My photo
i laugh too loud. i sing all the time. i cry easily. i've been told i have the oddest sense of humor. ever. yes, i'm the one in the movies laughing when no one else gets it. the only time i dance is for my kids. they love my "rubber dance!" remember in school when you use to shake your pencils til they looked all bendy and rubbery? yeah, it's like that! ha! i stay up late and wake up early. i see a therapist who helps keep me straight and making good decisions. i do not speak to my mother and think this is great! I am moody, opinionated, emotional, intelligent, and empathetic. i love all things girly but mostly shoes, and have a bizarre infatuation with the following: lady gaga, celine dion, stacy london, britney spears. (how the heck does that even make sense?!) oh yeah and i am addicted to my iPhone.


katy interviewed me: [ps: go check it outttt!]

Friday, December 11, 2009

scars remind us where we've been...

in the movie forrest gump, there's a quote in there that goes like this:

forrest: momma always says there's an awful lot you could tell about a person by their shoes. where they're going. where they've been. i've worn lots of shoes. i bet if I think about it real hard i could remember my first pair of shoes.

scars are harder to read than shoes. with shoes, you can tell a hooker from a business woman. a librarian from a track runner. a soccer player from an artist. you can label people from their shoes. but strip them down, and we are all the same.

i get along with most people i meet. but there are some who don't like me. i don't know why. i don't understand why. and it bugs me to death if someone doesn't like me. i think i'm the nicest person in the world. i would do anything for anyone if i thought it would make that person smile. a lot of people perceive my kindness for weakness. people underestimate me constantly.

someone told me the other day that they thought i was a snob because of how i acted when i first met them like 9 years ago. i use to be extremely shy in first meetings. i'd try to act nonchalant, play with my hair, look anywhere but at the person i'm meeting. seeing me now, no one would imagine that i was shy in any setting. now, i walk right up and introduce myself. i do silly things and talk about random shit.

i wasn't just shy. i had scars. scars that berated me with "you shouldn't be here" and "you don't belong here this is wrong" and "all men want is one thing" and "this is an abomination" and countless other no-no's that were instilled in me growing up. scars that made me afraid to speak out or speak up or to be myself. scars that riddled me with so little self esteem that i was terrified to be ignored, laughed at, or thought as odd. the funny thing is, i actually think my oddity now is a trademark.

with scars, you can't have preconceived notions. you can't have assumptions. you have to jump in and put away your pride and you have to get to know that person so that maybe you can understand them, where they are coming from, where they've been, and where they are going.

so the next time you see someone and they rub you the wrong way, or you think wow, that's kinda...hmmm...they're weird i don't think i like them,

put away the snobbery. put away the ridicule you feel. take a closer look. and retrace your steps, take their hand and say, hello. everyone has something going on. you never know who just lost a sibling, parent, lover, or child. you can't tell loss or heartbreak or disappointment by shoes.

but by scars you can find out a story. just a few of my stories:

scar #1:
where: knee
story: i was teaching my little brother how to ride a bike. we lived in a 3 bedroom section 8 apartment home at the top of a hill in the projects in fairfax, alabama. he ran into me as i let go of the bike because he got scared and turned the wheel. the spoke was tattered and jagged and ripped my knee open.
i do not have any communication with my brother any more. the things that occurred over this past summer sealed that up and i put it on the shelf to maybe open at a much later date. but i still have this story. and this story tells the tale of a once very close brother and sister.

scar #2:
where: chin
story: i was living in the above mentioned projects and i wanted a bike REALLY bad. my brother had just learned to ride my old one and my parents were poor so that meant i had to do without. (normal) so i wanted to ride my friend's brother's bike. my dad said no, because he didn't have the money to replace it if i broke it and also, this friend's brother was a teenager and his bike had no brakes. hahaha. see where this is going? so i rode it anyway and thought i was hot stuff popping wheelies over the speed mountains until i hit this one going too fast and it threw me off the bike.
i flew across the speed mountain and landed on my stomach on some old woman's driveway. and i remember thinking wow, that was close! and then the next thing i knew my head was smashed into the concrete, chin down and i busted my chin open. the bike had flown into the air and came down right on my head.
my mother said i was being dramatic and that i could walk home when the old lady called her to come get me. she said i was a drama queen and it was just a scratch and she didn't want to miss her "General Hospital." i ended up getting 72 stitches. and i still have the scar. it taught me: never get overly confident &  don't trust my mother to love anything or anyone except herself.

scar #3
where: can't see it.
story: when i was 6 years old, i was awakened by my sister who was 13. she told me that she loved me and gave me her crimping iron (i'd been gawking at it since she bought it) and that if she could take me with her, she would. i did not see her again until i was 16. and then not again until i was 21. @ the age of 22, i found out some stuff that my mother had been lying about and i called my sister up and talked to her. now, my sister and i are pretty close. it has taken 6 long agonizing years of tearing away that scar tissue to repair 15 years worth of damage to our sister-relationship. but those 6 years have been worth it.

scar #4
where: lower back & sides
story: i have riddles of scars on my lower back and sides from my ex husband. he got mad enough to where he actually threw me through a double window-paned sliding glass door. i went through it. shattered both panes. flipped over the couch on the balconey. this was the incident that sent myself & lady o into the er. i was pregnant with lady n. and i never went back.

soooo idk where or why this post came out of me today. but maybe another day, i'll share some more scars. and when i do, you'll have some insights into ms. diva. that may or may not change your thoughts about me.

ps: i have decided to change my pattern with men. the next one will not be a woman beating fool. LOL

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

random thoughts tuesday

       brought to you by the unmom.
with a slight twist from moi by adding in a timer.
 because to me, random thoughts are refreshing when you don't know what imma be sayin' next!

you know the drill. i rock. timer is set to 60 seconds. lets see what i can get outta my brain now!

you must check out my girl's site. she's new so she needs encouragement. go now. yes. NOW. i did not stutter!

i miss my emotional twinkie. she needs to hurrythehellup and come home before i go into permanent withdrawals. =(

really want pizza but will settle for subway.

hearing babies laughing makes me laugh too. contagious much?

i am super duper happy with my life right now.

i want the ex to stop e mailing me. especially @ midnight. i don't need that shit.

i want a dyson for christmas. i could love vacuuming, right?

reeses pb cups are now made with nuts and pecans in them.

can i say heaaavenlyyyyyyyy without sounding like pb cups is code for "i got laid last night?" hahahahaaaaa no? allright. fine. *pout*

some babies are NOT pretty when first born. why is it not okay to state this when asked? what am i supposed to do? LIE?

what possessed lady gaga to have beyonce sing with her? i mean was she sitting at the studio somewhere jammin to a beat and thought "wow, i know exactly what this song needs....beyonce-tude!" and poof...telephone was born?

and was that beyonce in that song or was it sasha fierce? because i'm totally confused now. hmmm

read on my other girl's site comments that adam lambert is trying to be a total boy britney. yanno what?

i totally agree! hilarity!
i can so hear him (adam lambert) singing "i'm miss american dream since i was seventeen...do YOU wanna piece of me!?"

no, adam. i do NOT want a piece of you. and ps. the cover of your album looks like PINK in DRAG!

good for him, bad for her? unsure.

did i seriously use 45 seconds on adam lambert? what's wrong with mi cabeza??? i don't think i spent 2 seconds on AI listening to him sing?

crap. time to feed the kids. and the dinger's about to ding. yeah right about....

i want your psycho, your vertigo schtick...

stefani aka "lady gaga"

the first time i heard lady gaga was wayyyy early last year [maybe even late the year before?] i don't remember! lol.

i wanted to fight it. i wanted to hate her. she was so skinny, so tall, so blonde, so unlike anything i had ever heard or seen before. a friend of mine's father has a "connection" with the releases of new artists/films, etc and she got a pre-released demo of the first few songs lady gaga was to be releasing. [yes, i'm bragging, no i don't feel bad about it! lol]

but i didn't hate her. i LOVED her. i adored her pop-py tune and the oddity of her voice, her style. and she hasn't disappointed with her videos either! [btw, for you true blood fans, eric, the vampire sheriff, plays as her lover in the video paparazzi! he is soooo handsome! and how lucky for gaga! she got to kiss him! even though he did shove her off the balconey. bad eric! bad bad eric!]

so omw back from texas the other night, i bought her "the fame monster" album because i mean, i hadn't gotten it yet & i really really really wanted to have the song at my house! [the ex took the computer with the iTunes on it, (his computer so it's all good) and i wasn't able to copy to cd. so i can't plug up my iPod to add new music or i lose all 4.5 days i already have stored on it. booooo!]

of course bad romance is the hit on this particular release but the song i am addicted to is actually "alejandro" i don't know why,  but it has an addicting beat. i'm not too crazy about her speechless song (too slow) and i thought telephone was pretty awesome til beyonce starting singing. so....

here's my fav song of hers, no video yet but i'm sitting on the edge of my seat waiting!

i watched her on fuse last night and she has a pretty awesome aura about her. she also explained a lot of her songs on there and her reasonings behind her work. i was completely into it. don't ask me why. it's kinda weird for me to be this gaga over an artist (i don't know if that pun was intended yet or not...lol) she said bad romance's lyrics had to do with alfred hitchcock movies because she is a huge fan of his...

i want your psycho
your vertigo schtick
want you in my rear window
when your baby is sick (referenced to rosemary's baby)

and i honestly don't know why i have devoted this entire post to lady gaga, but i am definitely a huge gaga fan. and i heard that when she sang monster in boston, she opened up singing "boston ate my heart..." instead of "he ate my heart" and i don't know why i think that is awesometastic, [maybe cause i was just there? idk] but i do so whatev!

lol now that you think im completely insane, just go listen to alejandro if you can. it's catchy. seriously.

Monday, December 07, 2009

i didn't....

Are you feeling guilty for using hand soap as body wash in the tub because grocery shopping is long overdue? Overcome with shame because raised your voice at your kids outside church yesterday and you're pretty sure the pastor overheard you? Well don't be! Not Me! Monday was born out of MckMama's desire to admit some of her imperfections and reveal a few moments she'd rather forget.

So I decided to join in and hide my mortification behind humor and sarcasm. =)
  • do 12 (more like 8) loads of laundry ALL DAY on friday just so we had clothes to take on our trip. we didn't take that many with us, but i didn't decide to wash everything(!) in the house so that i could pick and choose whatever i wanted. nooo way! not this chica!
  • leave @ 3 am to head to tyler, tx with friend mels & the ladies in tow (on 0 hours of sleep. ha!) thankfully the ladies slept through the whole "let's not miss the 271 s exit and continue straight through to idabel, ok!" (which i totally knew where that was at so there was no fear that i wasn't going to get out of ok at all!)
  • take the convenience store lady's advice when she said "now you go down 'bout fourth a miles that-a-ways, an' ya take yerself a right. an' ya git yerself on that 30 wayest innerstate. and ya drive til ya see tha exit that says "tyla" and ya take 'at all da way ta tyla. butchu gonna be drivin awhile now, k? an' dats all i knows." yeah, i totally didn't do that. nope. not me. (c'mon! there was NO ONE around for miles! what else was i gonna do!?)
  • survive on rockstars & white cheddar popcorn *shakes head fervently* until 30 w clearly indicated that i was no longer heading in "tyla" direction because *gasp* there's totally a tyla exit! and in retrospect...i knew that cuz tyler is south and 30 was taking me, well, west. yeah. west.
  • do the exact same thing coming home. but this time it wasn't because i couldn't find my exit. it was cuz i had 2 calls back to back and well, i was ON the turnpike heading towards tulsa and omgoshies for some reason got off of it @ henryetta to head to okc? was i drunk? sure i wasn't!!
in all seriousness though, i went to tex-ass this weekend. i adore texas. i wished i had gone to dallas but you know what? things happen for a reason. and i'd have spent too much money doing or buying too many things that i really didn't need (but it would have felt soooo good! how naughty is that!?)
we headed out to tyler texas to visit my friend misty. she and i go wayyyy back and she has lived there for awhile but just never made it out to see her. when she found out she was moving to alabama, i figured i better get my butt out there to see her before she left. tyler tx, i could do. odenville, al might be a little too far to go. =)
we stayed on a ranch, and my children quickly found out what it's like to have nothing to do. they hated it. i hated it because they turned into insane monsters who wanted to do something but either there was nothing to do, or it was raining. fun fun! at least now they can appreciate what they have here at the house more. i hope.

im also excited for wednesday. i get to see an old friend for dinner! yay me! i get some adult conversation! woooooot!

ok...so i will have pics as soon as i can find my cord. and i have a bedroom full of laundry that needs to be put away. =) so until later...ciao!

Friday, December 04, 2009

i suppose i should blog now, eh?

i bet you think i died.
or went on a month long sleeping binge.
or perhaps i decided to wallow around in my own self pity and forget about my lovely blog readers.
or i'm blogging on the protected site, detoxing diva.

well i've done none of those.

ok ok i did go on a laying around the house in my new pink robe

(that i bought myself for my birthday) and off and on sleeping for 1 weekend (my birthday weekend) because of some things that had gone on but you know what?

i deserved it.

i deserved it because i work hard, no matter what anyone else thinks.
because i'm a good mom and a working mother is the busiest person there is if she does it right and even busier when she doesn't!
because i've spent my life doing for others and giving and doing and it was about time i did something for me.

so here i sit, letting you know that i'm not dead. or wallowing. or sleeping. or cheat-blogging @ the closed site.

guess what i AM doing?

i am:
being a better mother
being a better worker
being more positive about myself
being active (wow 10 lbs already are you kidding me?) even though it's more like umm yeah having trouble eating...
taking care of ME. (Jax, totally took your suggestions, & you are rocktastic, woman! Thanks chica!)
writing. as in, writing again. not blogging. but writing. it is wonderful.
i'm busy! but a GOOD busy. i'm not exhaustifyingly trying to get some emotion in or out of someone who just wasn't into being emotional on any scale. i'm cleaning and going to the park and getting out with other mothers and their children (loveeee me some becks!) and am helping the girls with their homework and just basically doing all the things i'm supposed to be doing but it just feels like there's this huge heavy burden lifted right off of my shoulders and i'm unsure of what that means exactly at this moment in time but i do know that it feels GREAT!

it is so refreshing to not have to worry about what time the dishes are done and how fast they get done. to not have to worry about being so clean and perfect and exact at every moment about little tiny things!
i can breathe now. and i can dance at 6:30 am with Lady Gaga blaring while the ladies dress themselves. no more tippy-toeing around and no more shhh's! and no more my dressing the ladies because it was faster and they looked neater.

so if i'm not on here blogging it may just be because i'm happy! and happy diva doesn't know how to internalize happy and change it into sad because what sane person would do that?? diva only knows how to internalize sadness and change it into cynical & happy because that was easier than admitting i was just sad.

so. i'm here. and i'm happy. and i'm going to get back to my regularly scheduled blogging...because i now have stuff to talk about since i'm actually DOING stuff!