My photo
i laugh too loud. i sing all the time. i cry easily. i've been told i have the oddest sense of humor. ever. yes, i'm the one in the movies laughing when no one else gets it. the only time i dance is for my kids. they love my "rubber dance!" remember in school when you use to shake your pencils til they looked all bendy and rubbery? yeah, it's like that! ha! i stay up late and wake up early. i see a therapist who helps keep me straight and making good decisions. i do not speak to my mother and think this is great! I am moody, opinionated, emotional, intelligent, and empathetic. i love all things girly but mostly shoes, and have a bizarre infatuation with the following: lady gaga, celine dion, stacy london, britney spears. (how the heck does that even make sense?!) oh yeah and i am addicted to my iPhone.


katy interviewed me: [ps: go check it outttt!]

Friday, December 11, 2009

scars remind us where we've been...

in the movie forrest gump, there's a quote in there that goes like this:

forrest: momma always says there's an awful lot you could tell about a person by their shoes. where they're going. where they've been. i've worn lots of shoes. i bet if I think about it real hard i could remember my first pair of shoes.

scars are harder to read than shoes. with shoes, you can tell a hooker from a business woman. a librarian from a track runner. a soccer player from an artist. you can label people from their shoes. but strip them down, and we are all the same.

i get along with most people i meet. but there are some who don't like me. i don't know why. i don't understand why. and it bugs me to death if someone doesn't like me. i think i'm the nicest person in the world. i would do anything for anyone if i thought it would make that person smile. a lot of people perceive my kindness for weakness. people underestimate me constantly.

someone told me the other day that they thought i was a snob because of how i acted when i first met them like 9 years ago. i use to be extremely shy in first meetings. i'd try to act nonchalant, play with my hair, look anywhere but at the person i'm meeting. seeing me now, no one would imagine that i was shy in any setting. now, i walk right up and introduce myself. i do silly things and talk about random shit.

i wasn't just shy. i had scars. scars that berated me with "you shouldn't be here" and "you don't belong here this is wrong" and "all men want is one thing" and "this is an abomination" and countless other no-no's that were instilled in me growing up. scars that made me afraid to speak out or speak up or to be myself. scars that riddled me with so little self esteem that i was terrified to be ignored, laughed at, or thought as odd. the funny thing is, i actually think my oddity now is a trademark.

with scars, you can't have preconceived notions. you can't have assumptions. you have to jump in and put away your pride and you have to get to know that person so that maybe you can understand them, where they are coming from, where they've been, and where they are going.

so the next time you see someone and they rub you the wrong way, or you think wow, that's kinda...hmmm...they're weird i don't think i like them,

put away the snobbery. put away the ridicule you feel. take a closer look. and retrace your steps, take their hand and say, hello. everyone has something going on. you never know who just lost a sibling, parent, lover, or child. you can't tell loss or heartbreak or disappointment by shoes.

but by scars you can find out a story. just a few of my stories:

scar #1:
where: knee
story: i was teaching my little brother how to ride a bike. we lived in a 3 bedroom section 8 apartment home at the top of a hill in the projects in fairfax, alabama. he ran into me as i let go of the bike because he got scared and turned the wheel. the spoke was tattered and jagged and ripped my knee open.
i do not have any communication with my brother any more. the things that occurred over this past summer sealed that up and i put it on the shelf to maybe open at a much later date. but i still have this story. and this story tells the tale of a once very close brother and sister.

scar #2:
where: chin
story: i was living in the above mentioned projects and i wanted a bike REALLY bad. my brother had just learned to ride my old one and my parents were poor so that meant i had to do without. (normal) so i wanted to ride my friend's brother's bike. my dad said no, because he didn't have the money to replace it if i broke it and also, this friend's brother was a teenager and his bike had no brakes. hahaha. see where this is going? so i rode it anyway and thought i was hot stuff popping wheelies over the speed mountains until i hit this one going too fast and it threw me off the bike.
i flew across the speed mountain and landed on my stomach on some old woman's driveway. and i remember thinking wow, that was close! and then the next thing i knew my head was smashed into the concrete, chin down and i busted my chin open. the bike had flown into the air and came down right on my head.
my mother said i was being dramatic and that i could walk home when the old lady called her to come get me. she said i was a drama queen and it was just a scratch and she didn't want to miss her "General Hospital." i ended up getting 72 stitches. and i still have the scar. it taught me: never get overly confident &  don't trust my mother to love anything or anyone except herself.

scar #3
where: can't see it.
story: when i was 6 years old, i was awakened by my sister who was 13. she told me that she loved me and gave me her crimping iron (i'd been gawking at it since she bought it) and that if she could take me with her, she would. i did not see her again until i was 16. and then not again until i was 21. @ the age of 22, i found out some stuff that my mother had been lying about and i called my sister up and talked to her. now, my sister and i are pretty close. it has taken 6 long agonizing years of tearing away that scar tissue to repair 15 years worth of damage to our sister-relationship. but those 6 years have been worth it.

scar #4
where: lower back & sides
story: i have riddles of scars on my lower back and sides from my ex husband. he got mad enough to where he actually threw me through a double window-paned sliding glass door. i went through it. shattered both panes. flipped over the couch on the balconey. this was the incident that sent myself & lady o into the er. i was pregnant with lady n. and i never went back.

soooo idk where or why this post came out of me today. but maybe another day, i'll share some more scars. and when i do, you'll have some insights into ms. diva. that may or may not change your thoughts about me.

ps: i have decided to change my pattern with men. the next one will not be a woman beating fool. LOL

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

random thoughts tuesday

       brought to you by the unmom.
with a slight twist from moi by adding in a timer.
 because to me, random thoughts are refreshing when you don't know what imma be sayin' next!

you know the drill. i rock. timer is set to 60 seconds. lets see what i can get outta my brain now!

you must check out my girl's site. she's new so she needs encouragement. go now. yes. NOW. i did not stutter!

i miss my emotional twinkie. she needs to hurrythehellup and come home before i go into permanent withdrawals. =(

really want pizza but will settle for subway.

hearing babies laughing makes me laugh too. contagious much?

i am super duper happy with my life right now.

i want the ex to stop e mailing me. especially @ midnight. i don't need that shit.

i want a dyson for christmas. i could love vacuuming, right?

reeses pb cups are now made with nuts and pecans in them.

can i say heaaavenlyyyyyyyy without sounding like pb cups is code for "i got laid last night?" hahahahaaaaa no? allright. fine. *pout*

some babies are NOT pretty when first born. why is it not okay to state this when asked? what am i supposed to do? LIE?

what possessed lady gaga to have beyonce sing with her? i mean was she sitting at the studio somewhere jammin to a beat and thought "wow, i know exactly what this song needs....beyonce-tude!" and poof...telephone was born?

and was that beyonce in that song or was it sasha fierce? because i'm totally confused now. hmmm

read on my other girl's site comments that adam lambert is trying to be a total boy britney. yanno what?

i totally agree! hilarity!
i can so hear him (adam lambert) singing "i'm miss american dream since i was seventeen...do YOU wanna piece of me!?"

no, adam. i do NOT want a piece of you. and ps. the cover of your album looks like PINK in DRAG!

good for him, bad for her? unsure.

did i seriously use 45 seconds on adam lambert? what's wrong with mi cabeza??? i don't think i spent 2 seconds on AI listening to him sing?

crap. time to feed the kids. and the dinger's about to ding. yeah right about....

i want your psycho, your vertigo schtick...

stefani aka "lady gaga"

the first time i heard lady gaga was wayyyy early last year [maybe even late the year before?] i don't remember! lol.

i wanted to fight it. i wanted to hate her. she was so skinny, so tall, so blonde, so unlike anything i had ever heard or seen before. a friend of mine's father has a "connection" with the releases of new artists/films, etc and she got a pre-released demo of the first few songs lady gaga was to be releasing. [yes, i'm bragging, no i don't feel bad about it! lol]

but i didn't hate her. i LOVED her. i adored her pop-py tune and the oddity of her voice, her style. and she hasn't disappointed with her videos either! [btw, for you true blood fans, eric, the vampire sheriff, plays as her lover in the video paparazzi! he is soooo handsome! and how lucky for gaga! she got to kiss him! even though he did shove her off the balconey. bad eric! bad bad eric!]

so omw back from texas the other night, i bought her "the fame monster" album because i mean, i hadn't gotten it yet & i really really really wanted to have the song at my house! [the ex took the computer with the iTunes on it, (his computer so it's all good) and i wasn't able to copy to cd. so i can't plug up my iPod to add new music or i lose all 4.5 days i already have stored on it. booooo!]

of course bad romance is the hit on this particular release but the song i am addicted to is actually "alejandro" i don't know why,  but it has an addicting beat. i'm not too crazy about her speechless song (too slow) and i thought telephone was pretty awesome til beyonce starting singing. so....

here's my fav song of hers, no video yet but i'm sitting on the edge of my seat waiting!

i watched her on fuse last night and she has a pretty awesome aura about her. she also explained a lot of her songs on there and her reasonings behind her work. i was completely into it. don't ask me why. it's kinda weird for me to be this gaga over an artist (i don't know if that pun was intended yet or not...lol) she said bad romance's lyrics had to do with alfred hitchcock movies because she is a huge fan of his...

i want your psycho
your vertigo schtick
want you in my rear window
when your baby is sick (referenced to rosemary's baby)

and i honestly don't know why i have devoted this entire post to lady gaga, but i am definitely a huge gaga fan. and i heard that when she sang monster in boston, she opened up singing "boston ate my heart..." instead of "he ate my heart" and i don't know why i think that is awesometastic, [maybe cause i was just there? idk] but i do so whatev!

lol now that you think im completely insane, just go listen to alejandro if you can. it's catchy. seriously.

Monday, December 07, 2009

i didn't....

Are you feeling guilty for using hand soap as body wash in the tub because grocery shopping is long overdue? Overcome with shame because raised your voice at your kids outside church yesterday and you're pretty sure the pastor overheard you? Well don't be! Not Me! Monday was born out of MckMama's desire to admit some of her imperfections and reveal a few moments she'd rather forget.

So I decided to join in and hide my mortification behind humor and sarcasm. =)
  • do 12 (more like 8) loads of laundry ALL DAY on friday just so we had clothes to take on our trip. we didn't take that many with us, but i didn't decide to wash everything(!) in the house so that i could pick and choose whatever i wanted. nooo way! not this chica!
  • leave @ 3 am to head to tyler, tx with friend mels & the ladies in tow (on 0 hours of sleep. ha!) thankfully the ladies slept through the whole "let's not miss the 271 s exit and continue straight through to idabel, ok!" (which i totally knew where that was at so there was no fear that i wasn't going to get out of ok at all!)
  • take the convenience store lady's advice when she said "now you go down 'bout fourth a miles that-a-ways, an' ya take yerself a right. an' ya git yerself on that 30 wayest innerstate. and ya drive til ya see tha exit that says "tyla" and ya take 'at all da way ta tyla. butchu gonna be drivin awhile now, k? an' dats all i knows." yeah, i totally didn't do that. nope. not me. (c'mon! there was NO ONE around for miles! what else was i gonna do!?)
  • survive on rockstars & white cheddar popcorn *shakes head fervently* until 30 w clearly indicated that i was no longer heading in "tyla" direction because *gasp* there's totally a tyla exit! and in retrospect...i knew that cuz tyler is south and 30 was taking me, well, west. yeah. west.
  • do the exact same thing coming home. but this time it wasn't because i couldn't find my exit. it was cuz i had 2 calls back to back and well, i was ON the turnpike heading towards tulsa and omgoshies for some reason got off of it @ henryetta to head to okc? was i drunk? sure i wasn't!!
in all seriousness though, i went to tex-ass this weekend. i adore texas. i wished i had gone to dallas but you know what? things happen for a reason. and i'd have spent too much money doing or buying too many things that i really didn't need (but it would have felt soooo good! how naughty is that!?)
we headed out to tyler texas to visit my friend misty. she and i go wayyyy back and she has lived there for awhile but just never made it out to see her. when she found out she was moving to alabama, i figured i better get my butt out there to see her before she left. tyler tx, i could do. odenville, al might be a little too far to go. =)
we stayed on a ranch, and my children quickly found out what it's like to have nothing to do. they hated it. i hated it because they turned into insane monsters who wanted to do something but either there was nothing to do, or it was raining. fun fun! at least now they can appreciate what they have here at the house more. i hope.

im also excited for wednesday. i get to see an old friend for dinner! yay me! i get some adult conversation! woooooot!

ok...so i will have pics as soon as i can find my cord. and i have a bedroom full of laundry that needs to be put away. =) so until later...ciao!

Friday, December 04, 2009

i suppose i should blog now, eh?

i bet you think i died.
or went on a month long sleeping binge.
or perhaps i decided to wallow around in my own self pity and forget about my lovely blog readers.
or i'm blogging on the protected site, detoxing diva.

well i've done none of those.

ok ok i did go on a laying around the house in my new pink robe

(that i bought myself for my birthday) and off and on sleeping for 1 weekend (my birthday weekend) because of some things that had gone on but you know what?

i deserved it.

i deserved it because i work hard, no matter what anyone else thinks.
because i'm a good mom and a working mother is the busiest person there is if she does it right and even busier when she doesn't!
because i've spent my life doing for others and giving and doing and it was about time i did something for me.

so here i sit, letting you know that i'm not dead. or wallowing. or sleeping. or cheat-blogging @ the closed site.

guess what i AM doing?

i am:
being a better mother
being a better worker
being more positive about myself
being active (wow 10 lbs already are you kidding me?) even though it's more like umm yeah having trouble eating...
taking care of ME. (Jax, totally took your suggestions, & you are rocktastic, woman! Thanks chica!)
writing. as in, writing again. not blogging. but writing. it is wonderful.
i'm busy! but a GOOD busy. i'm not exhaustifyingly trying to get some emotion in or out of someone who just wasn't into being emotional on any scale. i'm cleaning and going to the park and getting out with other mothers and their children (loveeee me some becks!) and am helping the girls with their homework and just basically doing all the things i'm supposed to be doing but it just feels like there's this huge heavy burden lifted right off of my shoulders and i'm unsure of what that means exactly at this moment in time but i do know that it feels GREAT!

it is so refreshing to not have to worry about what time the dishes are done and how fast they get done. to not have to worry about being so clean and perfect and exact at every moment about little tiny things!
i can breathe now. and i can dance at 6:30 am with Lady Gaga blaring while the ladies dress themselves. no more tippy-toeing around and no more shhh's! and no more my dressing the ladies because it was faster and they looked neater.

so if i'm not on here blogging it may just be because i'm happy! and happy diva doesn't know how to internalize happy and change it into sad because what sane person would do that?? diva only knows how to internalize sadness and change it into cynical & happy because that was easier than admitting i was just sad.

so. i'm here. and i'm happy. and i'm going to get back to my regularly scheduled blogging...because i now have stuff to talk about since i'm actually DOING stuff!


Monday, November 23, 2009

new moonage & the 2-9.

dinner @ napoli's
movie @ cinemark
friday night was pretty awesome for a few short hours. before the imploding texts from THE EX started.

officially entered the death year...

this might be a downer post. i just can't seem to snap out of it. and people aren't used to seeing me like this so it's a constant parade of "are you suuure you're okay?" and "what's wrong hun??"
so i posted on my facebook i was dancing around.

lie. geezus. i  lied in a facebook status. wanna know why? k, i'll tell you.
because apparently i'm not allowed to be sad.
or mad.
or upset.
or down.
or for crying out loud a little bit blue!
shouldn't a person be able to put a sad face on their status without having to display details to the world? i mean i guess i could just solve the whole issue and post this:

"is thinking that life is no longer worth living. i cannot stand this eternal darkness any longer! i'm bawling like a baby on my bed with the TV & the iPod blaring and still i feel so fucking cold and sad and moody!"  as opposed to this:


but then come on. shouldn't i be allowed to post a sad face? and the latter...well that's just melodramatic and  begging someone to comment. it's not that i don't LIKE people's commentating. it's more like...dude, text me if you have a question. or just leave it alone.

facebook should have an option on whether or not comments can be posted to a status message. JUST.SAYIN.

and why aren't i allowed to post my grievances??
because i'm diva, the chica that lives up to her name and is happy go lucky and nothing ever bothers her.
this is probably where the whole "you've been happy all your life" comes in to play.
i always thought i was an open book. i prided myself on how open and trusting i was with people. until i look at myself now and i see that all i have ever done in life is hide and lie about who i really am. i have always portrayed myself to be this happy person but if you all really truly knew what it was to live my childhood...

my birthday was this weekend. i have officially entered the death year. the last and final year of my 20's and i sit back and don't understand how did i get here so fast? i still feel 20! i still feel like i have all this time left before i'm 30 and um helllooo people i don't!

my goal for next year is to go to new york. take a gf with me. party like a friggin rock star and get punk ass drunk. yes. i think that should be fun.

awards: love lady gaga.
adam lambert is super creepy. that wasn't even sexy...it was more like...awkwardly snuff film worthy without the snuffing but should have been snuffed.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009


i promised since last week was about lady n that this week would be about lady o. she is handling things well although her temperment gets the best of her sometimes but doesn't that happen to all of us?

she is in a new classroom as of last week and is doing MUCH better in her schoolwork. she did get diagnosed with ADHD 2 weeks ago and am working towards getting her on some meds to help her focus.

lady o after her cochlear implant surgery
15 months old. 11.03

lady o for school pics.

almost 2 weeks.

friends are lovely.

since sir g and i split, i have had friends crawling out of the woodworks like crazy. i didn't realize just how cut off from friends & the world i was until now. people i thought had forgotten about me or just plain didn't care are kind of coming in from all directions. i think this is wonderful. they are helping so much, i am barely having to do anything for myself.

the girls are immeasureably calm. i have had my head butting with lady o and her rage fest has only erupted twice and both times were very brief. [thank you jesus!]

i am having a hard time sleeping. i go to bed but can't fall asleep and i've tried everything under the sun. but on the upside, i have had NO panic attacks. the familiar warning signs do pop up if the house is quiet and i hear a sound. i freeze and wonder is he looking in the windows? is he watching across the street? my therapist says this is very normal and it should last a week or so more before it gets better. i can't wait for it to get better.

i do not miss him. i don't even miss just the "being here" part. last night the girls and i spread blankets out on the livingroom floor and ate pizza and watched inspector gadget and afterwards they took baths [started their own water & everything!] and even put themselves to bed @ 8 pm [they are allowed to watch cartoons until 8:30] with no problems. sure we came close to a few spills but isn't that what the blankets/towels were for?

so i keep waking up mega late. and this sucks. grrr i hate sleeping. i miss out on so much but i suppose missing out on stuff at night is better than the girls missing the bus, sleep just needs to come. i have something on my mind on top of everything else and it's consumming wayyyy too much of my thoughts. i have to either get with it or move on from it. grrrrrrrr.

i think that is all for now. =) have a great day!


Friday, November 13, 2009

diva is detoxing!

my therapist has suggested that i detox my mind and body from the last 2 years of abuse that i have been experiencing. since this is an open blog, and i like the airy nature of it, i have decided to move all future "purging posts" to a separate blog: detoxing diva.

if you are interested in viewing that one, you are more than welcome to e mail me here and request to read. i will not be offended if you choose not to. i understand that alot of what i will be writing in that blog will be difficult for you to read just as much as it will be for me to write it. and i definitely understand that there are so many blogs out there to read. just wanted you all to know that it is available if you're interested.

i don't know how often i will write in there. my therapist would probably suggest once a day if i can't handle my thoughts, or more than likely a "whenever i feel like purging". the only problem with that is, i stuff everything and she *thinks* i need to stop stuffing which is why she would probably suggest once a day to take a moment and just purge.

i will still have this blog. and i want to do great things with it! thank you all for your reading, your time, and your support!!!

ps: i am going to try to respond to all comments (if i can) so bare with me. I have set up this mobile stuff so that when i get my alerts, i can try to respond immediately! this will help me to keep in touch with my readers because i know i love it when my comment is recognized!! =)

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

to my readers:

first & foremost i would like to thank each and every one of you who has commented on my last few posts. i have been through this before, and stupidly and blindly ended up in it again. we all want to believe the best out of people, but when push comes to shove, past behavior predicts future behavior and better safe than sorry.
i think i shall be swearing off men in my future. i don't know for how long. as long as it takes for the ladies & i to heal and move forward as mother & daughters with healthy perspectives and healthy approaches to the daily tasks that lay before us.

your comments really mean a lot to me. i really was afraid that i would feel so alone, but i haven't. many friends i wasn't even aware that cared as much as they do are stepping up and saying "how can i help you" and "what is it that you need?" that is a great feeling. especially for me, a girl with no immediate family in 1000 mile radius. sure i have an aunt that i'm not particularly close to in kansas city but she's lived there for 3 years and this is the first time i went to visit her.

there were only a small handful of people that knew what was going on. up until last week, only 2 people in my life knew details and they only found out within the last few weeks. i have known for quite some time that i could not continue this life with sir g. oh how i wanted to! i wanted to buy a house, get him his truck, his equipment, and have another child or 2. and i wanted to do that with him. but people are incomprehensible at times and emotions are toyed with and perspectives are changed and then at some point someone had to step back and say whoa. rewind! when did this happen?! how did i not realize this was going on!? 
every moment i spend without him is another moment that reaffirms to me that my decision was the best decision for myself & my girls. every day that has passed is another day without worry or fear. i have gone from a minimum of 4 panic attacks a day to none at all.

  • to a special friend: your daily encouragement and your friendship means so much to me. you are unaware of how many times i was hurt, crying, devastated, or hiding in my closet when you messaged me and took me out of my pain. you and your incessant IM's helped me to get through some of the roughest days with sir g that i have ever had. you will never be able to understand how much i clung to our friendship because most days, it was all i really had. so thank you. from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much!
  • to the unexpected ally @ 1 am while on my way to kansas city: you showed up out of the blue in my inbox on a day where i wasn't even sure if i wanted to respond to you. but that is my expertise and i love being a know it all and i knew you needed support and i needed something to be involved in so i could get my failing relationship out of my head. and an extraordinary thing happened! this beautiful, wonderful woman ended up being more to me in that particular time of need than i could have ever imagined. thank you for showing up. you reaffirmed to me that i did have people out there that thought about me and cared about me even though i didn't know it.


lady n has been on my mind today because she is the one who is taking this break up the easiest. i don't fully understand this, because she was sir g's bug, his little girl, his love. and she was crazy about him. she is happy and has told me many times that she is excited and glad that we aren't going to be continuing in a house always in an uproar with showers, bedtimes, and eating.

so my WBW today is going to be lady n. her birthday is in less than a month anyway, and next week i'll go find some old pics of lady o and do the same thing. =)

lady n 12.05

lady n 11.09

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

life continues doesn't it?

nothing can describe how i feel other than sadness & relief at the same time. i do not know when he changed, i do not know when i changed. i do not know anything at the moment except to get through this day and then get through this night and then get through the next day.
this am i was flipping through my dvr. i saw a show that was recorded last night and was about to hit "play" when i thought "sir g loves this show. i'll wait til he gets home to watch it!" and my excitement was immediately lost when i realized that he's not coming home tonight. he's not coming home ever.
this is my home now. myself & my girls. no more fear of criticism. no more fear of rejection. no more fear of being controlled.
do not get me wrong. i am not on here telling you this to bad mouth sir g. i truely did [and still do] love him. but neither of us was healthy together. we were not compatible on so many levels. who knew that the arguments would go too far? who knew that the buttons would be pushed so many times that it wore away the outsides?
i have had a few people ask me, "how can you still love him!? after all he put you through, how can you still love him and not be pissed at him?"
my answer is this:
i still love him because 6 years is a long time to make memories. some are bad, but some are good. and i have to find that happy medium so that i remind myself of why i asked him to leave but am still able to miss him and love him despite the fact that i asked him to leave.
i am not pissed because what would that accomplish? how often do we hold grudges? hold on to past hurts? where does it take us? no where. i don't want to be no where. i want to be healthy and able to teach my kids the important things in life.

in 10 years no one will remember:
how good i was at my job.
how many hours i worked overtime.
the sacrifices i made.
the hurts that i incurred.

in 10 years though, everyone will remember:
what kind of a parent i was.
what my children were like before this life-altering change.
what my children are like after this life-altering change.

sure, i live for my job and i am always readily excited about what i do. i'm incredibly superior in anything i put my mind to. but i just don't give a rat's ass anymore about what people think. life is too short to worry if they are going to awknowledge me in Macy's because I have a designer handbag or not. [i mean, i do have one, but sheesh, that's harsh!] life is too fun to live in a constant state of paranoia and even though most things that happen are preventable, being tunnelvisioned to the point where you miss everything else outside your spectrum of paranoia, can be the foundation for a life full of fear and that's just not the way i want my girls to learn how to live their lives.

so this weekend, whilst sir g was moving out, i was in kansas city, missouri visiting relatives. we formed a "let's talk bad about and make fun of [my mother's name] club" because she did the same thing to her sisters and mother that she's done to me only they are all old so it was like, centuries ago. it was laid back and fun and i really seriously thought i never wanted it to end. i also love the scarf that i am wearing in this pic. i purchased it at old navy before leaving and think it matched my shirt perfectly! i am loving scarves. why did this never occur to me before?

[From top to bottom, left to right: Aunt D, Grandmere, Diva, Aunt T, Lady N, Lady O.]

after we left aunt d's house, the girls wanted to go swimming at the hotel pool. since i didn't have a bathing suit, i went searching for one. impossible. so omw back to the hotel, i passed a jcpenney and stopped in to see what they miiiiiiiiiiiiight have.
nothing. bastards. but swimsuits are made from lycra and all that shizzz right? so i bought this superrrrcuuuuute work out outfit. yes people. it's cuuuuuuuuuute.

i totally would have worn this in the pool too, but when we got back to the hotel, the pool was out of order. again, bastards!
on our way back to the car, the girls saw these light poles and wanted to pull a "jackie on rodeo drive" so I allowed them and then texted the pics to jackie. sweet girl, even though she was in dallas having a blast, she still sent my girls a "loooove it!" text back and they were excited! (thank you jackie, you made their day!)

sunday we met up with my friend laura from high school. sweet sweet girl. and her husband evan is awesome. he was great with the girls and we ate some awesome bar-b-que at this place called BB's [it was the best barbeque ever.] and we all ordered whatever so we could chow-down all family style. mmmmmm. yummmay! then afterwards we went to the kansas city zoo and explored as much as we could. i'm thinking another trip just to do the zoo is in order in the next few months.

[playing tic tac toe.]

Kansas City Zoo:

while we were at the restaraunt, lady n accidently spilled her drink. yes, she was being wiggly. yes, she was moving around, and yes, if we'd hurried up to eat our food instead of sitting around watching the KC/Jag game [gooooo jags!] then she probably wouldn't have gotten so antsy of being in the same place for over an hour. but when she spilled it she went crazy with crying & apologizing and hid under the table. because with sir g, if you spilled a cup of anything you were in trouble. like get lectured, taken to the bathroom spanked trouble.
i calmed her down and i said "lady n, it's okay. we got napkins and we cleaned it up. accidents happen..." she cried and said "noooo, daddy says accidents are inventable! [preventable]" and looked at me like i'd lost my damn mind.

*sigh* i have a lot of re-teaching to do.

Monday, November 09, 2009

because it's time.

i am typing today as a new person. or, working on becoming a new person. i just took a huge step towards becoming healthy. some friends that i have helped in that, and i thank those few people if they read this. they know who they are. and what they did for me. and in this emotional turmoil, i sit and wonder where do i go from here?
i'll tell you where:
i will teach my ladies
  • that it is OK to spill a drink. because not all accidents are preventable. and accidents do happen. and it's okay. it's what we do with those accidents and how we handle them that's important.
  • that it is NOT OK to let a man hit you. beat you. break you. criticize you. so that they do not make the same mistake that i made twice over. so that they don't have to feel beaten down in every way by someone that is supposed to love you.
  • that even though some people use sorry in the wrong way, that not every sorry is robotic and sarcastic. that they are allowed to forgive people and be okay with just accepting the apology for what it is.
  • to be strong women. who stand up for what they believe in and don't let anyone tell them that they aren't good enough or smart enough to accomplish their dreams.
  • to be compassionate and open to other's beliefs even if it means putting their own on the backburner to just hear what other people are saying.
this new road is going to be very odd. i have not been single in many many years. this is new territory for me. but i will survive it. i will make it. and i will embrace this freedom with everything i have.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

my hump day dump

screw it. i'm dumping today.
i tried to write a post for not me monday. and i tried to write a post for random tuesday thoughts. even got out the timer.

no such luck.

i have had a sore week. my heart is sore. my head is sore. my mind is sore. i got a friend in trouble on accident. i have some stuff going on that i can't talk about yet because i don't know what's going to happen. and then yesterday i find out that lady o's teacher is verbally and emotionally abusing her and you know what?

that shit does not fly with me.

so now i'm in the process of trying to get her moved to another classroom but the freaking principal isn't in the office today so she has to make do in a classroom where she DOESN'T feel safe or accepted and what does that say about me?! sending her to school to be screamed and yelled at simply because she isn't like other kids.

lady o can't fall behind. she can't get back on track in a normal amount of time. i didn't spend the last 7 years of her life doing massive auditory verbal therapy and make good use out of her implants so that she could be smacked down from some stuck in the same grade teaching the same shit to the same age of kids teacher. when she started school this year she was confident and she held her head high. she was full of so much vibrance. this last month has taken it's toll on her and her grades.

is lady o high maintenance? yes she is.
is that her fault? no, it's not.
should she be punished for that? HELL to he N-O!

Friday, October 30, 2009

blog awards! yay!

still with the orange. yes. i am.

so i got some blog awards last week. 2 amazing women! 2 amazing bloggers! 1 of them is a mirror of my southern persona. the other is a great long distance friend who still needs an update on my summer excursion as soon as i get the go ahead to be public with it! LOL

presented me with these awesome blog awards [will be posted on side roll shortly!]:

Thank you soooooo much to Sweet Southern Mama!! I just love your blog! If you ladies have never read SSM's blog, you should definitely stop by and say heyyyy!! I promise you will keep going back!

so here are the rules for this award...

You Can Only Use One Word!

Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers!

Alert them that you have given them this award!

Have fun!

1. Where is your cell phone? hand.
2. Your hair? thick.
3. Your mother? ________.
4. Your father? ________.
5. Your favorite food? hummus.
6. Your dream last night? insomniac.
7. Your favorite drink? rootbeer.
8. Your dream/goal? writer.
9. What room are you in? livingroom.
10. Your hobby? yakkin.
11. Your fear? slime.
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? famous.
13. Where were you last night? therapy.
14. Something that you aren’t? skinny.
15. Muffins? banana.
16. Wish list item? truck.
17. Where did you grow up? everywhere.
18. Last thing you did? text.
19. What are you wearing? scarves.
20. Your TV? vampire.
21. Your pets? none.
22. Friends? distant.
23. Your life? busier.
24. Your mood? amorous.
25. Missing someone? grandmother.
26. Vehicle? ford.
27. Something you’re not wearing? rings.
28. Your favorite store? lots.
29. Your favorite color? pink.
30. When was the last time you laughed? today.
31. Last time you cried? today.
32. Your best friend? kellster.
33. One place that I go to over and over? walmart.
34. One person who emails me regularly? tracy.
35. Favorite place to eat? el vecchio

6 Favorite Bloggers:

Thank you Stacia for the Your Blog is Fabulous award!!! Stacia is the best mom ever! And the best sleuth ever! Please follow her to the Can of Whoop-Ass aisle! She will be needing lots of it!! There you will find out how she was robbed, found the robber, and is in the process of bringing their stank ass to justice!

The rules for this one are simple; just share five things you are obsessed with, and then pass the award on to five of the most fabulous blogs you read!

  1. My Blackberry. Ahem. Must I remind you people that they don't call it "crackberry" because it's a witty name. Everything goes to the palm of my hand. Seriously, i have anything and everything I ever wanted at my fingertips 24/7. I wanna read...click click swoosh. I wanna laugh...click click swoosh. I wanna annoy my friends at 2 am?...click click swoosh! I need to e mail a client? clickity clack send! I need to find out how to get from A to B? Mapfrigginquest. On the road. Saaaaaweet! Can't beat the blackberry. Simply can't. Ack!!!
  2. Old Navy. Especially their scarves. A little looong, but hey, I'm super-de-duper short so...Yes people. This tomboy turned girly girl is completely obsessed with Old Navy. When the hell did this happen? I have no friggin clue. I blame kelli. she's the one who started it.
  3. Blogger. even when i'm not writing, i'm reading it. all the time. On my computer, on my bb, everywhere. =) You guys are soooooo special!
  4. Babies. Omg. I loooooove babies. I just want to hold them and crush them and smell them! I'm so excited that so many of my friends have babies! [This may change as an obsession once I get my fill. just an fyi...teehee!]
  5. Prime Time Television. Need I say more?? I think not.    

Okay, blog peeps!! I get to tag five of you fabulous bloggers!

aloha friday

still orange for yaya! =) man i'm really plugging her this week!!! =)

i found out about this at blueviolet's page and she got it from an island life. i thought it was interesting so i decided to do it! =)

blueviolet's question:
What was one of your favorite art projects that you remember making in school? Maybe you or your parents still have it?!

my answer:
i made my momo a terra cotta merry christmas platter [for cookies for santa of course!] in 1994. i found it in a box after she passed and decided to do one for my oldest daughter, lady o in 2002! i think i did one for lady n too, but i cannot find it! ack!

an island life's question:
What was the last thing that you splurged on?

my answer:
old navy scarf & 2 shirts. omg. don't tell sir g!! LOL

my question for all of you:
What is the funniest thing that someone said to you today?

my friend laura sent me her address. she lives out of state and i am visiting a relative there in the coming months. i wanted to visit her as well since i haven't seen her in a long long time! at the end of her email she types:
"here's my address, bells! but we're going on a camping trip this weekend so don't rob us while we're gone! love from both of us, e&l"
i had to laugh. just like laura to say some shit like that!

this will probably be a long post.

there are many many things i haven't done this week. daily blogging is one of them. i know this sounds horrible, but i was still under the impression that the interview i did on yaya [notice the orange?...yes for her! lol!!] still had to be done by wednesday, otherwise i'd have never taken the moment to post it! and random tuesday was too good a post to miss out on!

last friday was a  horrible day. i woke up late, tried to be ok, and honestly for the first time in whenever i fought falling asleep during my morning routine. thank goodness i have a long lunch break. around 2:30 i took some vitamin c and all seemed right with the world again. at least on the outside. on the inside, my heart was breaking. all.day.long. thank you extends to kelli, for being there for me all day the day before and all day friday because lord knows i was not my normal self those 2 days.

7 years ago friday, my beloved grandmother ["momo"] passed. she was a delightful woman with eyes that filled to the brim with love, patience, & kindness. she was my rock all those years when i felt like such an outsider in my own family. her death hit me hard and even though people say time heals all wounds, i don't believe that is entirely true. yes, the pain lessens [or does it?] or becomes numb, but the wound is never completely healed.

momo & lady o 2002
i pass her photos that line my hallway and i remember her so clearly like she was just here and sometimes i smile a bittersweet smile as memories flood my mind and sometimes i tear up. sometimes i have to take the pictures down. sometimes i have to turn them around just for that moment so that when i pass by again, i won't be tempted to stand there in a nostalgia that seems to encompass my entire existence.

amazing tidbits about momo:

  • she fought breast cancer 3 separate times - and won. she lost both her breasts during the battle and spent the remainder of her life with a mastectomy bra.

  • she endured a mean head case of a man for years, even throughout her illness.

  • she made an awesome batch of homemade biscuits of which i still have trouble replicating. sometimes i get it allllmost right and other times i'm totally off course.

  • she loved romance novels. and fabio. it was hilarious how in love with fabio my dear sweet momo was.

  • she was a diabetic and gave herself shots daily. when i was younger, she taught me how to give her the shots and remember being horrified at causing her any type of pain or discomfort. even one she was accustomed to.

  • she was selfless.

  • she loved me endlessly. even though i am not her biological granddaughter, she had that look in her eye for me that said without a doubt that the word biological never even needed a reference. it didn't matter to her.

  • she let me bang on her piano [i play by ear, can't read notes for anything!] for as long as i needed to! usually i'd catch her turning her hearing aids wayyyy down yet still holler out every couple of moments "keep up the good work bella!" "sounds great, belle!" or some variation.

  • she was super supportive. whether your decision was good or not, she supported you. all that mattered to her was that you were happy doing what you were doing and she needed to know nothing more than that.

  • she read all the time. any books she happened upon that had the name "anna" in it [papa's mistress] she would cross out with a marker. every time she read the name. when she was done reading it, she'd burn the book. but she didn't burn the book that she was reading when she found out about papa & anna. it sat on her shelf with many scratched out pages.
Natalie laying roses...
lady n @ momo's gravesite. 2006.

dear momo~
i remember every drive we ever took to your house. it makes me cry that they tore it down. changed the numbers on it, renamed the street. i drove by a few years ago and had to go strictly on memory and even then second guessed myself until i finally recognized the old shed wayyyy in the woods in the back. i drove by time after time, looking for a glimpse of what once was. and my heart sank. there was none.
when you were sick, and i wasn't allowed to see you, i thought i was going to burst with missing you so badly! then when you got home and we were allowed to see you, i was shocked and horrified when i saw that you had a "fake boob" and couldn't figure out what that jagged, pinkish-red line was across the left side of your chest.
i'm sorry i never came up there and saved you from the moochers that set up their living quarters in your guest bedroom. that i never stopped papa from breaking your containers that housed all of the perfect sand dollars we spent countless hours [and years] searching for on the beach, hand & hand. i'm sorry that i didn't call more, write more, or run away and come live with you like i wanted to so many times. i'm sorry that i wasn't there when you passed. i heard that you weren't yourself, that you were in pain so intense that you could hardly breathe without crying out and that the morphine dose was so high that you did nothing but sleep.
when you look down on me, are you proud? do you wish that i had gone a different route in life? did you know that i was there a month before you died? did you hear the stories i read to you? the songs i sang to you? did they help you, soothe you, or annoy you? as i sit here and type this, i am in tears because there was so much time taken away. you didn't get to meet lady n, and you didn't get to see the amazing transformation that lady o went through with her surgery, her activation, and her speech expanding month by month.
whenever anyone asks me who made the biggest difference in my life, who is my real-life hero, i will always say YOU. you were the only one who ever made me feel like i belonged, like i mattered, like i was a part of your family. who knew that the only person in my family that would be the biggest love and validation of my life would be you. who knew that you would survive breast cancer 3 times to succumb to colon cancer 5 years later? who knew that even in death, you, a shy quiet girl from alabama, would make an impact.
i miss you every day.
your belle