needs peace from it the most.

i love you leslie! no one deserves this more than you!

Out of this World.

2010-07-02T06:30:00.002-05:00

In Loving Memory of Jace Burgess.

"We are home now, out of this world"

Oil on unprimed

3ft x 4ft

2010

Artist: Daniel Gulick

Never forget & never stop praying for Justice for Jace !

maybe it is the fact that i was abused that Jace's story holds a special place in my heart.

maybe it was because i'd met this amazing little boy and knew his family, not all of them, and not all of them well, but enough to know their hearts and characters.

whatever reason it is, i have not gone one day since hearing the news that he was in the hospital without thinking or praying for and of him or his family for the bulk of my day.

i was already on a path of fulfillment, to change specific patterns in behaviors to make life better for my ladies. so they did not have to endure, see, or hear any more of a life that i grew up in, married into, and brought into my home.

Jace is special. His family is the epitome of what i wish i could provide for my daughters and someday i may get that chance. until then, my friends will continue to be my supplemental family-the lucky dogs! tonight, they did the drawing for the painting that a very special man did to remember Jace. i never win anything, and leslie pulled my name out of the box! i wanted to run down like i was on the price is right!!!

this painting holds a special place in my heart. i already know where it will go, and i am excited to have the opportunity to be able to cherish this beautiful piece of artwork. even though i don't need to look at it to think of Jace or his family, it is nice to look at it, and see that it is significant to the journey that Jace has, and that we all will make one day. to be home...out of this world...

Jace & Leslie & Family have made me slow down and look at what i have and cherish it.

to look at my daughters and say yes, it IS okay to sit in my lap for a few even though you are SO big and it's SO hot. my mother never did enjoy that.

to look at my little friends and hold them a bit longer, take that extra time. i am already good at what i do, but spoiling every once in a while isn't that bad, is it? i don't think so.

to say YES you can have that oreo before dinner instead of harp on how they didn't eat their green beans.

for the first time since my ladies were babies, i allowed them to crawl into my bed without immediately taking them back to their own.

to turn off the computer, the tv, & the phones and say yes girls, it is time for us to do something together.

So Thank You Jace, Leslie, Stacey, Stan, Peggy, Nancy, & Andrew

you all showed me what a family is, and should be for one another. in good times, and in the hard times. and you taught me that even though i am teaching my girls independence and self-reliance, i can still let loose long enough to teach them something i was never taught:

Family Togetherness.

Donations to the Jace Burgess Funeral Fund
Donations can be made at any local Arvest Bank or mailed to:
Arvest Bank at 1515 S. Utica Ave, Tulsa, OK 74114 c/o Jace Burgess Funeral Fund.

1 Word.

2010-06-30T10:00:00.001-05:00

eclipse.
oh my word.
i took leslie to go see the trilogy to keep us busy. i ended up seeing like 100 million people that i know.
i can't go anywhere in tulsa without running into someone. it's hilarious.
my friends have no clue how i know so much about each other.
it's just random really.
shopping...and find out who's pregnant and who thinks they are.
i do not gossip by any means but if asked outright, unless the information is something not my business, i don't mind sharing.

oh and just so you all know:
i am not team edward or team jacob.

all the way!!!!

woot!

ok blogger is acting all freaktastic on me. i have only a left line alignment? what the crap is that? grrr.
ok pic time!

one of my sweet ones was late getting picked up. he doesn't like leaving my house, hence the face.

look who shows up: ang. crazy cracka chick!

and she brings all this baggage with her! i use to babysit these children.

in diapers.

i am old.

*shudders*

wow i'm dark.

leslie was holding back a belch. hahaha

TWILIGHT IS ABOUT TO START!!!

ECLIPSE IS ABOUT TO START!

Ran into Misty & Katy too! I was so excited!! (Can you tell?)

Had to buy the shirt. Wow.

Leslie was NOT holding back a belch here.

eclipse started at 12:02 and over at 2:05.

i trudged in at 2:30 am.

i have no pics of this. there never will be any.

heh.

6:50 am (that) the next morning.

still bright and peppy as ever.

and yes, i slept in my eclipse shirt.

don't hate.

Neglectful Diva. Bad Diva.

2010-06-28T09:33:00.002-05:00

Until roughly 2 weeks ago, I have not posted much at all, I have noticed that many of you have come to my site in the last few months sporadically and I hope that you didn't give up on me!! I am so sorry that I neglected my BlogFamily-but there were many things that I neglected the past few months and I had to square them away before returning to my BlogLand.
Now that these things are dealt with, I am hoping to continue to blog on a regular basis or semi regular. I may not participate in some BlogWorld shared events, but I hope to eventually.
Please bear with me as I journey to become less neglectful and more sharing!!! =)

A Life Taken.

2010-06-16T15:25:00.001-05:00

Life is an opportunity, benefit from it. Life is beauty, admire it. Life is a dream, realize it. Life is a challenge, meet it. Life is a game, play it. Life is a promise, fulfill it. Life is sorrow, overcome it. Life is a song, sing it. Life is a struggle, accept it. Life is a tragedy, confront it. Life is an adventure, dare it. Life is too precious, do not destroy it. Life is life, fight for it. -Mother Teresa

Today we lost a life. A life that was tiny, but was a huge integral part of this world. Jace was a 3 year old little machine...a force to be reckoned with. His mother, Leslie, made sure he got all the love and hugs and kisses in the world. I believe wholeheartedly that she is also the reason he was so strong, so determined, and such a force!

Today will forever be in my memory. The day a life was taken. Jace wasn't just playing one day and then fell. Jace was murdered. Someone decided to shake him violently and take his life from him, from his mother, from his family! I cannot begin to imagine how Leslie and her family are even coping-or how they will continue to cope from this day forth without their precious Jace. I am having a hard time not crying and staying calm, and I'm not even his parent. I don't know if I could be as strong as Leslie has been throughout this. I don't know if I could endure this with half the grace she has.

Jace was an amazing boy. His smile was infectious, his laughter so cute! He had a light in his eyes that was undeniably put there by the caring nature of his mother and by his own mischievous nature. (Nurtured by his mother no doubt! LOL) He was a sweet, kind soul, with a beautiful heart and a playful nature. He had his moments, as most children do, but even those were laughable and memorable!!!

Jace, you are loved and missed.

Leslie, anything you need, if I can provide it, I will.

Lord, wrap your arms around Leslie & her family. Cloak them in your love, your peace, and your strength. Give them your shoulder to cry on, your arms to run into, your lap to sit in, and your words to live by. You will take good care of Jace, we know this. It is hard to accept that he is in a better place because he is not here with his family, but acceptance will come in time. It is hard to let him go because he was so amazing and special, and they want him here with them. Surround them Lord, in this hard time. Thank you Lord, for your grace, your mercy, and your never-ending love. Amen.

RIP

Jace Burgess

6/16/2010

random thought tuesday

2010-01-19T09:16:00.000-06:00

brought to you by the unmom.

of course, twisted slightly by yours truly who decided to add a timer so you can see just how awesome random i actually am...

60 seconds! aaaaand....go!

hey fat jesus, can i have your man-purse!?

a steam vac has been sitting in my living room for months. my floor continues to be stained, and yet the vac sits, unused, neglected...

sarah jessica parker never ever needs to move to the country. flannel does nothing for her nose.

the theme for clifford the big red dog is playing non stop in my head. i think maybe all the noggin songs replay in my head throughout the day...

please.stop.the.madness.

someone please inform me why the cutest fucking dress at gymboree had to be 36 fucking dollars? for a dress for my 6 year old!? are you kidding me?? and it was ON SALE!? i will never ever again feel bad for my wal mart/toys r us clothing purchases! EVER. and if you think less of me for this, i don't care.

*...muttering about 36 dollars for a fucking dress for a 6 year old...*

why oh why does my daughter think ketchup, peach syrup (from a peach can), water, and yogurt is "science"??

let's not forget to top it with "e-z cheese" *le sigh*

so there's this girl. & i miss her tons...i love you still!

ok...geez...haiti...i get it...

i mean, i care, but...don't we have our own shit to worry about? economy, job security, social security, ummm...etc...yeah...just sayin. enough's enough.

whoa...is my hair out?

...rick-a-rick-a reverse...

why is everytime i turn on the tv it's something about the jackson 5?

i thought we were over this shit?

are we really supposed to care that obama sent his first presidential tweet? oh, i'm sorry i shouldn't assume that's annoying to everyone. i shall rephrase: am i really supposed to care that obama sent his first presidential tweet?

is the president tweeting part of his job description? i am so picturing him in the oval office with his nose in his cell phone and a stack of unemployment figures on his desk.

who would download an app to prohibit texting whilst driving?

p.s.: avatar rocked. so i heard. i shall try to watch it today for the 2nd time & hope i don't fall asleep. again. lol

would you pick your child's gender if you could?

im on a sound diet. if it sounds good...i eat it.

i'm dyin: june 30th, people. june 30th.

yeahhhh thinkin' that's about all i got...

Uh huh...

2010-01-15T03:08:00.002-06:00

Yes, I realize that I have not posted.

Yes, I will in the very near future.

For now, you will have to just do THIS: (I did it looks hella-funtastic!)

Love Love Peeps.

scars remind us where we've been...

2009-12-11T14:04:00.000-06:00

in the movie forrest gump, there's a quote in there that goes like this:

forrest: momma always says there's an awful lot you could tell about a person by their shoes. where they're going. where they've been. i've worn lots of shoes. i bet if I think about it real hard i could remember my first pair of shoes.

scars are harder to read than shoes. with shoes, you can tell a hooker from a business woman. a librarian from a track runner. a soccer player from an artist. you can label people from their shoes. but strip them down, and we are all the same.

i get along with most people i meet. but there are some who don't like me. i don't know why. i don't understand why. and it bugs me to death if someone doesn't like me. i think i'm the nicest person in the world. i would do anything for anyone if i thought it would make that person smile. a lot of people perceive my kindness for weakness. people underestimate me constantly.

someone told me the other day that they thought i was a snob because of how i acted when i first met them like 9 years ago. i use to be extremely shy in first meetings. i'd try to act nonchalant, play with my hair, look anywhere but at the person i'm meeting. seeing me now, no one would imagine that i was shy in any setting. now, i walk right up and introduce myself. i do silly things and talk about random shit.

i wasn't just shy. i had scars. scars that berated me with "you shouldn't be here" and "you don't belong here this is wrong" and "all men want is one thing" and "this is an abomination" and countless other no-no's that were instilled in me growing up. scars that made me afraid to speak out or speak up or to be myself. scars that riddled me with so little self esteem that i was terrified to be ignored, laughed at, or thought as odd. the funny thing is, i actually think my oddity now is a trademark.

with scars, you can't have preconceived notions. you can't have assumptions. you have to jump in and put away your pride and you have to get to know that person so that maybe you can understand them, where they are coming from, where they've been, and where they are going.

so the next time you see someone and they rub you the wrong way, or you think wow, that's kinda...hmmm...they're weird i don't think i like them,

put away the snobbery. put away the ridicule you feel. take a closer look. and retrace your steps, take their hand and say, hello. everyone has something going on. you never know who just lost a sibling, parent, lover, or child. you can't tell loss or heartbreak or disappointment by shoes.

but by scars you can find out a story. just a few of my stories:

scar #1:

where: knee

story: i was teaching my little brother how to ride a bike. we lived in a 3 bedroom section 8 apartment home at the top of a hill in the projects in fairfax, alabama. he ran into me as i let go of the bike because he got scared and turned the wheel. the spoke was tattered and jagged and ripped my knee open.

i do not have any communication with my brother any more. the things that occurred over this past summer sealed that up and i put it on the shelf to maybe open at a much later date. but i still have this story. and this story tells the tale of a once very close brother and sister.

scar #2:

where: chin

story: i was living in the above mentioned projects and i wanted a bike REALLY bad. my brother had just learned to ride my old one and my parents were poor so that meant i had to do without. (normal) so i wanted to ride my friend's brother's bike. my dad said no, because he didn't have the money to replace it if i broke it and also, this friend's brother was a teenager and his bike had no brakes. hahaha. see where this is going? so i rode it anyway and thought i was hot stuff popping wheelies over the speed mountains until i hit this one going too fast and it threw me off the bike.

i flew across the speed mountain and landed on my stomach on some old woman's driveway. and i remember thinking wow, that was close! and then the next thing i knew my head was smashed into the concrete, chin down and i busted my chin open. the bike had flown into the air and came down right on my head.

my mother said i was being dramatic and that i could walk home when the old lady called her to come get me. she said i was a drama queen and it was just a scratch and she didn't want to miss her "General Hospital." i ended up getting 72 stitches. and i still have the scar. it taught me: never get overly confident & don't trust my mother to love anything or anyone except herself.

scar #3
where: can't see it.
story: when i was 6 years old, i was awakened by my sister who was 13. she told me that she loved me and gave me her crimping iron (i'd been gawking at it since she bought it) and that if she could take me with her, she would. i did not see her again until i was 16. and then not again until i was 21. @ the age of 22, i found out some stuff that my mother had been lying about and i called my sister up and talked to her. now, my sister and i are pretty close. it has taken 6 long agonizing years of tearing away that scar tissue to repair 15 years worth of damage to our sister-relationship. but those 6 years have been worth it.

scar #4
where: lower back & sides
story: i have riddles of scars on my lower back and sides from my ex husband. he got mad enough to where he actually threw me through a double window-paned sliding glass door. i went through it. shattered both panes. flipped over the couch on the balconey. this was the incident that sent myself & lady o into the er. i was pregnant with lady n. and i never went back.

soooo idk where or why this post came out of me today. but maybe another day, i'll share some more scars. and when i do, you'll have some insights into ms. diva. that may or may not change your thoughts about me.

ps: i have decided to change my pattern with men. the next one will not be a woman beating fool. LOL

random thoughts tuesday

2009-12-08T11:24:00.003-06:00

brought to you by the unmom.

with a slight twist from moi by adding in a timer.

because to me, random thoughts are refreshing when you don't know what imma be sayin' next!

you know the drill. i rock. timer is set to 60 seconds. lets see what i can get outta my brain now!

you must check out my girl's site. she's new so she needs encouragement. go now. yes. NOW. i did not stutter!

i miss my emotional twinkie. she needs to hurrythehellup and come home before i go into permanent withdrawals. =(

really want pizza but will settle for subway.

hearing babies laughing makes me laugh too. contagious much?

i am super duper happy with my life right now.

i want the ex to stop e mailing me. especially @ midnight. i don't need that shit.

i want a dyson for christmas. i could love vacuuming, right?

reeses pb cups are now made with nuts and pecans in them.

can i say heaaavenlyyyyyyyy without sounding like pb cups is code for "i got laid last night?" hahahahaaaaa no? allright. fine. *pout*

some babies are NOT pretty when first born. why is it not okay to state this when asked? what am i supposed to do? LIE?

what possessed lady gaga to have beyonce sing with her? i mean was she sitting at the studio somewhere jammin to a beat and thought "wow, i know exactly what this song needs....beyonce-tude!" and poof...telephone was born?

and was that beyonce in that song or was it sasha fierce? because i'm totally confused now. hmmm

read on my other girl's site comments that adam lambert is trying to be a total boy britney. yanno what?

i totally agree! hilarity!

i can so hear him (adam lambert) singing "i'm miss american dream since i was seventeen...do YOU wanna piece of me!?"

no, adam. i do NOT want a piece of you. and ps. the cover of your album looks like PINK in DRAG!

good for him, bad for her? unsure.

did i seriously use 45 seconds on adam lambert? what's wrong with mi cabeza??? i don't think i spent 2 seconds on AI listening to him sing?

crap. time to feed the kids. and the dinger's about to ding. yeah right about....

i want your psycho, your vertigo schtick...

2009-12-08T10:10:00.003-06:00

stefani aka "lady gaga"

the first time i heard lady gaga was wayyyy early last year [maybe even late the year before?] i don't remember! lol.

i wanted to fight it. i wanted to hate her. she was so skinny, so tall, so blonde, so unlike anything i had ever heard or seen before. a friend of mine's father has a "connection" with the releases of new artists/films, etc and she got a pre-released demo of the first few songs lady gaga was to be releasing. [yes, i'm bragging, no i don't feel bad about it! lol]

but i didn't hate her. i LOVED her. i adored her pop-py tune and the oddity of her voice, her style. and she hasn't disappointed with her videos either! [btw, for you true blood fans, eric, the vampire sheriff, plays as her lover in the video paparazzi! he is soooo handsome! and how lucky for gaga! she got to kiss him! even though he did shove her off the balconey. bad eric! bad bad eric!]

so omw back from texas the other night, i bought her "the fame monster" album because i mean, i hadn't gotten it yet & i really really really wanted to have the song at my house! [the ex took the computer with the iTunes on it, (his computer so it's all good) and i wasn't able to copy to cd. so i can't plug up my iPod to add new music or i lose all 4.5 days i already have stored on it. booooo!]

of course bad romance is the hit on this particular release but the song i am addicted to is actually "alejandro" i don't know why, but it has an addicting beat. i'm not too crazy about her speechless song (too slow) and i thought telephone was pretty awesome til beyonce starting singing. so....

here's my fav song of hers, no video yet but i'm sitting on the edge of my seat waiting!

i watched her on fuse last night and she has a pretty awesome aura about her. she also explained a lot of her songs on there and her reasonings behind her work. i was completely into it. don't ask me why. it's kinda weird for me to be this gaga over an artist (i don't know if that pun was intended yet or not...lol) she said bad romance's lyrics had to do with alfred hitchcock movies because she is a huge fan of his...

i want your psycho

your vertigo schtick

want you in my rear window

when your baby is sick (referenced to rosemary's baby)

and i honestly don't know why i have devoted this entire post to lady gaga, but i am definitely a huge gaga fan. and i heard that when she sang monster in boston, she opened up singing "boston ate my heart..." instead of "he ate my heart" and i don't know why i think that is awesometastic, [maybe cause i was just there? idk] but i do so whatev!

lol now that you think im completely insane, just go listen to alejandro if you can. it's catchy. seriously.

i didn't....

2009-12-07T11:31:00.003-06:00

Are you feeling guilty for using hand soap as body wash in the tub because grocery shopping is long overdue? Overcome with shame because raised your voice at your kids outside church yesterday and you're pretty sure the pastor overheard you? Well don't be! Not Me! Monday was born out of MckMama's desire to admit some of her imperfections and reveal a few moments she'd rather forget.

So I decided to join in and hide my mortification behind humor and sarcasm. =)

do 12 (more like 8) loads of laundry ALL DAY on friday just so we had clothes to take on our trip. we didn't take that many with us, but i didn't decide to wash everything(!) in the house so that i could pick and choose whatever i wanted. nooo way! not this chica!
leave @ 3 am to head to tyler, tx with friend mels & the ladies in tow (on 0 hours of sleep. ha!) thankfully the ladies slept through the whole "let's not miss the 271 s exit and continue straight through to idabel, ok!" (which i totally knew where that was at so there was no fear that i wasn't going to get out of ok at all!)
take the convenience store lady's advice when she said "now you go down 'bout fourth a miles that-a-ways, an' ya take yerself a right. an' ya git yerself on that 30 wayest innerstate. and ya drive til ya see tha exit that says "tyla" and ya take 'at all da way ta tyla. butchu gonna be drivin awhile now, k? an' dats all i knows." yeah, i totally didn't do that. nope. not me. (c'mon! there was NO ONE around for miles! what else was i gonna do!?)
survive on rockstars & white cheddar popcorn *shakes head fervently* until 30 w clearly indicated that i was no longer heading in "tyla" direction because *gasp* there's totally a tyla exit! and in retrospect...i knew that cuz tyler is south and 30 was taking me, well, west. yeah. west.
do the exact same thing coming home. but this time it wasn't because i couldn't find my exit. it was cuz i had 2 calls back to back and well, i was ON the turnpike heading towards tulsa and omgoshies for some reason got off of it @ henryetta to head to okc? was i drunk? sure i wasn't!!

in all seriousness though, i went to tex-ass this weekend. i adore texas. i wished i had gone to dallas but you know what? things happen for a reason. and i'd have spent too much money doing or buying too many things that i really didn't need (but it would have felt soooo good! how naughty is that!?)

we headed out to tyler texas to visit my friend misty. she and i go wayyyy back and she has lived there for awhile but just never made it out to see her. when she found out she was moving to alabama, i figured i better get my butt out there to see her before she left. tyler tx, i could do. odenville, al might be a little too far to go. =)
we stayed on a ranch, and my children quickly found out what it's like to have nothing to do. they hated it. i hated it because they turned into insane monsters who wanted to do something but either there was nothing to do, or it was raining. fun fun! at least now they can appreciate what they have here at the house more. i hope.

im also excited for wednesday. i get to see an old friend for dinner! yay me! i get some adult conversation! woooooot!

ok...so i will have pics as soon as i can find my cord. and i have a bedroom full of laundry that needs to be put away. =) so until later...ciao!

i suppose i should blog now, eh?

2009-12-04T15:06:00.001-06:00

i bet you think i died.

or went on a month long sleeping binge.

or perhaps i decided to wallow around in my own self pity and forget about my lovely blog readers.

or i'm blogging on the protected site, detoxing diva.

well i've done none of those.

ok ok i did go on a laying around the house in my new pink robe

(that i bought myself for my birthday) and off and on sleeping for 1 weekend (my birthday weekend) because of some things that had gone on but you know what?

i deserved it.

i deserved it because i work hard, no matter what anyone else thinks.

because i'm a good mom and a working mother is the busiest person there is if she does it right and even busier when she doesn't!

because i've spent my life doing for others and giving and doing and it was about time i did something for me.

so here i sit, letting you know that i'm not dead. or wallowing. or sleeping. or cheat-blogging @ the closed site.

guess what i AM doing?

i am:

being a better mother

being a better worker

being more positive about myself

being active (wow 10 lbs already are you kidding me?) even though it's more like umm yeah having trouble eating...

taking care of ME. (Jax, totally took your suggestions, & you are rocktastic, woman! Thanks chica!)

writing. as in, writing again. not blogging. but writing. it is wonderful.

i'm busy! but a GOOD busy. i'm not exhaustifyingly trying to get some emotion in or out of someone who just wasn't into being emotional on any scale. i'm cleaning and going to the park and getting out with other mothers and their children (loveeee me some becks!) and am helping the girls with their homework and just basically doing all the things i'm supposed to be doing but it just feels like there's this huge heavy burden lifted right off of my shoulders and i'm unsure of what that means exactly at this moment in time but i do know that it feels GREAT!

it is so refreshing to not have to worry about what time the dishes are done and how fast they get done. to not have to worry about being so clean and perfect and exact at every moment about little tiny things!

i can breathe now. and i can dance at 6:30 am with Lady Gaga blaring while the ladies dress themselves. no more tippy-toeing around and no more shhh's! and no more my dressing the ladies because it was faster and they looked neater.

so if i'm not on here blogging it may just be because i'm happy! and happy diva doesn't know how to internalize happy and change it into sad because what sane person would do that?? diva only knows how to internalize sadness and change it into cynical & happy because that was easier than admitting i was just sad.

so. i'm here. and i'm happy. and i'm going to get back to my regularly scheduled blogging...because i now have stuff to talk about since i'm actually DOING stuff!

yay!!!!!!!!!

new moonage & the 2-9.

2009-11-23T10:50:00.000-06:00

dinner @ napoli's

movie @ cinemark

friday night was pretty awesome for a few short hours. before the imploding texts from THE EX started.

officially entered the death year...

2009-11-23T10:37:00.000-06:00

this might be a downer post. i just can't seem to snap out of it. and people aren't used to seeing me like this so it's a constant parade of "are you suuure you're okay?" and "what's wrong hun??"

so i posted on my facebook i was dancing around.

lie. geezus. i lied in a facebook status. wanna know why? k, i'll tell you.

because apparently i'm not allowed to be sad.

or mad.

or upset.

or down.

or for crying out loud a little bit blue!

shouldn't a person be able to put a sad face on their status without having to display details to the world? i mean i guess i could just solve the whole issue and post this:

"is thinking that life is no longer worth living. i cannot stand this eternal darkness any longer! i'm bawling like a baby on my bed with the TV & the iPod blaring and still i feel so fucking cold and sad and moody!" as opposed to this:

"=("

but then come on. shouldn't i be allowed to post a sad face? and the latter...well that's just melodramatic and begging someone to comment. it's not that i don't LIKE people's commentating. it's more like...dude, text me if you have a question. or just leave it alone.

facebook should have an option on whether or not comments can be posted to a status message. JUST.SAYIN.

and why aren't i allowed to post my grievances??

because i'm diva, the chica that lives up to her name and is happy go lucky and nothing ever bothers her.

this is probably where the whole "you've been happy all your life" comes in to play.

i always thought i was an open book. i prided myself on how open and trusting i was with people. until i look at myself now and i see that all i have ever done in life is hide and lie about who i really am. i have always portrayed myself to be this happy person but if you all really truly knew what it was to live my childhood...

my birthday was this weekend. i have officially entered the death year. the last and final year of my 20's and i sit back and don't understand how did i get here so fast? i still feel 20! i still feel like i have all this time left before i'm 30 and um helllooo people i don't!

my goal for next year is to go to new york. take a gf with me. party like a friggin rock star and get punk ass drunk. yes. i think that should be fun.

awards: love lady gaga.
adam lambert is super creepy. that wasn't even sexy...it was more like...awkwardly snuff film worthy without the snuffing but should have been snuffed.

wbw

2009-11-18T10:31:00.000-06:00

i promised since last week was about lady n that this week would be about lady o. she is handling things well although her temperment gets the best of her sometimes but doesn't that happen to all of us?

she is in a new classroom as of last week and is doing MUCH better in her schoolwork. she did get diagnosed with ADHD 2 weeks ago and am working towards getting her on some meds to help her focus.

lady o after her cochlear implant surgery

15 months old. 11.03

lady o for school pics.

11.09

almost 2 weeks.

2009-11-18T09:06:00.001-06:00

friends are lovely.

since sir g and i split, i have had friends crawling out of the woodworks like crazy. i didn't realize just how cut off from friends & the world i was until now. people i thought had forgotten about me or just plain didn't care are kind of coming in from all directions. i think this is wonderful. they are helping so much, i am barely having to do anything for myself.

the girls are immeasureably calm. i have had my head butting with lady o and her rage fest has only erupted twice and both times were very brief. [thank you jesus!]

i am having a hard time sleeping. i go to bed but can't fall asleep and i've tried everything under the sun. but on the upside, i have had NO panic attacks. the familiar warning signs do pop up if the house is quiet and i hear a sound. i freeze and wonder is he looking in the windows? is he watching across the street? my therapist says this is very normal and it should last a week or so more before it gets better. i can't wait for it to get better.

i do not miss him. i don't even miss just the "being here" part. last night the girls and i spread blankets out on the livingroom floor and ate pizza and watched inspector gadget and afterwards they took baths [started their own water & everything!] and even put themselves to bed @ 8 pm [they are allowed to watch cartoons until 8:30] with no problems. sure we came close to a few spills but isn't that what the blankets/towels were for?

so i keep waking up mega late. and this sucks. grrr i hate sleeping. i miss out on so much but i suppose missing out on stuff at night is better than the girls missing the bus, sleep just needs to come. i have something on my mind on top of everything else and it's consumming wayyyy too much of my thoughts. i have to either get with it or move on from it. grrrrrrrr.

i think that is all for now. =) have a great day!

diva is detoxing!

2009-11-13T11:27:00.002-06:00

my therapist has suggested that i detox my mind and body from the last 2 years of abuse that i have been experiencing. since this is an open blog, and i like the airy nature of it, i have decided to move all future "purging posts" to a separate blog: detoxing diva.

if you are interested in viewing that one, you are more than welcome to e mail me here and request to read. i will not be offended if you choose not to. i understand that alot of what i will be writing in that blog will be difficult for you to read just as much as it will be for me to write it. and i definitely understand that there are so many blogs out there to read. just wanted you all to know that it is available if you're interested.

i don't know how often i will write in there. my therapist would probably suggest once a day if i can't handle my thoughts, or more than likely a "whenever i feel like purging". the only problem with that is, i stuff everything and she *thinks* i need to stop stuffing which is why she would probably suggest once a day to take a moment and just purge.

i will still have this blog. and i want to do great things with it! thank you all for your reading, your time, and your support!!!

ps: i am going to try to respond to all comments (if i can) so bare with me. I have set up this mobile stuff so that when i get my alerts, i can try to respond immediately! this will help me to keep in touch with my readers because i know i love it when my comment is recognized!! =)

to my readers:

2009-11-11T23:35:00.000-06:00

first & foremost i would like to thank each and every one of you who has commented on my last few posts. i have been through this before, and stupidly and blindly ended up in it again. we all want to believe the best out of people, but when push comes to shove, past behavior predicts future behavior and better safe than sorry.

i think i shall be swearing off men in my future. i don't know for how long. as long as it takes for the ladies & i to heal and move forward as mother & daughters with healthy perspectives and healthy approaches to the daily tasks that lay before us.

your comments really mean a lot to me. i really was afraid that i would feel so alone, but i haven't. many friends i wasn't even aware that cared as much as they do are stepping up and saying "how can i help you" and "what is it that you need?" that is a great feeling. especially for me, a girl with no immediate family in 1000 mile radius. sure i have an aunt that i'm not particularly close to in kansas city but she's lived there for 3 years and this is the first time i went to visit her.

there were only a small handful of people that knew what was going on. up until last week, only 2 people in my life knew details and they only found out within the last few weeks. i have known for quite some time that i could not continue this life with sir g. oh how i wanted to! i wanted to buy a house, get him his truck, his equipment, and have another child or 2. and i wanted to do that with him. but people are incomprehensible at times and emotions are toyed with and perspectives are changed and then at some point someone had to step back and say whoa. rewind! when did this happen?! how did i not realize this was going on!?

every moment i spend without him is another moment that reaffirms to me that my decision was the best decision for myself & my girls. every day that has passed is another day without worry or fear. i have gone from a minimum of 4 panic attacks a day to none at all.

to a special friend: your daily encouragement and your friendship means so much to me. you are unaware of how many times i was hurt, crying, devastated, or hiding in my closet when you messaged me and took me out of my pain. you and your incessant IM's helped me to get through some of the roughest days with sir g that i have ever had. you will never be able to understand how much i clung to our friendship because most days, it was all i really had. so thank you. from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much!
to the unexpected ally @ 1 am while on my way to kansas city: you showed up out of the blue in my inbox on a day where i wasn't even sure if i wanted to respond to you. but that is my expertise and i love being a know it all and i knew you needed support and i needed something to be involved in so i could get my failing relationship out of my head. and an extraordinary thing happened! this beautiful, wonderful woman ended up being more to me in that particular time of need than i could have ever imagined. thank you for showing up. you reaffirmed to me that i did have people out there that thought about me and cared about me even though i didn't know it.

WBW

2009-11-11T10:12:00.002-06:00

lady n has been on my mind today because she is the one who is taking this break up the easiest. i don't fully understand this, because she was sir g's bug, his little girl, his love. and she was crazy about him. she is happy and has told me many times that she is excited and glad that we aren't going to be continuing in a house always in an uproar with showers, bedtimes, and eating.

so my WBW today is going to be lady n. her birthday is in less than a month anyway, and next week i'll go find some old pics of lady o and do the same thing. =)

lady n 12.05

lady n 11.09

life continues doesn't it?

2009-11-10T13:19:00.001-06:00

nothing can describe how i feel other than sadness & relief at the same time. i do not know when he changed, i do not know when i changed. i do not know anything at the moment except to get through this day and then get through this night and then get through the next day.

this am i was flipping through my dvr. i saw a show that was recorded last night and was about to hit "play" when i thought "sir g loves this show. i'll wait til he gets home to watch it!" and my excitement was immediately lost when i realized that he's not coming home tonight. he's not coming home ever.

this is my home now. myself & my girls. no more fear of criticism. no more fear of rejection. no more fear of being controlled.

do not get me wrong. i am not on here telling you this to bad mouth sir g. i truely did [and still do] love him. but neither of us was healthy together. we were not compatible on so many levels. who knew that the arguments would go too far? who knew that the buttons would be pushed so many times that it wore away the outsides?

i have had a few people ask me, "how can you still love him!? after all he put you through, how can you still love him and not be pissed at him?"

my answer is this:
i still love him because 6 years is a long time to make memories. some are bad, but some are good. and i have to find that happy medium so that i remind myself of why i asked him to leave but am still able to miss him and love him despite the fact that i asked him to leave.
i am not pissed because what would that accomplish? how often do we hold grudges? hold on to past hurts? where does it take us? no where. i don't want to be no where. i want to be healthy and able to teach my kids the important things in life.

in 10 years no one will remember:
how good i was at my job.
how many hours i worked overtime.
the sacrifices i made.
the hurts that i incurred.

in 10 years though, everyone will remember:
what kind of a parent i was.
what my children were like before this life-altering change.
what my children are like after this life-altering change.

sure, i live for my job and i am always readily excited about what i do. i'm incredibly superior in anything i put my mind to. but i just don't give a rat's ass anymore about what people think. life is too short to worry if they are going to awknowledge me in Macy's because I have a designer handbag or not. [i mean, i do have one, but sheesh, that's harsh!] life is too fun to live in a constant state of paranoia and even though most things that happen are preventable, being tunnelvisioned to the point where you miss everything else outside your spectrum of paranoia, can be the foundation for a life full of fear and that's just not the way i want my girls to learn how to live their lives.

so this weekend, whilst sir g was moving out, i was in kansas city, missouri visiting relatives. we formed a "let's talk bad about and make fun of [my mother's name] club" because she did the same thing to her sisters and mother that she's done to me only they are all old so it was like, centuries ago. it was laid back and fun and i really seriously thought i never wanted it to end. i also love the scarf that i am wearing in this pic. i purchased it at old navy before leaving and think it matched my shirt perfectly! i am loving scarves. why did this never occur to me before?

[From top to bottom, left to right: Aunt D, Grandmere, Diva, Aunt T, Lady N, Lady O.]

after we left aunt d's house, the girls wanted to go swimming at the hotel pool. since i didn't have a bathing suit, i went searching for one. impossible. so omw back to the hotel, i passed a jcpenney and stopped in to see what they miiiiiiiiiiiiight have.

nothing. bastards. but swimsuits are made from lycra and all that shizzz right? so i bought this superrrrcuuuuute work out outfit. yes people. it's cuuuuuuuuuute.

i totally would have worn this in the pool too, but when we got back to the hotel, the pool was out of order. again, bastards!

on our way back to the car, the girls saw these light poles and wanted to pull a "jackie on rodeo drive" so I allowed them and then texted the pics to jackie. sweet girl, even though she was in dallas having a blast, she still sent my girls a "loooove it!" text back and they were excited! (thank you jackie, you made their day!)

sunday we met up with my friend laura from high school. sweet sweet girl. and her husband evan is awesome. he was great with the girls and we ate some awesome bar-b-que at this place called BB's [it was the best barbeque ever.] and we all ordered whatever so we could chow-down all family style. mmmmmm. yummmay! then afterwards we went to the kansas city zoo and explored as much as we could. i'm thinking another trip just to do the zoo is in order in the next few months.

[playing tic tac toe.]

Kansas City Zoo:

while we were at the restaraunt, lady n accidently spilled her drink. yes, she was being wiggly. yes, she was moving around, and yes, if we'd hurried up to eat our food instead of sitting around watching the KC/Jag game [gooooo jags!] then she probably wouldn't have gotten so antsy of being in the same place for over an hour. but when she spilled it she went crazy with crying & apologizing and hid under the table. because with sir g, if you spilled a cup of anything you were in trouble. like get lectured, taken to the bathroom spanked trouble.

i calmed her down and i said "lady n, it's okay. we got napkins and we cleaned it up. accidents happen..." she cried and said "noooo, daddy says accidents are inventable! [preventable]" and looked at me like i'd lost my damn mind.

*sigh* i have a lot of re-teaching to do.

because it's time.

2009-11-09T02:17:00.000-06:00

i am typing today as a new person. or, working on becoming a new person. i just took a huge step towards becoming healthy. some friends that i have helped in that, and i thank those few people if they read this. they know who they are. and what they did for me. and in this emotional turmoil, i sit and wonder where do i go from here?

i'll tell you where:

i will teach my ladies

that it is OK to spill a drink. because not all accidents are preventable. and accidents do happen. and it's okay. it's what we do with those accidents and how we handle them that's important.
that it is NOT OK to let a man hit you. beat you. break you. criticize you. so that they do not make the same mistake that i made twice over. so that they don't have to feel beaten down in every way by someone that is supposed to love you.
that even though some people use sorry in the wrong way, that not every sorry is robotic and sarcastic. that they are allowed to forgive people and be okay with just accepting the apology for what it is.
to be strong women. who stand up for what they believe in and don't let anyone tell them that they aren't good enough or smart enough to accomplish their dreams.
to be compassionate and open to other's beliefs even if it means putting their own on the backburner to just hear what other people are saying.

this new road is going to be very odd. i have not been single in many many years. this is new territory for me. but i will survive it. i will make it. and i will embrace this freedom with everything i have.

my hump day dump

2009-11-04T15:03:00.000-06:00

screw it. i'm dumping today.

i tried to write a post for not me monday. and i tried to write a post for random tuesday thoughts. even got out the timer.

no such luck.

i have had a sore week. my heart is sore. my head is sore. my mind is sore. i got a friend in trouble on accident. i have some stuff going on that i can't talk about yet because i don't know what's going to happen. and then yesterday i find out that lady o's teacher is verbally and emotionally abusing her and you know what?

that shit does not fly with me.

so now i'm in the process of trying to get her moved to another classroom but the freaking principal isn't in the office today so she has to make do in a classroom where she DOESN'T feel safe or accepted and what does that say about me?! sending her to school to be screamed and yelled at simply because she isn't like other kids.

lady o can't fall behind. she can't get back on track in a normal amount of time. i didn't spend the last 7 years of her life doing massive auditory verbal therapy and make good use out of her implants so that she could be smacked down from some stuck in the same grade teaching the same shit to the same age of kids teacher. when she started school this year she was confident and she held her head high. she was full of so much vibrance. this last month has taken it's toll on her and her grades.

is lady o high maintenance? yes she is.

is that her fault? no, it's not.

should she be punished for that? HELL to he N-O!

blog awards! yay!

2009-10-30T14:23:00.002-05:00

still with the orange. yes. i am.

so i got some blog awards last week. 2 amazing women! 2 amazing bloggers! 1 of them is a mirror of my southern persona. the other is a great long distance friend who still needs an update on my summer excursion as soon as i get the go ahead to be public with it! LOL

sweet southern mama

and stacia

presented me with these awesome blog awards [will be posted on side roll shortly!]:

Thank you soooooo much to Sweet Southern Mama!! I just love your blog! If you ladies have never read SSM's blog, you should definitely stop by and say heyyyy!! I promise you will keep going back!

so here are the rules for this award...

You Can Only Use One Word!

Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers!

Alert them that you have given them this award!

Have fun!

1. Where is your cell phone? hand.
2. Your hair? thick.
3. Your mother? ________.
4. Your father? ________.
5. Your favorite food? hummus.
6. Your dream last night? insomniac.
7. Your favorite drink? rootbeer.
8. Your dream/goal? writer.
9. What room are you in? livingroom.
10. Your hobby? yakkin.
11. Your fear? slime.
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? famous.
13. Where were you last night? therapy.
14. Something that you aren’t? skinny.
15. Muffins? banana.
16. Wish list item? truck.
17. Where did you grow up? everywhere.
18. Last thing you did? text.
19. What are you wearing? scarves.
20. Your TV? vampire.
21. Your pets? none.
22. Friends? distant.
23. Your life? busier.
24. Your mood? amorous.
25. Missing someone? grandmother.

26. Vehicle? ford.
27. Something you’re not wearing? rings.
28. Your favorite store? lots.
29. Your favorite color? pink.
30. When was the last time you laughed? today.
31. Last time you cried? today.
32. Your best friend? kellster.
33. One place that I go to over and over? walmart.
34. One person who emails me regularly? tracy.
35. Favorite place to eat? el vecchio

6 Favorite Bloggers:

Thank you Stacia for the Your Blog is Fabulous award!!! Stacia is the best mom ever! And the best sleuth ever! Please follow her to the Can of Whoop-Ass aisle! She will be needing lots of it!! There you will find out how she was robbed, found the robber, and is in the process of bringing their stank ass to justice!

The rules for this one are simple; just share five things you are obsessed with, and then pass the award on to five of the most fabulous blogs you read!

My Blackberry. Ahem. Must I remind you people that they don't call it "crackberry" because it's a witty name. Everything goes to the palm of my hand. Seriously, i have anything and everything I ever wanted at my fingertips 24/7. I wanna read...click click swoosh. I wanna laugh...click click swoosh. I wanna annoy my friends at 2 am?...click click swoosh! I need to e mail a client? clickity clack send! I need to find out how to get from A to B? Mapfrigginquest. On the road. Saaaaaweet! Can't beat the blackberry. Simply can't. Ack!!!
Old Navy. Especially their scarves. A little looong, but hey, I'm super-de-duper short so...Yes people. This tomboy turned girly girl is completely obsessed with Old Navy. When the hell did this happen? I have no friggin clue. I blame kelli. she's the one who started it.
Blogger. even when i'm not writing, i'm reading it. all the time. On my computer, on my bb, everywhere. =) You guys are soooooo special!
Babies. Omg. I loooooove babies. I just want to hold them and crush them and smell them! I'm so excited that so many of my friends have babies! [This may change as an obsession once I get my fill. just an fyi...teehee!]
Prime Time Television. Need I say more?? I think not.

Okay, blog peeps!! I get to tag five of you fabulous bloggers!

Zan @ Therapy is Effin Expensive!
Cassie @ My Life With Kids!
Kristin @ This is the Story of a Girl!
Blaze @ Well You Wanted to Know My Thoughts...!
Jennifer @ Mud Pies for Mommy!

aloha friday

2009-10-30T10:03:00.000-05:00

still orange for yaya! =) man i'm really plugging her this week!!! =)

i found out about this at blueviolet's page and she got it from an island life. i thought it was interesting so i decided to do it! =)

blueviolet's question:

What was one of your favorite art projects that you remember making in school? Maybe you or your parents still have it?!

my answer:

i made my momo a terra cotta merry christmas platter [for cookies for santa of course!] in 1994. i found it in a box after she passed and decided to do one for my oldest daughter, lady o in 2002! i think i did one for lady n too, but i cannot find it! ack!

an island life's question:

What was the last thing that you splurged on?

my answer:

old navy scarf & 2 shirts. omg. don't tell sir g!! LOL

my question for all of you:

What is the funniest thing that someone said to you today?

my friend laura sent me her address. she lives out of state and i am visiting a relative there in the coming months. i wanted to visit her as well since i haven't seen her in a long long time! at the end of her email she types:

"here's my address, bells! but we're going on a camping trip this weekend so don't rob us while we're gone! love from both of us, e&l"

what.the.fuck?

i had to laugh. just like laura to say some shit like that!

this will probably be a long post.

2009-10-30T05:24:00.000-05:00

there are many many things i haven't done this week. daily blogging is one of them. i know this sounds horrible, but i was still under the impression that the interview i did on yaya [notice the orange?...yes for her! lol!!] still had to be done by wednesday, otherwise i'd have never taken the moment to post it! and random tuesday was too good a post to miss out on!

last friday was a horrible day. i woke up late, tried to be ok, and honestly for the first time in whenever i fought falling asleep during my morning routine. thank goodness i have a long lunch break. around 2:30 i took some vitamin c and all seemed right with the world again. at least on the outside. on the inside, my heart was breaking. all.day.long. thank you extends to kelli, for being there for me all day the day before and all day friday because lord knows i was not my normal self those 2 days.

7 years ago friday, my beloved grandmother ["momo"] passed. she was a delightful woman with eyes that filled to the brim with love, patience, & kindness. she was my rock all those years when i felt like such an outsider in my own family. her death hit me hard and even though people say time heals all wounds, i don't believe that is entirely true. yes, the pain lessens [or does it?] or becomes numb, but the wound is never completely healed.

momo & lady o 2002

i pass her photos that line my hallway and i remember her so clearly like she was just here and sometimes i smile a bittersweet smile as memories flood my mind and sometimes i tear up. sometimes i have to take the pictures down. sometimes i have to turn them around just for that moment so that when i pass by again, i won't be tempted to stand there in a nostalgia that seems to encompass my entire existence.

amazing tidbits about momo:

she fought breast cancer 3 separate times - and won. she lost both her breasts during the battle and spent the remainder of her life with a mastectomy bra.
she endured a mean head case of a man for years, even throughout her illness.
she made an awesome batch of homemade biscuits of which i still have trouble replicating. sometimes i get it allllmost right and other times i'm totally off course.
she loved romance novels. and fabio. it was hilarious how in love with fabio my dear sweet momo was.
she was a diabetic and gave herself shots daily. when i was younger, she taught me how to give her the shots and remember being horrified at causing her any type of pain or discomfort. even one she was accustomed to.
she was selfless.
she loved me endlessly. even though i am not her biological granddaughter, she had that look in her eye for me that said without a doubt that the word biological never even needed a reference. it didn't matter to her.
she let me bang on her piano [i play by ear, can't read notes for anything!] for as long as i needed to! usually i'd catch her turning her hearing aids wayyyy down yet still holler out every couple of moments "keep up the good work bella!" "sounds great, belle!" or some variation.
she was super supportive. whether your decision was good or not, she supported you. all that mattered to her was that you were happy doing what you were doing and she needed to know nothing more than that.
she read all the time. any books she happened upon that had the name "anna" in it [papa's mistress] she would cross out with a marker. every time she read the name. when she was done reading it, she'd burn the book. but she didn't burn the book that she was reading when she found out about papa & anna. it sat on her shelf with many scratched out pages.

lady n @ momo's gravesite. 2006.

dear momo~

i remember every drive we ever took to your house. it makes me cry that they tore it down. changed the numbers on it, renamed the street. i drove by a few years ago and had to go strictly on memory and even then second guessed myself until i finally recognized the old shed wayyyy in the woods in the back. i drove by time after time, looking for a glimpse of what once was. and my heart sank. there was none.

when you were sick, and i wasn't allowed to see you, i thought i was going to burst with missing you so badly! then when you got home and we were allowed to see you, i was shocked and horrified when i saw that you had a "fake boob" and couldn't figure out what that jagged, pinkish-red line was across the left side of your chest.

i'm sorry i never came up there and saved you from the moochers that set up their living quarters in your guest bedroom. that i never stopped papa from breaking your containers that housed all of the perfect sand dollars we spent countless hours [and years] searching for on the beach, hand & hand. i'm sorry that i didn't call more, write more, or run away and come live with you like i wanted to so many times. i'm sorry that i wasn't there when you passed. i heard that you weren't yourself, that you were in pain so intense that you could hardly breathe without crying out and that the morphine dose was so high that you did nothing but sleep.

when you look down on me, are you proud? do you wish that i had gone a different route in life? did you know that i was there a month before you died? did you hear the stories i read to you? the songs i sang to you? did they help you, soothe you, or annoy you? as i sit here and type this, i am in tears because there was so much time taken away. you didn't get to meet lady n, and you didn't get to see the amazing transformation that lady o went through with her surgery, her activation, and her speech expanding month by month.

whenever anyone asks me who made the biggest difference in my life, who is my real-life hero, i will always say YOU. you were the only one who ever made me feel like i belonged, like i mattered, like i was a part of your family. who knew that the only person in my family that would be the biggest love and validation of my life would be you. who knew that you would survive breast cancer 3 times to succumb to colon cancer 5 years later? who knew that even in death, you, a shy quiet girl from alabama, would make an impact.

i miss you every day.

love,

your belle

special thanks to these awesome commenters!

2009-10-29T16:15:00.000-05:00

since i didn't do another post yesterday, i am going to do the rest of the week's posts in

orange, compliments of my interviewee, yaya~orange~nanny!

thank you all of you exciting new people who keep dropping by and leaving wonderful comments on my blog! whenever you do, my sweet loving blackberry alerts me and i get to read your splendid thoughts throughout the hustle & bustle of my day.

you have no idea how much getting those tiny tid~bits of your thought bubbles excites me and makes me smile! they are the highlight of my day---especially when my world seems so topsy~turvy!!

please if you don't already follow/read/or haven't already visited the following sites, do so now!!! each and every one of these bloggers are ingenious in their own rights, inspiring with their musings, and fabulous just like you & me!

katy @ ross & katy

[exciteddd...she is getting married & STILL did the interview on me!]

alicia @ yaya stuff

[yes, remember, i did the interview on her!]

cassie @ my life with kids

alice @ wonders of alice [in wonderland]

ssm @ short southern mama

heather @ the wifey diaries

kristin @ this is the story of a girlll

blueviolet @ a nut in a nutshell

lilu @ livit luvit

kaylen @ life of kaylen

martha in pa @ the daily grind

vickie @ vickies scrapbooking & tidbits

mighty m @ mighty m family and

ter @ with an angel on my shoulder

karen & gerard @ zemeks blog

paula @ grace reign

and who could forget:

zan @ therapy is effin expensive!

interview with a yaya

2009-10-28T08:05:00.004-05:00

the divine secrets...

of the yaya~orange~nanny!!!!

starring: alicia [aka: "yaya"]

in the spirit of my blog hop interview, i shall be posting all my posts today in her favorite color!

[betcha can't guess what that is!!!]

so i signed up for a blog hop with kristin. which led me to be paired with this really awesome chica, alicia. she's super awesome and i had a great time reading her answers to my many questions [because as i warned her, i am one nosey beeeyotch!] i got alicia's response email in the wee hours this AM and while waiting for my shower to heat up, was cracking up because i felt like i was reading some of my own answers!!! that was insane. i really thought i was an original. apparently, i'm finding more of myself out there in the world than i ever thought there could be. so much for God breaking the mold when he made me. *le sigh* ha!

so here are my questions (pink) and her answers (orange) in random order!

Do you like spontaneity or stability more, or a healthy balance in between? Explain.

I am total type A. I need things planned and to a routine.

Do you prefer giving or receiving?
Giving. Check out my care package site, Tears For My Baby.

What are your most favorite and least favorite words?

I love words that are the same forward and backward, like "poop", hehe. I hate derogatory words toward women.

What turns you on and off (metaphysically, grammatically, ecumenically)? No, seriously!

I love people's eyes. They could be butt ugly but if their eyes are sparkling, then I'm swooning. I can't stand smoking. Total turn off.

On a scale of 1-10 how organized are you?

Definitely a 10. I'm actually diagnosed with severe OCD.

If you had so much money that you wouldn't know what to do with, what would you do with it?

Buy a horse!!! A bigger house. Pay of debt. Give money to animal shelters and child welfare organizations. Go back to college. Do private adoption.

What would your dream house be like? Would it be a contemporary cave, or a Victorian shed?

Definitely the Victorian Shed. As long as it had at least 4 bedrooms and 2 full bathrooms. ;)

If you could change something about yourself, what would it be & why?

My nose. It's too big.

What's your definition of cheating?

Having the intention with another woman/man.

Are you a night owl or a morning person?

Both. I tend to have bouts of insomnia followed by bouts of all-hours-sleeping. I'm currently in an insomnia phase.

Name 5 of the most important things in your life?

1. My husband

2. My pets

3. My friends

4. Blogging

5. My Iphone :)

In how many languages can you say 'Hello'?

Uuuhhh....well, every time I click open flickr it teaches me a new way to say 'hello', so maybe like 10?

Have you been told you can sing well more than once by strangers?

Haha, NO. But that doesn't deter me!

What are your 3 physical features you get complimented on often?

My eyes, my hair and my butt. (okay, only my husband compliments my butt, but he compliments it alot.)

What is your favorite color?

ORANGE!

What do you fear the most?

Being alone. I have huge abandonment issues.

When did you have the time of your life?

Over a year ago my husband and I decided on a whim to do a 24 hour trip to NYC. We woke up at 5am, drove 5 1/2 hours to NYC. Walked all through Times Square and Central Park, went to see a Broadway play (Avenue Q), ate authentic NYC pizza, went to a Mets baseball game, took the subway (obviously), and then drove all the way home and literally pulled in our driveway exactly 24 hours after we had left. It was AWESOME! Here's the link from when I posted about it: NYC in a Day.

Where would you like to go to the most?

I still haven't been to Vegas!

What kind of life do you want to live?

Live a life that Matters.

Are you superstitious?

YES. (ocd, remember?)

Does it matter who earns the most money in a relationship?

Nope. Money is money, it all spends the same.

What are the most important characteristics in someone you are looking for?

Unconditional love.

What's the best piece of advice you've ever received?

"This too shall pass"

What does a good relationship look like?

Unconditional love, respect, loyalty, FuN!

If you had an extra hour in a day, how would you spend it?

I'd like to say solving world peace or something, but I'm sure it would just end up being another hour of blogging. ;)

What's the best compliment you've ever received?

That I am an "Amazing Woman".

In an ideal relationship, what would you spend the majority of your time doing?

Laughing.

What's the biggest personal change you've made?

I stopped caring what others think of me a few years ago. It's very liberating.

If you could live anywhere other than here, where would it be?

I have this desire to move to England for a few years just so that I can then move back to the States and be 'that cool person with the English accent'.

What is the funniest thing that has ever happened to you?

Well it wasn't funny at the time...but now I think it's hilarious. I was in 8th grade, at the 8th grade "formal" (this fancy dance at the end of 8th grade) and everyone was gathered in a circle while people went in and danced solos. Someone pushed me and I stumbled and fell right to the middle of the circle where my dress flew over my head and exposed my undies to the whole 8th grade.

What is your one achievement that makes you the most proud?

My marriage.

What is the one thing that I would not know about at the first meeting?

I love animals!

If there was one thing you could have done differently, what would it be?

Redo my entire childhood....

What are you absolutely best at?

Living each day to the fullest.

How accurate is your first impression of others? What is your first impression of me?

I have an amazing ability to read people like a book.

My first impression of you is that you're "real", and I love real!

What is your biggest pet peeve?

spitting

What 3 things would you take with you to an island?

internet with wifi

unlimited corona

oh fine, my husband!

What is your favorite time of the day?

8pm. I'm a huge prime time tv fan. My day revolves around it.

If you could have dinner with anyone, who would you choose?

My husband. ("awwww")

What is your worst dating experience?

I was in an abusive relationship for 2 1/2 years. It was a vicious cycle.

What do you believe makes you feel you would be a great mother to the children you hope to have and/or plan to adopt?

Patience.

Well that was interesting! Again, I had sooooooooooooooooo much fun doing this, I would LOVE to do it again! I think this was a great way to get to know someone that I wouldn't normally have gone out of my way to get to know! It goes to show that you can't judge a book by it's cover, you have to get in and dig out the insides in order to find what really matters in that particular story!

So wander over to Yaya's page.

Dance a silly dance. Be hopeful & patient. And always remember to SMILE!

You see things; and you say, 'Why?' But I dream things that never were; and I say, "Why not?"

~George Bernard Shaw

new twitter. new e mail.

2009-10-27T12:59:00.002-05:00

for those interested, i have made a new twitter & new e mail designed to be with this blog.

twitter: located @ left side roll or add me by:

twitter name: emotional_diva

email: emotionaldiva@gmail.com

yayyyy =)

It's been a few days, eh?

2009-10-27T10:50:00.000-05:00

random tuesday thoughts. i will link to the unmom asap. but i'm at a computer that doesn't have all that info on it because a child has taken permanent residence at my kick-ass computer that does. this shall be remedied soon. i promise. LOL same rules. 60 seconds.

make the nausea stop. pleeeeassseeeee!

i hurt. the heart aches.

time never heals all wounds. some never go away.

i'm a survivor. what the hell are you?

kids who don't use their listening ears should be arrested. just sayin...

i would love to have an uzi to use on IM bots.

i love calliou. he's so fucking cuuuute.

i feel like a heel for not doing not-me monday. maybe i should do yes-the-hell-i-did-tuesday!?

puff the magic dragon...is in my head. someone make it stop. por favor.

i love peter, paul, & mary.

root beer is my weakness right now.

i am in no mood for halloween. seriously!?

yes, seriously. *le sigh*

watch monster house. it rocks. my ladies love the "la la la la girl" at the beginning.

i made coffee this am. i didn't even drink it. wtf?

i never make coffee. why?

my breasts have a mind of their own today. they just won't stay put! i just want to say screw the bra! but that would do nothing for my figure. they go from the penthouse to the lobby. quick.

is there a support group for anxiety about what to cook for dinner? if so, please leave information below. i will love you forever.

get the fuck over it already. it happened like, aaaaages ago.

chocolate covered insects does not make insects edible. it makes chocolate inedible.

please note the above, foreign countries. and adjust accordingly.

you mean so much to me. i don't want you hurting anymore! did i say i wanted an uzi for bots? maybe i should reconsider my reasons...hahaha

hallmark makes me puke.

this chick makes me laugh!

random tuesday helps with the randomness throughout the week.

what are your random thoughts?

tmi thursday

2009-10-22T08:00:00.000-05:00

***no children should view the following due to the graphic nature of this post.***

tmi thursday people.

i found this through the exhotgirl but another girl started it. so thanks to them i will be posting something so horrendous today, so spine-tingling, that you will not be able to finish reading this post. and to make it extra tmi, i am including pics.

yes people, i am that tmi chick that doesn't care if her biggest secret is looked upon as weird or insane. i am that girl that has the ability to make you click out of this post so fast with her oddness that you may never come back. and if you look at me differently after this, i will totally understand.

but that is what tmi thursday is about, no?

*le sigh*

i have the ability to talk to stuffed animals. yes. you read right. that was not a ufo flying overhead that interrupted your computer monitor as your eyes were scanning this post for the dirty little secret. i.talk.to.stuffed.animals.

we have coffee in the morning. long meaningful conversations. trust me. it's totally.healthy. to share your innermost thoughts with someone who's not going to try to break it down and tell you stuff you're not ready to hear.

it's like an addiction. a love affair, if you may.

they don't talk back. they aren't greedy. they don't demand every second of my time. they aren't annoying [unless they quack or moo or ribbit!--but that's normally the puppet ones and you have to stick your hand up their whoops! in order for that to happen!]

but there is one stuffed friend i have. we go wayyyyyy back:

elmo & myself. circa 97. i was 16 and infatuated. what can i say? his giggles are contagious.

sometimes though, he can be sooooo annoying. he talks wayyyy too much. my old 28 year old ears are too sensitive for his high pitched voice.

this morning, he was just yakking away and i was trying really hard to not cry at the nail-screeching sound of his words. he particularly likes the "hokey pokey" and to try to show me what "it's" all about. but i don't swing that way so he gives me the stank eye!

excuuuuuuuuuuse moi!

so i gave it to him right back!

he tried to come back at me with some elm-attitude. but i sure showed him!

he just went from tickle me elmo to kick my ass elmo is 5 seconds flat.

teach him* to give me the stank eye again!!!

*no elmos were harmed in the making of this tmi post. he was removed from the shape sorter and placed carefully back into his usually spot until we can reach some kind of agreement in the morning over some irish cream roast. until then, his ass remains on the shelf so high that if he tried to come down, he'd rip a hole in his fur or tear off a limb. or rip out an eye...or some shit like that...

emergent post! must view!

2009-10-21T16:02:00.000-05:00

i am too.frickin.excited!

seriously!!!!!!!!

www.traylorpapers.com rocks my socks off!

seriously people, if you don't order from them, you are just plain sol and missing out on something incredibly awesome! [is it lame that i enjoyed seeing something in the mail with MY NAME on it? hmmm..] these note cards are the cutest things ever and i just got my free ones in the mail from when i went to kelsey's site and did her offer! ~~i don't know if they are still offering the deal~~, but i do believe that i posted something about it on monday here. [the offer is good thru next wednesday, 10/28/09]

i was too excited to share with you all to wait until i had better camera settings on my camera so this is what you get: [but still uber cuuuuute!]

thank you so so so so soooooooooo very much from the bottom of my excited and moved heart, lisa! (she's the owner/president of this marvelous site!)

and the first one...the breast cancer awareness one...that one made me cry!!! how DID you know!?

much love,

blog partayyyyy =)

2009-10-21T12:14:00.003-05:00

hello all! i know! 2 posts in 1 day!

but i'm sharing something that i'm super excited about!

it's a blog partayy and the host is Kristin! @ thisisthestoryofagrrrrrl.

she has this great idea of a blog party. go ahead. shoot over there and find out details.

i'll give you some right here too.

when you go to that link, there will be some rules. after you get all that done, the gist of the blog party is for kristin to pair up everyone who signed up and have them interview/showcase their partner on their blog. it's a perfect way to meet new people, get new traffic, and new followers onto your site or just to get to know the people who are already in your blogroll.

so join it! you never know who you're going to meet!!!
the more the merrier!!!!

wishful & way back wednesday!

2009-10-21T11:19:00.004-05:00

you can join wishful wednesday too! just go to kelsey's site and link right up! she is super blonde! and super awesome! and has super awesome fashion sense! [hellloooo, lululemons!]

'I wish"...I was going on vacation tomorrow, and I would want to go to:

Australia

Bali

Italy/Sicily

australia:

the land there is so pretty. some family is there. i am in love with the accent. ocean is so pretty. a guy from high school lives there and says he loves it...except telecommunications sucks! despite that minor [gulp] difficulty, i wouldn't mind moving there myself. ahhhh...

bali:

i wasn't aware bali was such a tourist attraction until i was talking to a very good friend of mine from high school. she lives in indonesia and i was looking for flights to go visit her last year when i came upon a lovely destination called bali. beautiful!! so i spoke to her about it and she says that it is wonderful and marvelous and romantic and everything that anyone could want in a warm, beautiful, couples retreat. so, she and i decided we'd go together with our men in 2010 or 2011. I have to definitely wait until the girls are old enough to be trusted to behave with other people and get sir g used to the fact that they don't have to go EVERYWHERE with us.

italy/sicily:

italy because duh...it's italy. hellloooo! sicily because ever since i found out exactly what my ethnic background is, what my heritage was, i have wanted to see where my biological father and ancestors came from. i am completely obsessed with anything italian/sicilian and cannot wait until i can get there. =)

way back wednesday

november 2006. jacksonville beach, florida

thanksgiving vacation.

when lady o had 1 implant & lady n was sweet as pie.

before i forget, i just wanted you all to know that i am waging a war with the fox tv network. i set up dvr to record all new episodes of lie to me on monday nights. little did i know that these fox network freaks decided to run over something which made house run over, which made my dvr only record the first 25 minutes of one of the all time best shows on tv right now.

booooooooooo!

to make it worse, i didn't realize this until the dvr shut off...right at a really kick ass part!!!! it was a GREAT episode and i can't even finish it!!!!

to make it even more worst, lie to me isn't available in full webisodes as of yet.

this week: parent teacher conferences *le sigh*, agbell meeting @ TU, & all the usual dvr'd shows. pumpkin patch on saturday hopefully!

yayyyyyyy for humpdays!!!!

oh and ps:
see that new moon ticker? ok. so it premieres the day before my birthday. and so i'm also secretly using it as the ticker for my birthday. so...umm..according to that ticker...i shall be [gulp] 29 [exhale shakily] in 30 freaking days. *shudder*

random tuesday thoughts

2009-10-20T17:46:00.001-05:00

i found this on the un mom's page!!! and she is superfantabulastic! so go check her out. she does this weekly post called random tuesday thoughts.

i liked it. so i did it. but i'm going to limit myself to a time frame because i can get pretty deep into randomness. so i'm going to give myself 60 seconds to jot down the top random thoughts going through my head at this moment. i'm setting a timer and whether i stop at 60 seconds or not...well you'll never know so...

let the wild rumpus randomness start:

i am totally not.normal. i have come to accept this.

i'm super happy this has finally been "released". [2 weeks til the album. totally psyched!!!]

men, in general, are a conundrum.

where the hell is a dart when you find the perfect face to use for a board?

there is something just downright sick & creepy about yo gabba gabba. [this has nothing to do with the freak jack black who guest starred.] seriously people. watch.

the only thing creepier than yo gabba gabba is that i know about it.

i fucking love this chick. her initals are keb...lol

now that everyone is back to school...no time to get pretty in the mornings. =(

i know what i'm getting for my birthday. and it totally.rocks.

it's pink.

it's compact.

it rocks. guess?

i heart wife swap but have seen every episode.

i want to get rid of fb/myspace/linkedin/etc. any thoughts?

back.pain.

i totally love my blackberry!!!!!

saltwater taffy isn't really any different than taffy.

a little tequila makes anything fun...

balloon boy had me in tears. fuckers!

nerdalicious. apparently everyone i know thinks this is moi. niiiiiiice.

need the caramel apple spice. =(

free relationship advice sites make me laugh/gag. i'm unsure which one it does more.

on a stick!

was in bed by 9:30 last night. was unable to function this am as result of getting adequate sleep. what the fuck?

these up and down freezing to hottt days are for the birds. pick a temp and stick to it. geez. my nose can't take all this shit!

last but not least: if you don't laugh at this guy. something is fucking wrong with you.

not me monday...

2009-10-19T20:13:00.002-05:00

not me monday is a fun first of the week idea started by mckmama over @ http://www.mycharmingkids.net/. she devised a way for us to be able to talk about some of the things that we wouldn't normally talk about or admit to. she is awesome and i enjoy her blog immensely. so shoot on over there, link up, and let us know what you ~~did~~ didn't do over your weekend.

over the last week i most certainly did not:

rip my hair out by the root because my children were home from school for 3 days straight. meaning that they were home for 5.frickin.days. am i still alive? this is still to be determined.
pick a fight with sir g. not on 1 occasion. not on 2 occasions. and definitely not on 3 separate occasions did i pick a fight with him. it was not because it was my time of the month. it was not because i wasn't feeling well, and it certainly had nothing to do with the fact that i thought he was being a fart. nope. not me. i would never do something so incredulous as to pick a fight!
ignore the never ending mess that is my kitchen. everything is done in this kitchen. work. play. creativity. eating. drinking. crafts. dishes. you name it, my kitchen is used for it. so ignoring my kitchen would entail actually having the garage door opener in my jacket pocket [which i totally didn't do, btw] and using the front door to go to the car, etc.
kick myself in the ass for ignoring my kitchen because every woman on the planet knows that what you put off for tomorrow becomes a higher stack in tomorrow's things to get done today list. and any woman who lives with a man knows that no matter how long you wait for him to clean up said kitchen/mess, he will not do it. *le sigh*
take my non-deserving children to see "cloudy with a chance of meatballs" when i really wanted to see "where the wild things are." being outnumbered is no bueno. i must remember this the next time of think of sir g. i mean sheesh, he's got 3 chicas running around the house not being girls, over-emotional, and dramatic!
stay up wayyyy later than intended to immerse myself in DVR.
eat 2--yes i said 2 bowls of cookies & cream ice cream!
sneak to old navy and buy 75 dollars worth of clothing. i did not get a cute scarf, to DIE for boots, or a few shirts that say heyyyyyyyy! nope not me. because i'm a careful spender who keeps track of ever.single.dime.
realize that these not me's today are rather boring and i didn't do anything of any merit this past week other than:

not buy lady n a camera so she can stop stealing mine [worked like a charm!]

wow. i'm full of joy today. LOL it's late. it's been a LONG day. i'm ready for bed. i'll post more tomorrow when random thought tuesday whisks my mind to far away places where i can slide down a rainbow of ribbons into a pot of chocolate or some shit like that.

ps- so i tried all y'alls fav starbuck drinks this week:

pumpkin spice latte: it was OK. not great. not blah. just...eh.
chi tea latte: yummay. it was good. will probably get it again just for chi tea sake.
caramel apple spice: HONEYYY...this is my drink. oh em gee. i got a small and went straight back in and asked for a mucho grande. then i got home, got the recipe, and will spend my days enjoying a caramel apple spice a la diva because mine is sooooo saaaaweeeetly magnifique!!
who KNEW something that good could be available in drinkable form??? not me!

tp, ssm, pif & other offers! =)

2009-10-19T00:21:00.001-05:00

Traylor Papers is offering free stationary and here's the deal:

"Send us an email to VIP@traylorpapers.com with your name and address and we'll send you a free customized card with your name. Tell us your favorite colors and/or style (i.e., whimsical, classic, girly ..., etc) and we will try to make you a match :) BONUS: post this offer on your blog or wall, send us a link, and we'll send you a few extra! Good thru 10/28/09!"

Ohhh, YES PLEASE!

I love these Thank You Notes!!!

and these Initial Notes!!!!

Check out her site!

also!!!!!

short southern mama is doing a birthday giveaway for her own birthday and I just totally LOVE LOVEEEEEE the gifts that will be given out! go to her site [i linked above] and check her out. =) she is fabulous and funny!!! not to mention she is short.southern.and her birthday is the same month as mine!!! =) yay!!!!!

and then my favorite thing everrrr:

pay it forward!!!

trish over @ me & my boys... is doing a pay it forward giveaway! yayyyy i love things that bless people or at least make them feel special!!! =) so i'm posting about it here because it's part of the rules and because well...she'll be checking!

please check out all these great offers! you won't be disappointed! =)

shopaholic @ 5.

2009-10-16T06:45:00.005-05:00

the entire fam went to target last night. we went to go get the ladies a new webkinz, sir g some turtlenecks, and look for matching bedding for my ladies' room. but hellooooooo people, 'tis halloween time. and what does every target have that is like a magnet to every freak-child in the neighborhood?

yes. halloween town. masks, paints, costumes, graveyards, and talking, push-button activated butlers that have scared countless children shitless whilst their parents shop...or come up behind them to scare the bejesus out of them while sticking their hand near the cackling witch.

i love how no matter what mask lady n has on, she is always "growling" with her claws raised. from bert...to the joker....to the creepy bug eyed guy.....rarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

then i took lady o to go look through some stuff to find a camera for the girls to share so that ~~they~~ lady n will stop stealing mind. when i came back to sir g & lady n i found this:

umm hello. my birthday is next, wild child. then it's yours. then it's christmas time! gee willakers!!!

as soon as i turned the corner, i caught her doing this!:

as if we needed anymore encouragement! i'm sure my taking pictures didn't help! so i had her put everything back by process of elimination: moon sand or dora princess? dora princess or doodle pad? doodle pad or bathtub shave kit? etc...until we reached bathtub shave kit [she chose that over like 6 of the remaining toys in the cart.] she was ok and then it was shave kit or camera? sad face time. lots of whining and crying at this point.

i finally got that whole issue handled and we were looking at bedding for their bedroom. alas, she tried again...and she has no clue i got this picture...and to just show how much she wanted the pillow down there i'll have you know, we never purchased it...and she never even noticed it was missing!

things kids say

2009-10-15T05:47:00.000-05:00

you can link up to "things kids say" @ mud pies for mommy. her kids are soooo funny so if you are a mommy blogger or you have children in your life or if you just overhear a kiddo say something tooo toooo funny then go ahead and shoot over to jennifer's site and mclinky up!

let's start with lady o (7 yrs):

her take on why she shouldn't be left out of getting drinks:

"mom, you should already know not to leave your drinks out. cuz me and lady n, we gonna drink 'em!"

her attempt to get sister in trouble without her own consequences:

"mommmyyyy!!!!! lady n's getting into your make up!!!!" [as she's running to her room with make up covering her face.]

"lady o, if lady n's getting into my make up then why is it on your face?"

[sad face trying to hide into the covers] "i don't know. the make up fairy?"

"lady o, why didn't you tell me lady n was into mommy's make up? if you did, she'd be the only one getting in trouble."

"i did tell you! i was just waitin' 'til she put it on my face!" [pouting]

"you should have told me before she put it on your face."

"well i was plannin' on bein' in my room and then yellin' it to you!" she was so mad! she was just intending on not getting caught! LOL

bragging on her math skills: [shall i note how many times on which words she stomped her foot? yes, i shall.]

"nooooooooo! nine plus nine is not eighteen! it's not not not not eighteen! i knowwww because i'm in 2nd grade mom! see this..." [holds up 2 fingers] "2nd.grade!"

"lady o, listen to me...add it again."

"i don't want to add it again! i don't need to add it again because i know that nine plus nine equals....ohhhhhh. sorry mommy. you're totally right. it's eighteen." defeated sigh, smile, nod.

huh? rofl

lady n's hilariousness is beyond me. i just don't know where she gets it: (5 years)

her thoughts on farming:

"mom, y'know how you always say we're runnin' 'round here like chickens with the hair cut off?"

"lady n, it's chickens with their head cut off."

[her eyes widened.] "head cut off?" [she grabs her throat in a "choke" with both hands.]

"mmm hmmm."

[eyes still wide, she whispers...] "does blood shoot out their necks when they're running around all headless?"

"i would imagine so."

"wow."

[5 minutes later]

"mom?"

"yes?"

"can we go buy a chicken?"

[silence.]

"...and scissors?"

her thoughts on modelling:

"mommy! mommy! no! don't take it away! i was fashioning my face!"

"lady n, you aren't allowed to get into mommy's make up."

"but mommy, you don't everr buy me any of my own! it's not fair! i want my own make up! you never share your make up! how do you tell me to share and then you won't share!? that's not fair! how am i apposed to be on that tyra girl's show if i don't have my own make up!?!"

"you can't be on there until you're older lady n. by that time, you'll have your own make up."

[mumbling angrily] "guess you have to be old to do anything 'round here! i can smise! i just need make up!" [stomps off]

her ability to introduce herself:

[sunday school teacher substitute] "hi there! what's your name?"

[widening her eyes] "my name is ach-med!" [pause for effect. the other children start to giggle. lady n turns around, widens her eyes even more if that is possible] "silence! i keeeeeel you!"

her ability to give her father a heart attack:

[poking sir g on his shoulder.] "daddy? daddy? daddy? daddy!" [did i mention this is 5 am and we're asleep?]

[sir g sits up frantically.] "what!? what?!"

"daddy i have a new favorite song!!"

[sir g still groggy.] "what?!"

lady n snaps her fingers impatiently. "daddy. pay 'ttention! i have a new favorite song!"

[laying back down.] "what is it lady n?"

"weeeeeeell, you have to guess."

[impatiently.] "i'm sleeping. just tell me."

"it's nooooooot seek amy."

"k."

"it's nooooooooot that helen keller hip talkin' song with the bad f word in it that you and mommy never let me listen to."

"great. what's the song?"

[deep breath.] "can i sing it for you??" [giggling]

"fine."

[deep breath, giggles.] "let's have some fun this beat is sick, i wanna take a ride on your disco stick!!!"

[sir g sits up in bed rather quickly.] "get out of here! and don't let me hear you sing that song again!"

"then keep your bad ear up!! geez!!!!" [sir g is deaf in one ear.]

sister blister

2009-10-14T16:01:00.000-05:00

there is only 1 sibling that i talk to out of 3 siblings. but we didn't always talk. we didn't always know each other. in fact, i didn't even know her favorite color was "rust" until last year. or that her favorite ice cream was "she doesn't like ice cream."

she too is estranged from our family. she was the first to become estranged. and she has taught me alot about myself this past summer. we'll call her rae. and she is child #2. (i'm 3, the brother is 4, and an eldest sister was the first born.)

so rae called today. she had some funny story to tell me about a conversation she had with our grandmother that ended in ramifications for me. thanks sis. actually, it's not bad enough for me to have too bad of ramifications. but still. [speaking of, today is grandmother's birthday. need to call her. like...now.]

i actually like the relationship that rae and i have now. it's nice. it's jovial. it's closer than it was. it's...real. it has meaning. there was a time when she and i did not speak. a loooooooong time. she moved out of the house when i was not yet 7 years old. she was 14. i had testified a year or two earlier in court via video tape against her allegations that my father [her stepfather] had molested her, when in fact, he did not. [there's a lot surrounding that. just leave it at that for now.]

the morning she left, she woke me up for school, just like any other morning. she gave me her crimping iron that i had been eyeing in awe for the last 3 weeks, told me that she loved me, and then she was gone. i did not hear from her in a very long time, and our mother kept telling me that she [rae] hated me and was jealous of me and never wanted me to be born because she wanted to be the baby girl of the family. i believed everything my mother told me. why shouldn't i have? she is my mom. she's supposed to tell the truth, right?

my best friend at the time became my worst enemy because rae moved in with her family. my best friend would come to class at school and tell me how much fun she was having with her sister. i remember fighting back tears, longing for what she was describing [because we never did neat stuff with each other at my house] and thinking to myself that's MY sister!!! i wanted to scream it from the mountaintops. my "friend" seemed to find this control quite enthralling and for the next several years, would not miss the chance to tell me of what cool neat things she and her sister were doing.

when i was a teenager, she came to visit once, and we had "awkward" fun. i guess that's the way to describe it. we went and visited sis #1 (shae) and spent a few hours doing nothing, really. then she took me home. my parents would 20 question me to the point of exhaustion, thinking that rae had divulged some petty secret. apparently, there was a petty secret, but rae hadn't divulged that. my parents had just psyched themselves into thinking rae had told me. then one night when my mom was pissed at me she screamed the dirty little secret in anger: "go ahead and tell him! he's not your real father anyway!"

can we say huh?

aaanyways, when i was a senior in high school, out of the blue, rae sent me money for me to get invitations and a mug that i wanted and my class ring. my mom then told me [what i know now are lies] that rae did it out of pity and was angry that i didn't send a thank you note in the amount of time that was appropriate. so i busted my butt at my 2 jobs that i had on weekends and after school and paid her back every cent. i didn't want her pity and i certainly thought that properness ran both ways and a belated thank you because i was a full time student and full time employed at the time should have been understood.

i never had a conversation with my sister until i was in my early twenties. even then it was awkward. but it had to be done. that's another story for another post though.

now that i'm older, i do think sometimes about how much time i missed out on with my sister. 15 years is a long time no matter what kind of age gap there is to not know your sister. since i contacted her, and visited her a few times, and now she has come and visited me, it has been getting easier and easier to build that relationship. she has stayed in my home. that surprised me so much because she has never been to the midwest. and she came here. to see me. like i'm someone worth spending time on.

talking to her, being with her, laughing with her doesn't seem awkward anymore. we now call each other all the time. i call her and there's no: "hello this is your sister..." and a realization on the other end of oh yeah, i do have a sister! we know who it is now, no explaination necessary. and now, we don't even have to have a reason to call like we did before. it can be something simple like her buying a trash can, something important like her non-existent relationship with her biological father & our mother. or something hilariously funny or my neice calling me to say hi auntie! i am so glad i didn't miss out on this wonderful neice. and super glad i'm no longer missing out on this wonderful sister

i have a sister who wants to CALL ME to tell me about stupid stuff like the price of a trash can! i have a sister who wants to CALL ME to tell me about the effect a conversation with grandma will have on me!!

people.........I.HAVE.A.SISTER!!!

and it feels really really good.

random tuesday thoughts

2009-10-13T12:13:00.002-05:00

i found this on some other ladies page. she is the un mom! and she is superfantabulastic! so go check her out. she does this weekly post called random tuesday thoughts.

i liked it. so i did it. but i'm going to limit myself to a time frame because i can get pretty deep into randomness. so i'm going to give myself 60 seconds to jot down the top random thoughts going through my head at this moment. i'm setting a timer and whether i stop at 60 seconds or not...well you'll never know so...

let the wild rumpus randomness start:

chocolate sounds mighty fucking good right now.

one of my clients walked in today with water all over the back of her pants. i hope it was water.

i adore my new scarf. but going to old navy is going to be very bad for my health.

i got up and got that chocolate.

i'm now eating it.

yummm.

i'm currently googling "12 step programs for google addicts." i'll post what i find.

i need a good week-long nap.

i painted my ladies' fingernails teal today. i just got an e mail from her teacher saying that her fingernails were distracting her. teal fingernail polish. holy wind sweeping down the plains what was i thinking?

i need to clean up my workstation.

i paid 2 dollars for a "free" dress day. what the fuck?

i look haute in my brown turtleneck. just a warning.

i am going to starbucks after work to try every flavor that i have seen you people blog about in the last week. i have had starbucks a total of big fat 1 times in my entire life and it was a delish mint chocolate chip thingy with a double shot of whatever. i don't even remember the week before or after. i simply remember minty goodness.

maybe i should just order a double shot of whatever?

people think i'm stronger than i am. just let me fucking cry, ok?

i hate dora. [enough said]

i just popped a piece of white chocolate in my mouth and was not prepared for white chocolate. it's like when you take a big fat drink of orange juice and you end up with milk. immediate spit out.

my computer monitor is now covered in white chocolate.

i have a dance move. it's called rubber legs. yes, i have danced it in public. yes, it made people laugh and clap...not because it's a kickasstastic dance move, but because it was funny & entertaining.

does anyone really know what a "ham steak" is? because i don't. and i think i prefer my steak in a form that doesn't dispute that it came from a cow, made it to the steak house grill and needs no sauce in order for me to gobble that shit down.

not me monday...

2009-10-12T04:29:00.001-05:00

*le sigh* i couldn't figure out the links. so you get to get the diva version of promoting mckmama without her copy and paste introductory feature. this not me monday idea was fashioned by the baby loving mckmama over at mckmama's. whew. that wasn't too painful was it? apparently she has these super-cuuuuuuuute buttons you can copy and paste, only every time i try i get a pop up message saying i'm not special enough for the copy and paste feature to work in giving me the button code. sweeeet.

this week i most certainly did not:

rewash a load of clothes twice because i completely forgot about them twice and by the time i remembered they needed to go into the dryer they were already mostly dry. twice. nope. because i'm the supermom who ~~often forgets~~ doesn't forget to move the clothes to the dryer!
use hamburger buns for my ladies' lunches for school because i ran out of bread and was not going to run to the store @ 5 am. i ~~was~~ wasn't packing halloween colored oreos into their lunch boxes to make up for the lack of 9 grain bread either. because i would never want my ladies to be so excited about orange cream colored oreos that they wouldn't even notice their sandwiches were made with hamburger buns! nope. definitely not something i would do.
shove baking sheets into the oven when my doorbell rang this weekend. because i most certainly do not have new neighbors and most certainly would never hide dirty dishes in the oven because it's a convenient way to do a "quick clean" when someone drops by unexpectedly!
fall asleep in the car on the way to the fair and may or may not have drooled. if i had, what in the world was that? i mean we left at ten am. we went to eat. and then we - aha! it was because we ate wasn't it? nevermind. hypothetical mystery solved.
haggle for an ou phone case when i could have easily gotten one @ any number of locations right around town. but because it was le faire, that did not make some kind of difference in my mind.
approach random people at the store yesterday and ask their opinions on an ensemble the ~~catalogue~~ i put together before purchasing. because i don't do the whole stranger thing. people intimidate me. and i would never-ever-ever-approach someone i don't know. ~~especially when i already know i look absolutely fabulous!~~ =)
make the mistake of short cutting through bathtime. i did not stick both my ladies in the shower together and this did not resort in a puddle of 1 & a half inch water on the tile. this did not soak the towels that they did not leave haphazardly hanging off the rack therein requiring either a.) new towels or b.) drying the towels. i did not make up option c.) air drying.
stay up until 3:30 am ~~watching desperate housweives [omg the end made me bawl!!!] and the season finale of drop dead diva~~ ~~[omg deb/jane! please just tell grayson! puhhhhleaseeeeee!!!?!]~~ taking care of the biggest sick baby in my abode: sir g.
wait until 3 am to clean up my kitchen and change the load in the dryer. hahahahahaha!
actually enjoy sleeping in the back bedroom in the peace & quiet.

but the child born on the sabbath day

2009-10-11T12:10:00.000-05:00

it doesn't really matter when they are this cute, right???

from 25 to 10 in one fell swoop.

2009-10-10T23:42:00.003-05:00

today I went to the fair. and i found this:

and i was really really excited! because even if the sooners aren't playing up to par, i'm totally in love with the red & white. i got really really excited! and i'll tell you why:

so i was walking into the tent and saw the cell phone case booth to my right. sir g said i could look as long as i kept one of the ladies so i said boooyeah! and grabbed the easy one, lady o. i went searching for something hot pink and silver. or hot pink and black. or just plain hot pink. but i come across a black jack II ou sooners case and totally completely LOOOOOVEDDDD itttttt! yes people. i loved it.

so i search and search and search. and i can't find it. i have like 20 cases in my left hand, 5 in my right, and lady o has like 10 in her arms. no sooner case for my blackberry! what! is this possible!? my bb is awesometastic. 8900 people. titanium. smart. phone. do not deny the bb owner her case. seriously.

so i went up to the booth owner and asked him if there was one for my dear bb. he saw all the cases in my hands [and lady o's] and looked at me all weird. i promised we would put them all back, that i'd logged each and every one in my brain so i knew which hanger they went on. he nodded with a smile and waved toward the space i was already looking through. "yeah sure. dey're ova d'ere."

huh? pardon? excusez moi? are you kidding me? half the wall is emptied into mine and my child's hands and he wants to wave me off? um. no. not to be deterred, i smiled, then pouted and stood closer to him...

this transpired:

me: no, not over there. over there is here [i cut my eyes to my filled arms.]

him: *sigh* you wan' soooners, righ?

me: yes. ou. you have them for every other phone. you are in the midwest. blackberrys are the most kickasstastic phone in the universe. 8900's in particular. are you saying there are no ou phone cases for my awesome phone??

him: i...i don' know to halp you.

me: if you don't help me i'll stamp my foot. and then i'll go through every other case hanger on this entire booth. [its true. i mean, i did have like 1/4th of the wall already. seriously.]

him: *bigger sigh* fine. i halp you.

me: yay!!!! [and while he looks, i put up the other cases.]

so he finds one. finally. like 15 minutes later. hey, i had nothing better to do. and by this time, i'd already guilted him into helping me for this long so how could i just say aww fuck it, it's just a cell phone case?

me: yay!!! great! how much? [maybe i should have asked him before hand?]

him: [oh and did i mention that he was an indian. like not a buffalo hunting, braided hair, roman-nosed indian. more like the dot in the middle of the forehead, 7-eleven owning, apu from the simpsons india-n.] yesh, yesh it ees twinteeefiiife!

me: holy wind sweeping down the plains!!

him: twinteeefife. final offa. [final? where was the haggling?]

me: dude. are you serious? 25 bucks? you're charging me for the pout aren't you? the help? the threat? just to let you know, i don't tip anyone who doesn't at least refill my glass of vino. just sayin...

him: what you tink eets worth?

me: 15.

him: [his turn to act shocked] no no no no no! dat's unbreakable plastic!

me: ummm the mall has these on sale right now for 12.99. and don't tell me it's unbreakable. i've seen that cheap packaging! it's a good spray paint job with a couple of stickers from the sticker machine outside of Ryan's!

[he laughs. hysterically. of course he did. because it was the truth. they'd probably peel off in a week!]

him: you know i have dat blackberry. it is my favorite phone! i went tru 2 otha blackberry before i love dis one so mush!

me: i think you are a pretty awesome guy for having such a kick ass phone! but i don't pay over 15 bucks for a phone case that's just gonna break in a week. all i need is a way for my phone to look mega cute and slide easily into my jeans pocket. cause i started gaining some weight again, and it ain't slidin in so easily anymore. and i'm gonna be here for awhile since my ladies are already whining that they wanna ride rides. so what else you got?

him: you hard core OU fan?

me: i love OU as much as the atlanta braves!

him: wow. even dooring de rotten years? [hello? does he listen to collin raye?]

me: since stoop's brother left, OU is IN their rotten years!

he laughs hysterically again and says: i give to you for 15, cause you make me laugh and you have de besss phone eva!

me: [pushing my luck] how about 10 and i don't go to the booth at the other end of the tent-grounds????

him: [laughing hysterically yet again] you got ta deal!

me: habib you are freaking awesome!

he is still laughing as i hand him a ten and he thanks me for the most fun the entire 11 days of the fair.

you are soooooooo welcome cell phone accessory sales man!!!!!

yeah don't ask me why i made such a big deal. i think it was just the fun factor of it all. yesh yesh. it musht be!

saturday's child

2009-10-10T09:38:00.002-05:00

works hard for a living.

but c'mon, if my job required plasticware, sand, and a multitude of laughs, i think i'd enjoy it a lot more!!!!!

friday's child

2009-10-09T21:28:00.003-05:00

is loving & giving.

randomness & the dear so & so letters.

2009-10-09T16:44:00.003-05:00

i am uber excited its friday! that means the next 2 days will be filled with NOTHING IN PARTICULAR and i don't have to be anywhere i don't want to freaking be! i am enjoying waking up ON TIME the last few days and have been ~~pestering~~ bbm'ing lovely wake-up messages to kelli as early as 6 am [but NOT before! jeezum crowe, she might lop my head off for that!]

i signed up for this weight loss thing. i'm not going to go into detail as i completely humiliated myself more than once on my old blog by losing tons of weight and gaining right back. blah. i hate that i even admitted that! but check out the button on my side links or go to bloggerhood of the traveling not so fat pants. it's pretty neat. i'm really excited to be a part of this and hopefully i'll do better if i'm held accountable to someone other than myself.

in other news, i have a date tonight with my rlbff mandaroonie and i'm muy excited! we haven't hung out in for-everrr and i'm hoping that this will help us to get over this hump of being too dang busy to get together and do anything. she just had a baby not too long ago and is being initiated into mommyhood the proper way: sleepless nights, grueling father's, the sickies, etc.! poor her!

update: and initiated even more in lack of finding a babysitter! ugh!

just because i love my friday night fright session with my ladies, i'm dvr'ing ghost whisperer so that we can still veg out and watch it later on. =)

alllllllllllrightyyyyy then!

dear so & so letters.

brought to you by: kat @ 3bedroombungalow.

i read cassies, linked to kat, and thought it was neat so decided to give it a try. so here goes:

dear blabbermouthed rule breaker,

look, i KNOW you run your mouth behind my back. i KNOW you lie straight to my face. i KNOW your game. and it will not work. rules are rules. policy is policy. if you don't like the regulations, stipulations, provisos, etc, then FIND YOURSELF ANOTHER SERVICE. i don't need clients like you taking up my time, my day, or creating extra stress in my workplace because you can't follow simple.policy.

oh yeah, and your facebook account? yeah. that was me. i hacked into it. i changed everything around to make it sound like your idea of a great first date is a one-way ticket straight to tijuana! no luggage required! maybe you should have thought about what it is that i could be capable of doing before you decided to contact someone you thought was your friend about something that you didn't know anything about and then lie to my face about it. how do i know it was a lie?? your facebook e mails, lame brain. have you ever heard of "delete after sending?" didn't think so.

yours truly,

pissed off & quiet about it.

__________

dear bi-polar-ex-husband,

eventually you will get yours. but i survived you. you may be able to get away with your shit ways for now, but eventually, someone more crazy, more bi-polar than you is going to happen along your path. and then you will either finally get yours, or y'all will kill each other. i'm fine with either really.

your existence on this earth, no matter how minute, is disgusting to me. knowing you will be once again be breathing the same city air that i breathe, taking in the same sights that i see, makes this town reek of sulphur in my nostrils and to seriously consider moving.

i have eyes. and i see all. and you don't even know it. i'll be one step ahead of you for the rest of your life. you'll never know where i've been or where i'm going, but i'll always know where you were and will be. because you taught me so much about life, love, and trust. you taught me to assume that every hand raised is against me. any

love offered was a joke, and trust...we won't even go there. because you taught me so much about trust that i don't even remember the days i had my rose colored glasses. and those days were my favorite. when everyone was good, kind, honest, and had no ulterior motives.

but i do have to say, in closing, thank you. i hid behind those rose colored glasses because that was my wall of protection from what i endured growing up. you helped me to remove that insane notion that life was a box of chocolates instead of like a box of chocolates. thank you for opening my eyes and being able to grow and mature and put on a little bit more armor so that when the next wife-beating asshole decides to try and make me his next punching bag i'd be smart enough to S.I.N.G. first and get the fuck outta there. so take care slime ball, because i know when your next court date is, and i'll be skulking somewhere in the shadows, making sure that this time when you're ass is thrown back in jail, your little 21-year-old girlfriend won't be able to foot your bail again.

p.s. and if you ever touch my kid again, i'll hunt you down, and show you exactly what it is that should be done to people who inflict pain on children.

__________

dear rain,

i really do love you. i love how you smell, the way you sound, the way you look. tap-tap-tapping on my roof, drop-drop-dropping on the concrete. the sounds reverberate inside my brain until i drift blissfully to a little cat-nap where i can be rid of all worry, fear, and anger. front porch swings were made for these days cuddled up with a blanket, a book, an iPod, or a cup of hot tea/cocoa.

you know what i love MOST about you rain? i love that when you rain a lot, like you have been lately, the creek swells up to touch my fenceline. and speaking of fences, do you think, rain, that you could take a tiny trip? a trip away from the midwest for just a bit? although i adore the fact that you cleverly hide my tears, i really really really would love it if my neighbor would put the fence back up on the side of the house [he stupidly thought he could take it down, replace the posts, and put a new fence back in all on 1 sunday afternoon about 3 weeks ago. i really want you to do this for me because he can't fix the fence unless the ground is dry. and i really need the fence fixed. because my ladies are stuck inside the house. and they're starting to get on my nerves.

much thanks,

rain-loving-mama.

i entered a give-away! =)

2009-10-09T11:10:00.001-05:00

i don't normally do give-aways [whistling whilst walking...hehehe] and how in the world could i pass up a giveaway being offered by none other than Kelsey @ The Seattle Smith's! [go there. like now. she's really awesome.]

kelsey's giveaway is for beautiful handblown art. amazing! i am still looking at it, even though i've already entered and i think i know what my friends will be receiving for christmas this year! i am all about the art!

anyway, head over to her site and get the deets!
ciao bella!

thanks for blaze!

2009-10-09T05:54:00.001-05:00

i wanted to make sure that i made mention of a comment i got on my ready to spill...pt 2 post that really meant a lot to me.

i didn't see this comment until yesterday because for some reason it hadn't come through on my phone like all my others. but it struck a cord with me.

blaze ended her comment with a phrase that will be permanently etched in my brain. "I'm proud of you for breaking away because even though it's right it doesn't make it any less painful."

no truer words have i read than those right there. for years, i have been trying to make sense of my deplorable childhood. my angsty teen years. my awkward 20's. for years i have tried to explain why i keep giving my family a chance when clearly, they are too selfish to change. i never could get the right words together...which is rare. these words hit me like a ton of bricks because of how true they are.

so thank you blaze. not only for saying that you are proud of my decisions, but for acknowledging the fact that the decisions i made came with a price.

thursday's child

2009-10-08T20:00:00.002-05:00

has far to go!

this is my buddy boy, sir n! he was told he may not walk til well after his 2nd birthday. he was 15 months old here and sooo excited that he stood up all by himself! the day after this pic was taken, he started shooting across the room! so proud of sir n!!

i'm sorry, did i take a breath and make you assume i was finished?

2009-10-08T15:48:00.000-05:00

i only take breaths between fractions of things i say. it's like, let me finish what i'm talking about before you put your 2 cents in because if you were able to interject anything of any interest, then that means i'm done talking about what i'm finding interesting and we have to move forward with the conversation instead of staying comfortably in the one topic that i love discussing and that is...me!

have you ever known someone like that? yeahhhh...congratulations! you do now!!!! don't fret, i won't do it to you. [obviously because there is no way i could interrupt or talk over you through the internet. wow. lucky you!] i don't know why i do it. i just do. it's like my brain is saying you are going to say blah blah blah blah blah and i'm saying it before i'm actually finished with the thought process of it in my head! as a matter of fact, it's more like i say it first and think it later. like somewhere my wires got crossed when God was passing out the nerve electrons for thinking before talking.

as you can imagine, this gets me in trouble. a lot. in a way, when my brother stated that i talk without taking a breath, that is the truth. however, my ability to talk the hind end off of a mule in no way deserved the hatred that spewed out of the huge orifice in my brother's face. or technically, from my brother's fingertips.

people don't understand me. ever.

i'm the one laughing in the movie theater when no one else is.
i'm the one who cuts the plastic liners up from a 6 pack of 20 oz sodas or 12 oz cans because i read somewhere when i was 12 that fish get caught in them and die. and i figure if you aren't going to recycle that shit, i might as well help keep a defenseless little animal from getting caught in the openings, you know?
i'm the one sitting in the library reading. or in my bed. or couch. or back porch. nose in book.
i'm the one who can recite all 103 lines of the highwayman from memory and even owns the phil ochs cassette version of my most favorite poem ever. i learned the lines in a 22 hour flight from NY to Tel Aviv and back my sophomore year in high school for a project in my advanced english class. miss preston rocked and even gave me a full score instead of half score! [because of my trip my project ended up being given 2 weeks late. in advanced classes you don't get leniency. you are there for a reason.]
i'm the one who was in advanced everything. except math. math despises me.
i'm the one who watches anne of green gables and all sequels every few months because they make me smile and remind me of the time in 9th grade when i changed my name to anne because i wanted to be anne shirley. i wanted to be anyone but myself. of course, so did she.
i'm the one who was made fun of.

i'm the one who was made fun of because:

i wore the same shoes to school. everyday. the same old dookie [don't you just TRIPPP when tyra says that? seriously!?] brown boots whether it was shorts, pants, or dresses was that my fashion statement? hell to the N.O.! it was because my parents didn't have a lot of money. and i never asked because asking would lead to a lecture about how i should be glad to get my sisters' hand me downs [even though my sisters are 7 & 9 years older than i] and how dear brother was the only boy and needed the new clothes since there were no hand me downs for him.
i had 2 pairs of pants. medium wash jeans & green courduroy. guess which ones looked best with those boots?! i dare you.
hair? ha! i had no clue what hair accessories were. my mother didn't have the use of 1 arm. my sisters were out of the house by the time i was old enough to start wanting my hair done. brush and ponytail. down, & parted down the middle. that's all i knew. so that's all i did. hippy-ish, but then again, what more could you expect from a poor southern gal born in the 80's and raised with music circa 1960's & 70's?
my breasts were like nothing one day in 3rd grade and then poof, there are two huge dd's weighing me down the next. it sucked. it still sucks. even when my weight is down, they are still borderline g's! it is sooooo irritating!
because i was different. because i wasn't what people would consider "normal." and people are afraid of anything that is different.

i think i am done now. i don't know where i was going with this post, but i wasn't planning on writing a post like this because i am actually in a really good mood. but i guess i needed to get it out? hmmmm.

just an fyi.

2009-10-08T06:46:00.000-05:00

i am up & awake this am! it's 6:37 am and this is what is done:

i am dressed? check!
kids up & dressed? check!
backpacks? by the door? check!
homework? check!
lunches? yes yes yes CHECK CHECK [sans book]!!

now i, in no way shape or form, am promising that i will STAY awake throughout the day without a few nodding off periods but as of this moment right now i'm pretty darn awake. and i don't even drink coffee! [i've been up since 5:25. was terrified to lay back down!] although i do love me some french vanilla cappuchino from qt. and now that the weather is pretty much on even cool ground, this might be a morning staple? maybe not. i still have fat to get rid of. [tell that to the 4 liters of root beer in the pantry!]

the point: i am awake. that means i'm totally rocktastic. today. =)

wednesday's child

2009-10-07T16:30:00.000-05:00

a wee bit woeful are we?!?!? hahahahahaha!

woes. wbw. wordful wednesday. woot!

2009-10-07T10:01:00.000-05:00

i'll get to all my wednesday loveliness in un momento. as for this moment i must talk about my day so far. and it's barely 10 am. [insert long lengthy sigh here...on second thought, maybe not! even though i'm preeetttttty sure i brushed my teeth this morning, i'm not 100% sure so just to be safe...]

woke up @ 5:25 with the alarm blaring. went to bed at 10:30 last night people which is like wayyyyyy early for this emotional wreck so...decided i should get at least 1 more hour of sleep before waking up to start my day. shut off the alarm, set a new alarm on my wonderful bb and lay back down in bed on the heating pad [yes my back is killing me lately!] which felt awesomely awesome and went back to sleep. sounds pleasant right??

nooooooooooooooo way! apparently my adorable bb decided that it was going to just shut OFF because hey, i had it in bed with me [so that i could well, you know...maybe HEAR it without it waking up my entire house] and who knew a heating pad would shoot the battery with an electric charge that kills.the.battery.instantly? seriously people...did you know? because i did not. boo on myself for not using mi cabeza. memo to myself: heating pad + cell phone = dead battery. luckily it does not require replacement but even if it did, it'd be under warranty so whatev. i'm just uber excited to have my phone working now.

so because my heating pad decided to kill my bb in my sleep, i did not rouse until 7:45 am. hellooooo. this is completely.unacceptable. my first client? arrives at 7 am. my ladies' bus? arrives at 7:16 am. was i awake? nooooo. were the ladies awake? noooooo. [of course not. because the first rule of childhood is to always be up at the ass crack of dawn for cartoons on the weekend and never wake up at all to get ready for school during the week!]

amidst the clients pouring in, i am trying to get 2 lovely ladies dressed, [because who wants to make the dream of showing up at school naked a reality???] fed, [obviously they weren't in time for breakfast @ school. hmph!] do their hair, [because my lovely ladies do NOT go to school looking like they didn't wake up on time.] and checklist homework, [we don't have a dog to blame that one on] check! backpacks? check! & lunches. shit. lunches...uh....no time to pack lunches. check...book. =(

now i'm trying to find a way to get them to school. because sir g isn't going to do it [he's still pissed at me from an argument from last night when apparently i let my anxiety take over my entire world and i went into what i like to refer to as: bitch.fest.mode.] and i had clients waiting for my immediate attention so i sure couldn't do it...

enters the best-friend-from-high-school-turned-client-who's-children-just-so-happen-to-go-to-the-same-school-that-my-ladies-attend. thank you rebecca. i love you endlessly for taking my ladies to school today. =)

problem solved. now i can breathe. let's move on with my day, smile and say: it could've been worse!

and now wbw this idea comes from stacia & jax!:

myself & lady o ~ 2 days old. 5/2002

wow. we were so tiny back then!

lady o was only 8 lbs.

i was only 152 lbs. size 10. oh how i wish wish wish!

[boobs? still a size G! jeezum crowe!]

this idea comes from cassie over @ my life with kids!:

assignment: 6 words to describe your entire life.

my 6 words:

i have and will continue surviving.

wow. deep. so, what 6 words would you use to desribe your life from birth up to the age you are today??

humpitty hump humppppp day =)

2009-10-07T02:08:00.000-05:00

happy hump day people! so it's wednesday. apparently a busy day for me seeing that i never ever ever post 2 or more times in one day. something about worrying if people will read everything i write if i'm constantly having diarrhea of the mouth. hahaha.

things that have made my day today:

realizing that tonight is: antm, criminal minds, csi: ny [still need to watch last week's to catch up!]

today is one day closer to grey's day. just sayin...=)

friday is picture day for my lovely ladies! uniforms required but hair = creative freedom. p.s. i absolutely adore the fact that i can pair any style/type/color of leggings/tights/socks with their uniforms! example, today: brown tights with multi-colored dots & glittery hot pink tights with silver lining! looove it! match bow to crazy tights & ensemble is finished!

This video! if you do view this video, vote for it! and not just because the guy in the vid is a really good friend of mine's brother! midwestern humor people. gotta love it!

cooler weather.
i love summer. but not like Topper could fry an egg on my stomach with all the fixin's type hot! more like the let's all head down to the beach in shorts and a cowl neck sweater type hot. because it's JMO that 65-75 degree + sun high in the sky weather is THE BEST summer weather. i suppose this is because i'm from florida? hmm. who knows.
my lovely ladies screaming "mommyyyyy!!!!!" and big smiles when they got off the bus. and then they ruuuuuuuuuuuuuun as fast as they can to me so happy. of course, this has me smiling even wider. it's not until after they get inside the house that they revert back to the dear ~~brats~~ ladies i know and love.
all my blog comments!
i seriously love love LOVE you guys! you guys are the best commenters in the history or blog commenting! i am ecstatic to get each and every comment. [seriously everytime my bb went ding! ding! ding! my heart jumped with glee!]
and kat, ty ty tysvm! your comment made tears well up in my eyes. i'm totally not kidding. after all, i am emotional! maybe i should change that to over-emotional? hahaha!

this was supposed to be bulletted. stupid blogger!

tuesday's child is full of grace...

2009-10-06T15:50:00.000-05:00

...and my aren't they graceful...

ready to spill...pt 2

2009-10-06T08:47:00.000-05:00

if you are just joining me and would like to catch up, reading post ready to spill first might help you to understand the following better. =)

2 weeks went by with out a word from my mother. or father. i was beginning to be okay with my phone ringing. my text messages dinging. i was getting out of the habit of putting my phone on silent. just as i started to relax a little bit, things turned for the worse.

friday afternoon i received a text from my brother. it was a normal text of a picture of his son gavin. i did not respond. i never did anymore. the way my family has always made me feel...always treated me...was not something i was wanting to open back up by responding to a text. a few hours later i received another text from my brother. i thought wow, that's odd, 2 texts in one day? and that's when i knew. i knew in the pit of my stomach why he was texting. because the texting dings were coming swift, loud, demanding. and i remember thinking shit. mother talked to him. and i remember inching slowly towards my phone, afraid of the words that i wasn't sure if i could just brush off...

*explicit language following. i do apologize. but i'm purging here so...=)

brother's texts in paragraph form: what the f*ck is your problem? who the f*ck do you think you are? you g*dd*mn f*cking c*nt wh*re! you snotty little stuck up b*tch! you are a snotty stuck up little c*nt b*tch who needs to pull her head out of her a$$ and realize that the world does not revolve around her! you have a prob with me, you come to me about it, dont' b*tch to everybody else and then act like nothing is wrong when you talk to me! oh and tell sir g that it was appropriate for us to bring gavin to golden corrall that morning! what the hell did he expect us to do? leave him home, alone!? on father's day!? don't you call or text me until you pull your head out of your fat a$$ and learn to grow up and realize that the world doesn't revolve around you because i'm here to tell you you stupid little fat a$$ c*nt b*tch, it DOESN'T!

at this point, i'm in tears. but i did not respond. and boyyyy this was hard. when i am attacked, i hold no punches. you want this proper woman, this diva to show her true southern colors, start running off at your mouth and i can throw down.

but i knew this was my mother's doing. she did this because i hadn't called her in the time she thought was appropriate for me to have "gotten over" her visit her emotional and mental damage. she was impatient about my not calling. all she wanted was for me to call her and talk to her because if i did that, she won. it's a control game with her. obviously she told him quite a few lies. obviously she stretched the truth.

i never complained about my brother to anyone. not even to my parents. i simply let my hurt feelings be known. and my hurt feelings weren't even about my brother as much as they were about my parents making choices that were hurting my children. i didn't want to cause an argument so i didn't include him in my conversations with my mother and father. that we had in my house. i'm not going to stir up strife. i just wanted to patch things up with my parents (that sooooo didn't happen) and give my kids real grandparents (that soooooo didn't happen either.) and as far as gavin & the golden corrall thing: the kid had a fever. he had green snot pouring from his nostrils and screamed the entire father's day breakfast. it wasn't appropriate for him to be there. and no one actually TOLD him this. my mother asked in front of him and the entire family if in my expert opinion (one of my degrees is in early childhood education, health, & safety) did i think it was appropriate for gavin to be at the breakfast and i stated the truth: he needed to be at home resting and getting well.

so an hour or so later...(at this point it's after 1 am.)

brother's text in paragraph form: what?! omg! what?! the person who has something to say about EVERYTHING has NOTHING to say!? you want to know why i never want to have anything to do with you??? you annoy the sh*t out of me! you always have! i f*cking hate you! you aren't even my g*dd*mn sister! we don't even have the same father! you constantly talk without pause! you think you know everything! i don't like sir g! and i don't want to be constantly climbed on by some hyperactive f*cking kids who should both be on some g*dd*mn ritalin but for some reason their mother is too fat a$$ and lazy to take them to the f*cking doctor to get it for them!

(allow me to clarify here that my brother was diagnosed with adhd at 6 years of age and spent most of his childhood and teenage years [up until the drugs] on ritalin. my brother is a high school drop out who repeated 8th grade twice and then gave up during 9th grade. he spent the better part of his young teenage and adult years on massive amounts of drugs, collecting action figures and playing video games. he has worked in the produce department at a local grocery store since he dropped out of the 9th grade. he doesn't have a driver's license. he never got his ged. he met his wife at a bar in his small town and got a call from her 6 weeks later that she was pregnant and so he married her. he is 26.)

but back to the texts: honestly it goes like this on and on...basically repeating himself with rude and inexcusable verbage. i turned my phone off all weekend long. when i turned it back on monday morning to get ready for work calls to start pouring in, i was bombarded by over 300 text messages between him, his wife, and my mother. each one worse than the last. each one more emotionally damaging. so i deleted them all without reading the rest. i really wanted to read it but i couldn't. i wasn't in any shape to do that.

monday night i went to my therapy appointment. i couldn't even speak. i was filled with so much hurt. so much pain. so many thoughts and questions and feelings of rejection poured out of my mouth at a rate much faster than i thought possible.

whyyy can't my parents love me? why can't my family love me? why have they never taken up for me? why is it me who helps them, takes care of them, saves them when they are in binds, and is always there to take a call, lend a hand, give advice, and then it is me who is let down time and time again??

i don't even remember everything i said, i just remember crying. [i seriously think my first 3 appointments she didn't say a word, just listened and let me cry! lol]

i couldn't blog. i could barely function through my work days. it was a blessing this happened over the summertime because i really don't know how i'd have gotten stuff ready for work, and both of my ladies ready for school every morning. i was barely waking up on time as it was. i spiraled downward.

after therapy that night, we decided to take the girls to the park. i needed some fresh air. and little did i know that this would also cause another turning point in how i broke away from my "family."

but i'll save that for another post. this one is long enough i think.

not me monday...a little bit of TMFI!...kreativ blogger award...

2009-10-05T02:38:00.000-05:00

*le sigh* i couldn't figure out the links. so you get to get the diva version of promoting mckmama without her copy and paste introductory feature. this not me monday idea was fashioned by the baby loving mckmama over at http://www.mycharmingkids.net/. whew. that wasn't too painful was it? apparently she has these super-cuuuuuuuute buttons you can copy and paste, only every time i try i get a pop up message saying i'm not special enough for the copy and paste feature to work in giving me the button code. sweeeet.

and now, for not me monday...

friday night i was exhausted. so i know that i totally did not give my 5 year old a half of an extra dose of her medicine [totally natural people so...safe!!] so that she would calm down and go to sleep more quickly. i would never do that to get a few extra hours of much needed sleep because my days start at 5 am [if not sooner] and don't end until well after 11 pm because my daughter decides that she can't go to sleep if there is someone awake in the house. i most certainly did not turn off all the lights and hide in the hallway [pretending to be asleep in my bed] until i heard her steady breathing. no way. not me.
i did not not listen to my friend instinct early saturday morning when i awoke with a start around 4:45 am to the thought that i needed to call mandy. i couldn't get comfortable and just knew it was because i felt the need to call her, but i couldn't make myself get out of bed to do it.
i totally did not wake up an hour and a half later filled with a super-fat head stuffed to the brim with sinuses that pounded to the tune of "fire burning on the dance floor" and i most certainly did not wait to take my temperature because the thought of getting out of bed was causing big daddy sean kingston's crumping on my cranium even worse.
i did not stay in bed all day updating status messages pathetically to twitter, myspace, & facebook.
i did not ignore my children running around the house and certainly did not ignore the fact that lady n had stolen my umbrella, taken it into her room, and proceeded to throw cups of water around to make it "rain" while lady o shook their homemade rainmaker in unison.
i did not bbm kelli randomly throughout the day swearing that garden gnomes were evil and were responsible for every single dead body in dark water. no, not my random, silly, feverish self!
i did not ask sir g for fries & route 44 root beer so i could crunch the ice. i also did not lay there all evening and night watching ID's "wicked attraction" marathon and then did not end the night with a horribly sick, disgusting syfy movie called wrong turn 2: dead end. and no, it was no way as cheesy as it's title!
and finally, no way am i sitting here, eating my caramel apple from zag's booth from the fair last night as i type this. and i am totally not enjoying it immensely!

one hugely laughable "not my child monday" post that is too embarassing and hilarious for me to not share as tmfi as it may be:

lady n did not get into my bathroom on saturday during my feverish nap and find what she thought was a halloween decoration [okay and that tmi piece of every-woman-should-have-at-least-one-equipment was hidden inside the upper cabinet inside a velveet bag that was inside 2 bags!]
she most certainly did not proceed to tell each and every person we came across at the fair on sunday that she found a huge leg to scare people with for halloween in mommy's bathroom and that daddy hadn't painted the blood on it yet!
and i was totally not completely mortified when we were passing the "for ladies only" booth in the expo center when she did not scream in 5 year old amazement "look! there's the place where mommy and daddy got the halloween decoration! sissy! look!" and the entire booth + about 50 people around us did not bust out in peals of laughter.

no way. this did NOT happen to me.

so blaze over at Well you wanted to know my thoughts... decided i was creative enough to receive a kreativ blogger award so i'm going to pass it on. thanks so much blaze! blaze and i attended high school together and even though she was absentee at the reunion [tsk...tsk...tsk blaze!] i will still read her blog. she has interesting and comical things to say [when she says them] and in my opinion should blog wayyy more. =) um, she also has superrr powers so beware! lol!

here are the rules:

thank the person who nominated you for this award.
copy the logo and place it on your blog.
link to the person who nominated you for this award.
name 7 things about yourself that people may not know.
nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they've been nominated.

7 things about me you may not know:

i am from florida. i grew up in panama city beach, right on the beach and had white-blonde hair until the age of 5. i think the correct term for that is "tow-headed."
my oldest daughter was born deaf and has had 2 surgeries for cochlear implants. you can read about that here, here, & here.
i was abused my whole life. first by my family and then by my ex husband. every step i take as an adult is a step towards breaking that cycle.
i am highly intelligent. not only am i book smart, i'm street smart. and i'm full of useless information too!
random is my middle name.
i am addicted to wife swap reruns. [i am watching one right now! ha!]
cleaning makes me sick. seriously, cleaning gives me: stuffy nose, swollen eyes, itching, sneezing, coughing, headache, sweats. i am literally allergic to cleaning. sweet.

nominated bloggers:

kelli @ randamonium!
stacia @ stacia&jacob.
delilah @ bretsgirl.
abigail @ rear window.
melissa @ check it, it's melissa.
mckmama @ mycharmingkids.
lynette @ dancing barefoot.

his cheeseburger.

2009-10-02T12:26:00.000-05:00

disclaimer:

some grey's & private practice spoilers in the TV section. if you haven't seen them, you might want to skip that part. sry! =(

i am getting things together to have my mommy & us time with the girls. our fav things about friday night?? cookies & cream ice cream, wingstop [yummayyyy!] and ghost whisperer!

this is natalie's favorite kid's song. Jennifer @ ExHotGirl posted it and made me want to post it as well! food lovers & dieter's alike i think will get a KICK out of this song. and the drama...=) entertaining!

moving on....i am filling my blog with some light and airy material as i prepare for "ready to spill 2." with that being said, i have gotten a signature! yay! and must i say, i absolutely adore blogger's new posting field. i never used it before, but with this new blog being born i've totally gotten into the whole 3 column thing and signature usage and yada yada yada...=) let me know what you think of the signature!

TV.
hello! my name is diva. and i am addicted to my dvr.
yes, i admit it. my dvr is like my best friend. i check her in the morning, throughout the day, and especially at night. i soooo need a schedule. if there weren't so many things to dvr, i'd save them for the weekend but by that time, i've got that annoying hour glass telling me i have 2 days to view. are you effing kidding me? 2 days to view!?! is this what the digital world has come to, telling me what time frame to watch my dvr'd shows?!? bah! plus with all this kid stuff...choir performances, playgrounds, play-dates, g!rl sc0uts, sigh...can't wait until cheerleading and soccer...=)

csi: miami - a minus. only because i was madly in love with delko.
two & a half men - always hilarious. charl!e sheen has been my lover boy since back in the men @t work days when he used to do everything with his amazingly hottt brother, emilio. yummy.
antm - my god my god. they still kept bianca. stealing from melissa, jeezum crowe!! [i say that like all the time now. why is bloggage verbage so addictive???]
criminal minds - 2 words: LOVE it. [enuff said]
csi: ny - still haven't watched, but sooo ready to. i was sad to see danny in the wheelchair. boo.
grey's - [notice how it's always referred to as "grey's?" never "grey's anatomy" anymore. just grey's. they should change the name to just "grey's"] and next week...mer's father...holy crappola. and what is THAT supposed to mean? "as much as he was horrible to you, he was that great to me" who the fudge cares? crappy old man.
private practice - words cannot express the joy that i felt when mommy & baby were saved. *sigh* i knew the funeral at the beggining had to be from his dead wife's funeral. garland didn't believe me but...i was right. like always. =D
vampire diaries - have been a fan since the first episode but i am missing my true blood and twilight. [did you see my new moon counter widget? excitedddd much? =) nerd!] it wasn't bad but it was slow which made it boooring [yawn] but next week's looks exciting!

happy friday!!! and have a great weekend!!!

thankful thursday & greysday. =)

2009-10-01T20:28:00.000-05:00

i am uber excited that tonight is: vampire diaries, prom night, csi:, private practice (premiere people, seriously!!), and most importantly, grey's!!!! [granted last week's premiere episode ~~could~~ should have been better, all in all, grey's is by far the best show everrrr!!] now that we have that cleared up, in no specific order, these are the things i am thankful for...

sir g. for everything he is, everything he has been, and everything he will continue to be. for loving me and putting me before himself most of the time, and for putting up with my cuh-raaaaazy mood swings!
my kids. no matter how badly they get on my nerves, [smart ass remarks, breaking my things, ~~wearing~~ destroying my make up, spilling drinks, complaining about dinner, arguing about what toys to take into the car...etc] they are the #1 reason that i am trying to become the better person that i know i can be.
my therapist. for listening, for validating, for pointing out that falliabilities are normal human behaviors and that traumas can be overcome...with lots of time and being brave enough to stop stuffing and start facing your fears and hurts.
kelli. you can read why here since she already has a whole page dedicated to her! =)
my bl@ckberry for bringing me so much happiness and joy in the palm of my hand! you have no idea how awesome it feels that i hand-picked my own phone after researching it and the iPh0ne. [i was really disappointed, i thought i'd like the iPh0ne but i hated, hated, hated it!] i feel so connected with the outside world [which is really hard considering i live, parent, and work in my home and hardly ever get out of the house!]
the movie all @bout steve. for helping me realize that there are other people in this world as odd as i am because if there weren't, there wouldn't be any way that sandra bullock could pull off that character so flawlessly. =)
new m00n is premiering in 49 days. which means my birthday is in 50 days. and i'll be 29, my last year of being in my twenties. ~~i am totally ok with this!!!~~
sonic route 44 root beers. whoever created this wonderful drink has my eternal thanks! the ice. the root beer. crunchity crunch crunch. it's like a party between my teeth. yummm...
abc for fall TV. i could name a ton of shows but that would take half this page. =)
vampires. that is soooooooooo crazy sick. but i am thankful for them anyway. not only does james woods look hot as a vampire slayer, so does kristy swanson, sarah michelle gellar, & jon bon jovi. yes i said j0n bon j0vi! seriously! bahahahaha!
marsh@lls. for helping me save over 200 dollars for sir g's birthday by offering kick ass prices on items that the mall had priced ridiculously high.
fall. i am in love with fall. i love the leaves changing color. i love the wind. i love the smell of the air. layering. button ups. peacoats. boots. leggings. you name it, i love it. and i broke out the brown co@ch purse! which means i can now wear the matching heels! woot woot!

WBW

2009-09-30T08:45:00.000-05:00

so last night at the last minute lady o came home from school telling me that she had a choir performance. now I check her back pack every.afternoon. and i know that in the last 2 weeks i have not had a letter home telling me anything about a choir performance. *le sigh* so i hustled to get the house ready for today, said good bye to my last client, and left lady n with sir g [because let's face it...lady n can't calm herself down long enough to sit through anything that doesn't revolve around her. heh.] and flitted across the street for a performance of nursery rhymes.

she did great. she even played the xylophone (perfectly i might add) as a solo at the end of one of the songs. wtg livi! afterwards we went to an all you can eat rib dinner at rib crib. [because ribs are delicioso!]

here's WBW:

This is back in November of 2006, at the Ripley's Believe it or Not Museum/Aquarium in Sevierville, TN. We were on vacation to visit my sister Rachel. lady n is ~~laughing~~ screaming because she did not like the "Boney Men!" and lady o isn't afraid of the Pirates, she's slipping off the cannon!

ready to spill...pt 1

2009-09-29T21:42:00.000-05:00

it has been quite a summer. the pain is gone now. the meds have helped a ton with my anxiety. my ptsd is easier to manage with my talk therapy.

anyone who knows me in "real life" knows what kind of relationship i have with my mother. it was hanging by a thread. this summer, that thread was yanked out and fell in a huge knotted heap on the ground. i have had to cut ties with my mother completely. with my father. with my brother & his wife & son. i envy those of you who have good parents and are close with your siblings. i do not have that. i will never have that.

my parents came for a week in june. they decided that instead of sticking to the plan, they were going to go with their own flow. but on my dime. my time with my parents, to try to heal past hurts, move on from those things, and forage a future, were interrupted repeatedly by my brother and his meddlesome wife.

my brother was always the favorite. always chosen over me. he did something wrong, i got the blame-and the beating-for it. i protected him in hopes that he would one day realize all i did and love me like normal brothers and sisters love each other. sadly, this was to not be the case. he showed his true colors...just as my mother and father did.

my mother screamed at me. every day she was here. she was in my face. she smacked me across the face with a spatula. she screamed at my assistant. she screamed at me in front of my assistant, in front of my clients, and in front of my charges. she stomped outside slamming my doors and paced up and down my driveway screaming "in tongues" to the point where my neighbors were calling/texting me to alert me of a senile vagrant ranting and raving outside my house and should they call the police.

they repeatedly chose to go to my brother's apartment. to have dinner with them after i worked all day at making a good meal while working full time. they came here on my dime, to spend time with my kids, their GRANDCHILDREN, and they never kept their word to them about going to the zoo, the aquarium, etc. they cancelled on my 5 and 7 year old to see their 26 year old son. who didn't even know they were coming to town until the day before they arrived. if i mentioned anything about making dinner for that night, i was responded in a rude ungreatful manner and myself and my family were cast to the side. apparently all i was good for to my parents was a way to get them here to dote on my brother and his family.

this continued and did not let up the entire 7 days. i felt like i was going insane. on top of everything else going on in my life, i finally see 100% that my parents do not love me. at all. they don't care about what i have done for them. what i did for them. the sacrifices that i made for them. they do not care. so the day they went home i took my parents to the airport and this transpired:

MOM: "come on, i know it was a rough 7 days but i still had a great time! why can't you give your ol' mom a hug goodbye?"
ME: "a rough 7 days? the only time you had a great time was when i was spending my money on YOU! only a rough 7 days? are you kidding me? mother, it's time for me to set it straight. i learned a lot these 7 days. i learned more than i ever wanted to know about you, but i learned everything i needed to know about myself. and i learned that i am in control of my life and the drama and chaos that surrounds it. i choose who's life affects me. and your drama, your chaos, is not something i want in my life. not anymore."

i grabbed my kids and got in the car. i had brought them with me because i knew i was going to be saying goodbye to my mother for the very last time. with her dramatic ways, i knew it would be a scene and i didn't want any reason to have to stick around. true to her colors, she began screaming my name, limping to the middle of the drop off zone at the airport. she dropped to her knees screaming and wailing my name so loudly that security could be seen through my sideview mirrors running out into the street.

she called me a million times that day. i did not answer. she continued this for days, to the point where i had my phone on silent all the time because every time the phone rang, i froze in fear that it was her. she left umpteen messages. first starting out quiet and demure, then ending with "what a bitch i am and how stuck up i'd become. how i'd gotten my own business, got a few labels, and what the fuck happened to me? i thought i was better than anyone else." still, i didn't respond. when that didn't work she began texting me. she did this for weeks, leaving texts of worried about me, wanting to hear from me. etc...then started the "you're a bitch" campaign, ringing on my BB until 4 am. then when that stopped working (see below for the reason that stopped) she began leaving little "digs" on messenger services like yahoo and msn. "i don't really give a rat's ass that you aren't talking to me anymore, i'm more worried about what you are telling your friends!" (to which i'm like what the fuck does that matter? none of my friends know you! i mean, that totally made no sense, right?)

finally at 3 am a week and a half later, after talking to my therapist i sent 1 text to her.

"mother, i would appreciate it if you would please give me some space. i am still trying to process your visit here. let me contact you when i am ready to. as of right now, there is nothing that i want or need to say to you. i will not respond to anymore texts, voicemails, ims, etc."

she didn't respond and finally it stopped. i heard nothing from her...but about 2 weeks later, my world was again turned upside down.

...to be continued...

supposedly...

2009-09-22T14:17:00.000-05:00

I'm A Slut Because Guys Look At My Boobs.

I'm A Bitch Because I Dont Let You Push Me Around.

I'm A Liar Because I Wont Tell You Everything.

I'm Stupid Because Sometimes I Make Bad Decisions.

I'm Ugly Because I'm Not A Size 8.

I'm A Whore Because Your Boyfriend Can Have An Intelligent Conversation With Me.

I'm Annoying Because I'm Not Chill Enough.

I'm A Loser Because I'm Not Friends With Your Group.

I'm Fake Because I Don't Always Tell You When I'm Sad.

I'm Weird Because I'm Not Like You.

I'm Controlling Because I Know What I'm Talking About.

I'm Clingy Because I Like To Be Around People.

I'm Greedy Because I Like To Be Satisfied.

I'm Conceited Because I'm Proud Of Who I've Become.

I'm Unappreciative Because I Don't Praise You For Every Little Thing.

Dont Try To Tell Me Who I Am, Because I Already Know.

affliction.

2009-09-19T01:25:00.000-05:00

pain is something i know a lot about. i don't know normal pain much...like a stubbed toe or a skinned knee. but i know the pain that leaves scars that no one can see. i know the pain that i have gone through the past few months that left me in such emotional turmoil that i haven't been able to pick up the pieces completely. i am working on it. but it's just exactly that...a work in progress.

i was supposed to go see my parents over the summer, but had a bad feeling about the visit so i cancelled the trip. (there was a reunion & get together with ppl from my old high school) my kids were so upset that gabe and i decided to have my parents come visit us instead. i thought this would be the perfect way to maybe fix some things that were going on between myself and my mother and father.

didn't happen. at all. as a matter of fact what transpired over the 7 days of sheer hell i can't even talk about right now because it is so hurtful. it is why i needed this place to vent. this place to try to make sense of this mess. maybe even to heal.

amidst the screaming and the name calling and the obvious way i was being treated, there was only one thing i could do instead of fall screaming and crying into a fetile position on the floor:
call a therapist. i loved my therapist from my marriage/divorce. she was my rock. she helped me so much. so i gave her a ring (this was the day before my parents left) and we planned to meet the day after my parents went back home.

i sat in her office for 2.5 hours and cried and just spewed forth the multitude of despair and hurt and angst that i had. i know i didn't make much sense to myself, but she seemed to be able to hear and sort through the sounds and meanings and reasons for my affliction.

when all is said and done, i felt better but things didn't get better with my family. i was harassed, accosted, belittled, and treated with a multitude of other types of aggressive behavior that was inappropriate and rude. all this broke me down immensely. mainly because this was my family! my mother, father, and brother & his wife. i felt like i was having a nervous breakdown. things weren't going so hot here at my house, then my parents pull their BS, my brother starts pulling his BS, the kids were acting up, and i felt like i spent so much time investing in people who didn't think i was important enough to warrant being invested back into.

this summer has taught me a lot. a lot about pain. a lot about my family. a lot about who is important and who isn't. but most of all, a lot about myself.

manual of life.

2009-09-18T01:02:00.000-05:00

life is complex and rather annoying. i'm sure most of you realize or at least awknowledge this. if you don't then you're just...well...oblivious or something to that effect.

manuals would have been a nice ditty at birth. of all the things you are supposed to say, should have said, should have done. that way when your best friend's boyfriend is seen only by you sneaking off with another chic, you can go to page 896 of your manual, section 4 where it talks about what to do when you catch your best friend's boyfriend cheating.

then you don't have that whole gut wrenching war of the mind: omg. should i tell her? no, it'll hurt her. i can't hurt her. what do i do? she'll get mad. she won't believe me. yah. the anxiety that comes with that can't be good. or healthy.

instead of a nice neat manual, we get to forage through this life taking what we get and getting what we take. some of us earn it, some of us already have it. either way, it's like we are all walking in different directions along the same strip of sidewalk. we have to shove, force, elbow, shoulder, and/or head butt our way through the crowd. if we don't do that then we get knocked down and stepped on because everyone is pretty much only worried about what happens in their own world.

and it does no good trying to leave a manual behind for the masses. it's not like anyone would read it and learn something from it. no two lives are alike. one person may have decided "she was a beautiful ray of sunshine, so i just had to go talk to her..." while another person, trying to follow the manual left, just can't go talk to the girl because his personality is different.
if manuals were available, would we use them anyway? i mean, how many people decide that they're going to put the exercise machine together anyway because it looks like a piece of cake?? how many people toss away the manuals to things as common as a camera, or can opener? would we treat a manual of life in the same fashion?

i'd like to think not. but the fact of the matter is, very few of us would use a life manual. most would only use it for the important things like when a friend loses a loved one or when the boyfriend is being an ass. maybe there'd be something valuable in there like "help with SATs." or "etiquette for the idiot." some would thumb through those i suppose.
maybe there isn't a life manual because people would totally trash it and do what they want anyway. then there's a screw up and they can't fix it per the manual.

and in that moment of despair, they wish for a manual that doesn't exist. because now they have to figure it out for themselves. and that...well...it just takes too much time and hurts too damn much.

my best [internet] friend.

2009-09-01T20:39:00.000-05:00

i have found friendship in the weirdest of places.

in the midst of my struggle to break free of my past, one person has been there ever.freaking.day. for me. i will forever be in her debt for the kindness she has shown me. for the patience she has displayed. for the sisterly love that she has bestowed upon my aching, breaking heart.

kelli, my best [internet] friend forever (aka: biff!), has been wonderful! i am so lucky to have someone like her in my day to day bbm-ing life. she has shown me that you don't have to be in constant physical contact with someone just to know them in and out. as it is, kelli and i have never met in real life. i hope to amend that the first chance given but for now, i just wanted to stop for a moment and say:

Thank You from the bottom of my heart kelli. you are truly amazing.

diagnosis.

2009-08-18T00:54:00.000-05:00

so i broke down in my therapist's office tonight. some massive things happened over the weekend. with the drama from my mother and brother (still not ready to go into details on that...yet.) and the drama with garland, i just broke down and totally completely let loose.

my diagnosis:

extreme anxiety.
post traumatic stress disorder.

i will elaborate on those in a later post. however, my therapist is prescribing me a new medication called pristic. yes, it is an anti-depressant but has actually gotten rave reviews and great feedback to combat both of the above diagnosis. i will let you know how it goes. i'm supposed to see a brightening of spirit within 5-7 days and have been told that i will not notice any significant changes, but that sir g will definitely notice.

hello, i am mary horowitz.

2009-08-17T00:25:00.000-05:00

my entire life i knew i was different. odd. weird. different sense of humor. different sense of being. i never felt like i belonged anywhere. with anyone. i still feel that way in a lot of areas. i don't have many friends and the ones i do have don't contact me...it's always me contacting them. it's always 1-sided with me. and when i try to reach out to aquaintances, i seem to only get polite responses back. or no response. it makes me feel lost. am i needy? do i come off that way? maybe it's just that they already have their "people" in their life and they don't need another friend/person.

when i was little i played mostly to myself. my sisters were much older, my brother was not anywhere near interested in being social. i was too young to have many friends and my mother didn't keep house well so i was forbidden to invite neighborhood friends to our home. it was cluttered and unkempt, infested with roaches and a messy smelly dog that got more attention than i ever did. i'd play in my room or annoy my sisters, subconciously pleading for someone to give me their time. i poured my heart and soul into others, hoping they'd see how awesome i was so that they'd like me or want to spend time with me.

i remember spending a lot of time in the bathroom after everyone would fall asleep. i'd line their pictures up on the mirror and i'd turn my head this way and that way...trying to figure out who i looked like. i looked like no one. i felt so lost and so alone.

so i did what i thought any normal kid would do when they don't understand something. i smiled. i pretended. and i got so use to doing this that my mask eventually attached itself to me and i wore it everywhere i went. and my mask felt good, because i felt nothing.

lois

2009-08-06T01:52:00.000-05:00

remember the mom from the show malcolm in the middle? you know how every episode she freaked out and screamed and yelled and was always whining and complaining and cursing people and a total freak? well that was my mother. only she didn't work. she wasn't "average" sized. she wasn't even really that pretty to be honest.
do not misunderstand. i do not HATE my mother. disappointed, yes. hate, no. i shall list all the things my mother did growing up for you. mind you, this is not an embellisment nor is it an exaggeration. this was my life growing up. and i hated it.

My mother...

yelled. all the time. she never spoke. speaking was foreign to her. unless someone not in our family was around.
hit. all the time. she never spanked, she beat: cord, hand, belt, hanger, newspaper. whatever was nearest to her when she got angry. and she kept on until she felt better. or got worn out. then she'd yell at us to "dry it up!"
watched TV. her couch was her haven. the TV was on all day every day and even into the late hours of the night. we knew better than to talk to her when a "show" was on, it would lead to yelling and spanking...of course when commercials came she would yell and spank, but not during the show.
was lazy. and still is. she told us more than once, in a non-joking tone, she had children so they could cater to her and do things for her. one time when i was 8, she had me boil her some tea and make it for her because she was watching her alltime favorite show! and didn't want to get up to make it herself. when i spilled the whole pitcher on the floor of the kitchen, [hell-oooo i was 8! it was heavy!] she went into a rage and switched my legs while making me clean it up. myself. it was hot. i have the scar from the burn on the inside of my arm to show for it. but when her show came back on, she'd be right back on her couch, watching it, on commercials, she'd continue yelling.
did not hug. she isn't a hugger. not then. not now. everytime i climbed into her lap to hug her, she'd say it's too hot get off me, or don't you have someone else to play with, or my favorite...go play with your dad, my show is on.
was impatient. and still is this, too. she had no time for us kids. she refused to make the time. we bored her. she said more than once that she should never have had kids because she didn't have the patience for them. i agree. we're all fucked up now.
lied. all the time. she can't help it. it's her nature. she was always mucking something up to make it dramatic or to screw other people up. to make her look good. i thought everything she said was the truth. now...i know everything she says is only a fraction of the truth. a small minute fraction.
is selfish. she only thinks of herself. she is always whining and complaining and has a multitude of excuses of why this or that wasn't done/said/etc...
is a hypocrite. she claims she is christian, but does more talking than she does walking.
is dramatic. she flies off the handle and uses her handicap as a crutch. i really dislike people that do that. everything is sooooooo much worse when it happens to her.

these are only a few that i can name off the top of my head of what i remember about my mom and what i know of how she acts now. she hasn't changed much. in fact, i think she only isn't as bad because there are no children in her house to care for. i can tell you this now though: if something happens to me, she sure as hell isn't getting my kids.

unspecial

2009-08-02T01:38:00.000-05:00

this green eyed monstrosity
it eats at my thoughts, in the dark recesses of my mind
how can it be so thick, it permeates the air
family should not wait
friendship should be:
- more understanding
- more two sided than one
- more friendly.

ashamed

2009-07-03T01:34:00.000-05:00

i was supposed to be more magnificent than this.
i was supposed to be something great.
i was supposed to be something redefined.
i was supposed to be a show stopper.

emotional slave

2009-07-02T01:27:00.000-05:00

what makes a recipe of someone? i'm not talking about looks, body fat index, or eye color. i'm referring to the complex diversity of the mental status.what is the recipe for a sound mind?for as long as i could remember, i have been a slave to my emotions. i hear a song, i read a book, i watch a movie, it's as if i am right there in the middle experiencing everything.sound crazy? maybe. but that is my reality.i hid all the time. inside music, books, movies. growing up there was always a struggle of some kind. from not enough money to fighting about money was a daily ordeal and my mother told me e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. that happened when it was out of my ear range to overhear.

i have so many memories. very few of them are good. i am currently just starting therapy, and she says i need to write down my thoughts and my memories. she says that emotional scars, or memories, shape and form the mind. so what are my memories?

i remember when i was very small, dropping jelly on the carpet underneath the bar table that was in our house in the corner. i had snuck some, and it was about midnight, and i heard my parents arguing and could see them from the mirror on the other side of the kitchen. i was petrified. i knew my mom would kick my ass when she saw the carpet. i knew i'd get a lecture from dad on sneaking food from the kitchen. i knew my mom was chucking a clothes basket at my dad. i do not know or remember why they were arguing
i remember the last time i saw my sister (#2). i was 6, she 13. she gave me her hair crimper and told me she loved me. i lived out the remainder of my childhood & teenaged years clinging to that memory, because after that, my mother told me my sister hated me and wasn't going to be my sister anymore. [more to this story to come i'm sure in a later post]
i remember when i decided food tasted better than pain. at 12, my other sister (#1)moved back into the house, 6 months pregnant. she was critical and bitched and complained all the time. she did things behind mom & dad's back and blamed me for them. she'd start arguments or hit me for no reason and then would make sure if i retaliated i was the one who got caught. so i buried myself in comfort carbs which made me the lovely flabby woman struggling with her weight loss today.
i remember being so excited the summer of 97. i had just been on a life-changing trip, i was happy and excited because we had finally been in one place long enough for me to actually have friends. i tried out for cheerleading and was starting advanced placement and college prep classes with my peers who were finding out that i was very smart, and were including me. then my father comes home on a friday and says god was calling him to the midwest and monday morning we left. i entered a state & town i'd never been to, and was dropped into a school that was much less educational than what i was use to. i had no one. no friends. no memories. in 11th grade, you already have your friends in place. i did not.
i remember being teased in middle school about the size of my breasts.
i remember my mom being so angry at me that she yanked me by my ponytail and dragged me through the living room, kitchen, and into my bedroom [which was the back porch] and throwing me onto my bed.
mom always screamed and hit and yelled. i hear her in my head all the time.

there are more horrid, more alienated, more shocking stories i could tell. none would mean a difference to those of you reading. you might think OMG or how could a parent do that. some of you may even wonder what the details are. i'm more than happy to share those in time. these things SHAPE the mind. they enter it and mold it and move it around and they imprint images that stalk you in the shadows and creep under your bed at night. the demons of your mind encompass you, and there is so much that you want to do...say...feel...and even then i am just tired of feeling everything all the time.
reading over this, i have realized that even though i have the right to my over-emotional mental status [don't like it, but have a right to it], i could have easily have been one of those kids who opened fire in a school. i could have been the serial killer.
but im not. i don't intend to be. its about choices. will this make me or break me? what will i do when i am made or broke? will i wallow or will i move on?
sometimes i wallow, eventually...i'll move on.