to my readers:

first & foremost i would like to thank each and every one of you who has commented on my last few posts. i have been through this before, and stupidly and blindly ended up in it again. we all want to believe the best out of people, but when push comes to shove, past behavior predicts future behavior and better safe than sorry.

i think i shall be swearing off men in my future. i don't know for how long. as long as it takes for the ladies & i to heal and move forward as mother & daughters with healthy perspectives and healthy approaches to the daily tasks that lay before us.

your comments really mean a lot to me. i really was afraid that i would feel so alone, but i haven't. many friends i wasn't even aware that cared as much as they do are stepping up and saying "how can i help you" and "what is it that you need?" that is a great feeling. especially for me, a girl with no immediate family in 1000 mile radius. sure i have an aunt that i'm not particularly close to in kansas city but she's lived there for 3 years and this is the first time i went to visit her.

there were only a small handful of people that knew what was going on. up until last week, only 2 people in my life knew details and they only found out within the last few weeks. i have known for quite some time that i could not continue this life with sir g. oh how i wanted to! i wanted to buy a house, get him his truck, his equipment, and have another child or 2. and i wanted to do that with him. but people are incomprehensible at times and emotions are toyed with and perspectives are changed and then at some point someone had to step back and say whoa. rewind! when did this happen?! how did i not realize this was going on!? 

every moment i spend without him is another moment that reaffirms to me that my decision was the best decision for myself & my girls. every day that has passed is another day without worry or fear. i have gone from a minimum of 4 panic attacks a day to none at all.

• to a special friend: your daily encouragement and your friendship means so much to me. you are unaware of how many times i was hurt, crying, devastated, or hiding in my closet when you messaged me and took me out of my pain. you and your incessant IM's helped me to get through some of the roughest days with sir g that i have ever had. you will never be able to understand how much i clung to our friendship because most days, it was all i really had. so thank you. from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much!
• to the unexpected ally @ 1 am while on my way to kansas city: you showed up out of the blue in my inbox on a day where i wasn't even sure if i wanted to respond to you. but that is my expertise and i love being a know it all and i knew you needed support and i needed something to be involved in so i could get my failing relationship out of my head. and an extraordinary thing happened! this beautiful, wonderful woman ended up being more to me in that particular time of need than i could have ever imagined. thank you for showing up. you reaffirmed to me that i did have people out there that thought about me and cared about me even though i didn't know it.

life continues doesn't it?

nothing can describe how i feel other than sadness & relief at the same time. i do not know when he changed, i do not know when i changed. i do not know anything at the moment except to get through this day and then get through this night and then get through the next day.

this am i was flipping through my dvr. i saw a show that was recorded last night and was about to hit "play" when i thought "sir g loves this show. i'll wait til he gets home to watch it!" and my excitement was immediately lost when i realized that he's not coming home tonight. he's not coming home ever.

this is my home now. myself & my girls. no more fear of criticism. no more fear of rejection. no more fear of being controlled.

do not get me wrong. i am not on here telling you this to bad mouth sir g. i truely did [and still do] love him. but neither of us was healthy together. we were not compatible on so many levels. who knew that the arguments would go too far? who knew that the buttons would be pushed so many times that it wore away the outsides?

i have had a few people ask me, "how can you still love him!? after all he put you through, how can you still love him and not be pissed at him?"

my answer is this:
i still love him because 6 years is a long time to make memories. some are bad, but some are good. and i have to find that happy medium so that i remind myself of why i asked him to leave but am still able to miss him and love him despite the fact that i asked him to leave.
i am not pissed because what would that accomplish? how often do we hold grudges? hold on to past hurts? where does it take us? no where. i don't want to be no where. i want to be healthy and able to teach my kids the important things in life.

in 10 years no one will remember:
how good i was at my job.
how many hours i worked overtime.
the sacrifices i made.
the hurts that i incurred.

in 10 years though, everyone will remember:
what kind of a parent i was.
what my children were like before this life-altering change.
what my children are like after this life-altering change.

sure, i live for my job and i am always readily excited about what i do. i'm incredibly superior in anything i put my mind to. but i just don't give a rat's ass anymore about what people think. life is too short to worry if they are going to awknowledge me in Macy's because I have a designer handbag or not. [i mean, i do have one, but sheesh, that's harsh!] life is too fun to live in a constant state of paranoia and even though most things that happen are preventable, being tunnelvisioned to the point where you miss everything else outside your spectrum of paranoia, can be the foundation for a life full of fear and that's just not the way i want my girls to learn how to live their lives.

so this weekend, whilst sir g was moving out, i was in kansas city, missouri visiting relatives. we formed a "let's talk bad about and make fun of [my mother's name] club" because she did the same thing to her sisters and mother that she's done to me only they are all old so it was like, centuries ago. it was laid back and fun and i really seriously thought i never wanted it to end. i also love the scarf that i am wearing in this pic. i purchased it at old navy before leaving and think it matched my shirt perfectly! i am loving scarves. why did this never occur to me before?

[From top to bottom, left to right: Aunt D, Grandmere, Diva, Aunt T, Lady N, Lady O.]

after we left aunt d's house, the girls wanted to go swimming at the hotel pool. since i didn't have a bathing suit, i went searching for one. impossible. so omw back to the hotel, i passed a jcpenney and stopped in to see what they miiiiiiiiiiiiight have.

nothing. bastards. but swimsuits are made from lycra and all that shizzz right? so i bought this superrrrcuuuuute work out outfit. yes people. it's cuuuuuuuuuute.

i totally would have worn this in the pool too, but when we got back to the hotel, the pool was out of order. again, bastards!

on our way back to the car, the girls saw these light poles and wanted to pull a "jackie on rodeo drive" so I allowed them and then texted the pics to jackie. sweet girl, even though she was in dallas having a blast, she still sent my girls a "loooove it!" text back and they were excited! (thank you jackie, you made their day!)

sunday we met up with my friend laura from high school. sweet sweet girl. and her husband evan is awesome. he was great with the girls and we ate some awesome bar-b-que at this place called BB's [it was the best barbeque ever.] and we all ordered whatever so we could chow-down all family style. mmmmmm. yummmay! then afterwards we went to the kansas city zoo and explored as much as we could. i'm thinking another trip just to do the zoo is in order in the next few months.

[playing tic tac toe.]

Kansas City Zoo:

while we were at the restaraunt, lady n accidently spilled her drink. yes, she was being wiggly. yes, she was moving around, and yes, if we'd hurried up to eat our food instead of sitting around watching the KC/Jag game [gooooo jags!] then she probably wouldn't have gotten so antsy of being in the same place for over an hour. but when she spilled it she went crazy with crying & apologizing and hid under the table. because with sir g, if you spilled a cup of anything you were in trouble. like get lectured, taken to the bathroom spanked trouble.

i calmed her down and i said "lady n, it's okay. we got napkins and we cleaned it up. accidents happen..." she cried and said "noooo, daddy says accidents are inventable! [preventable]" and looked at me like i'd lost my damn mind.

*sigh* i have a lot of re-teaching to do.

because it's time.

i am typing today as a new person. or, working on becoming a new person. i just took a huge step towards becoming healthy. some friends that i have helped in that, and i thank those few people if they read this. they know who they are. and what they did for me. and in this emotional turmoil, i sit and wonder where do i go from here?

i'll tell you where:

i will teach my ladies

• that it is OK to spill a drink. because not all accidents are preventable. and accidents do happen. and it's okay. it's what we do with those accidents and how we handle them that's important.
• that it is NOT OK to let a man hit you. beat you. break you. criticize you. so that they do not make the same mistake that i made twice over. so that they don't have to feel beaten down in every way by someone that is supposed to love you.
• that even though some people use sorry in the wrong way, that not every sorry is robotic and sarcastic. that they are allowed to forgive people and be okay with just accepting the apology for what it is.
• to be strong women. who stand up for what they believe in and don't let anyone tell them that they aren't good enough or smart enough to accomplish their dreams.
• to be compassionate and open to other's beliefs even if it means putting their own on the backburner to just hear what other people are saying.

this new road is going to be very odd. i have not been single in many many years. this is new territory for me. but i will survive it. i will make it. and i will embrace this freedom with everything i have.

 

sister blister

there is only 1 sibling that i talk to out of 3 siblings. but we didn't always talk. we didn't always know each other. in fact, i didn't even know her favorite color was "rust" until last year. or that her favorite ice cream was "she doesn't like ice cream."

she too is estranged from our family. she was the first to become estranged. and she has taught me alot about myself this past summer. we'll call her rae. and she is child #2. (i'm 3, the brother is 4, and an eldest sister was the first born.)

so rae called today. she had some funny story to tell me about a conversation she had with our grandmother that ended in ramifications for me. thanks sis. actually, it's not bad enough for me to have too bad of ramifications. but still. [speaking of, today is grandmother's birthday. need to call her. like...now.]

i actually like the relationship that rae and i have now. it's nice. it's jovial. it's closer than it was. it's...real. it has meaning. there was a time when she and i did not speak. a loooooooong time. she moved out of the house when i was not yet 7 years old. she was 14. i had testified a year or two earlier in court via video tape against her allegations that my father [her stepfather] had molested her, when in fact, he did not. [there's a lot surrounding that. just leave it at that for now.]

the morning she left, she woke me up for school, just like any other morning. she gave me her crimping iron that i had been eyeing in awe for the last 3 weeks, told me that she loved me, and then she was gone. i did not hear from her in a very long time, and our mother kept telling me that she [rae] hated me and was jealous of me and never wanted me to be born because she wanted to be the baby girl of the family. i believed everything my mother told me. why shouldn't i have? she is my mom. she's supposed to tell the truth, right?

my best friend at the time became my worst enemy because rae moved in with her family. my best friend would come to class at school and tell me how much fun she was having with her sister. i remember fighting back tears, longing for what she was describing [because we never did neat stuff with each other at my house] and thinking to myself that's MY sister!!! i wanted to scream it from the mountaintops. my "friend" seemed to find this control quite enthralling and for the next several years, would not miss the chance to tell me of what cool neat things she and her sister were doing.

when i was a teenager, she came to visit once, and we had "awkward" fun. i guess that's the way to describe it. we went and visited sis #1 (shae) and spent a few hours doing nothing, really. then she took me home. my parents would 20 question me to the point of exhaustion, thinking that rae had divulged some petty secret. apparently, there was a petty secret, but rae hadn't divulged that. my parents had just psyched themselves into thinking rae had told me. then one night when my mom was pissed at me she screamed the dirty little secret in anger: "go ahead and tell him! he's not your real father anyway!"

can we say huh?

aaanyways, when i was a senior in high school, out of the blue, rae sent me money for me to get invitations and a mug that i wanted and my class ring. my mom then told me [what i know now are lies] that rae did it out of pity and was angry that i didn't send a thank you note in the amount of time that was appropriate. so i busted my butt at my 2 jobs that i had on weekends and after school and paid her back every cent. i didn't want her pity and i certainly thought that properness ran both ways and a belated thank you because i was a full time student and full time employed at the time should have been understood.

i never had a conversation with my sister until i was in my early twenties. even then it was awkward. but it had to be done. that's another story for another post though.

now that i'm older, i do think sometimes about how much time i missed out on with my sister. 15 years is a long time no matter what kind of age gap there is to not know your sister. since i contacted her, and visited her a few times, and now she has come and visited me, it has been getting easier and easier to build that relationship. she has stayed in my home. that surprised me so much because she has never been to the midwest. and she came here. to see me. like i'm someone worth spending time on.

talking to her, being with her, laughing with her doesn't seem awkward anymore. we now call each other all the time. i call her and there's no: "hello this is your sister..." and a realization on the other end of oh yeah, i do have a sister! we know who it is now, no explaination necessary. and now, we don't even have to have a reason to call like we did before. it can be something simple like her buying a trash can, something important like her non-existent relationship with her biological father & our mother. or something hilariously funny or my neice calling me to say hi auntie! i am so glad i didn't miss out on this wonderful neice. and super glad i'm no longer missing out on this wonderful sister

i have a sister who wants to CALL ME to tell me about stupid stuff like the price of a trash can! i have a sister who wants to CALL ME to tell me about the effect a conversation with grandma will have on me!!

people.........I.HAVE.A.SISTER!!!

and it feels really really good.

i'm sorry, did i take a breath and make you assume i was finished?

i only take breaths between fractions of things i say. it's like, let me finish what i'm talking about before you put your 2 cents in because if you were able to interject anything of any interest, then that means i'm done talking about what i'm finding interesting and we have to move forward with the conversation instead of staying comfortably in the one topic that i love discussing and that is...me!

have you ever known someone like that? yeahhhh...congratulations! you do now!!!! don't fret, i won't do it to you. [obviously because there is no way i could interrupt or talk over you through the internet. wow. lucky you!] i don't know why i do it. i just do. it's like my brain is saying you are going to say blah blah blah blah blah and i'm saying it before i'm actually finished with the thought process of it in my head! as a matter of fact, it's more like i say it first and think it later. like somewhere my wires got crossed when God was passing out the nerve electrons for thinking before talking.

as you can imagine, this gets me in trouble. a lot. in a way, when my brother stated that i talk without taking a breath, that is the truth. however, my ability to talk the hind end off of a mule in no way deserved the hatred that spewed out of the huge orifice in my brother's face. or technically, from my brother's fingertips.

people don't understand me. ever.

• i'm the one laughing in the movie theater when no one else is.
• i'm the one who cuts the plastic liners up from a 6 pack of 20 oz sodas or 12 oz cans because i read somewhere when i was 12 that fish get caught in them and die. and i figure if you aren't going to recycle that shit, i might as well help keep a defenseless little animal from getting caught in the openings, you know?
• i'm the one sitting in the library reading. or in my bed. or couch. or back porch. nose in book.
• i'm the one who can recite all 103 lines of the highwayman from memory and even owns the phil ochs cassette version of my most favorite poem ever. i learned the lines in a 22 hour flight from NY to Tel Aviv and back my sophomore year in high school for a project in my advanced english class. miss preston rocked and even gave me a full score instead of half score! [because of my trip my project ended up being given 2 weeks late. in advanced classes you don't get leniency. you are there for a reason.]
• i'm the one who was in advanced everything. except math. math despises me.
• i'm the one who watches anne of green gables and all sequels every few months because they make me smile and remind me of the time in 9th grade when i changed my name to anne because i wanted to be anne shirley. i wanted to be anyone but myself. of course, so did she.
• i'm the one who was made fun of.

i'm the one who was made fun of because:

• i wore the same shoes to school. everyday. the same old dookie [don't you just TRIPPP when tyra says that? seriously!?] brown boots whether it was shorts, pants, or dresses was that my fashion statement? hell to the N.O.! it was because my parents didn't have a lot of money. and i never asked because asking would lead to a lecture about how i should be glad to get my sisters' hand me downs [even though my sisters are 7 & 9 years older than i] and how dear brother was the only boy and needed the new clothes since there were no hand me downs for him.
• i had 2 pairs of pants. medium wash jeans & green courduroy. guess which ones looked best with those boots?! i dare you.
• hair? ha! i had no clue what hair accessories were. my mother didn't have the use of 1 arm. my sisters were out of the house by the time i was old enough to start wanting my hair done. brush and ponytail. down, & parted down the middle. that's all i knew. so that's all i did. hippy-ish, but then again, what more could you expect from a poor southern gal born in the 80's and raised with music circa 1960's & 70's?
• my breasts were like nothing one day in 3rd grade and then poof, there are two huge dd's weighing me down the next. it sucked. it still sucks. even when my weight is down, they are still borderline g's! it is sooooo irritating!
• because i was different. because i wasn't what people would consider "normal." and people are afraid of anything that is different.

i think i am done now. i don't know where i was going with this post, but i wasn't planning on writing a post like this because i am actually in a really good mood. but i guess i needed to get it out? hmmmm.

ready to spill...pt 2

if you are just joining me and would like to catch up, reading post ready to spill first might help you to understand the following better. =)

2 weeks went by with out a word from my mother. or father. i was beginning to be okay with my phone ringing. my text messages dinging. i was getting out of the habit of putting my phone on silent. just as i started to relax a little bit, things turned for the worse.

friday afternoon i received a text from my brother. it was a normal text of a picture of his son gavin. i did not respond. i never did anymore. the way my family has always made me feel...always treated me...was not something i was wanting to open back up by responding to a text. a few hours later i received another text from my brother. i thought wow, that's odd, 2 texts in one day? and that's when i knew. i knew in the pit of my stomach why he was texting. because the texting dings were coming swift, loud, demanding. and i remember thinking shit. mother talked to him. and i remember inching slowly towards my phone, afraid of the words that i wasn't sure if i could just brush off...

*explicit language following. i do apologize. but i'm purging here so...=)

brother's texts in paragraph form: what the f*ck is your problem? who the f*ck do you think you are? you g*dd*mn f*cking c*nt wh*re! you snotty little stuck up b*tch! you are a snotty stuck up little c*nt b*tch who needs to pull her head out of her a$$ and realize that the world does not revolve around her! you have a prob with me, you come to me about it, dont' b*tch to everybody else and then act like nothing is wrong when you talk to me! oh and tell sir g that it was appropriate for us to bring gavin to golden corrall that morning! what the hell did he expect us to do? leave him home, alone!? on father's day!? don't you call or text me until you pull your head out of your fat a$$ and learn to grow up and realize that the world doesn't revolve around you because i'm here to tell you you stupid little fat a$$ c*nt b*tch, it DOESN'T!

at this point, i'm in tears. but i did not respond. and boyyyy this was  hard. when i am attacked, i hold no punches. you want this proper woman, this diva to show her true southern colors, start running off at your mouth and i can throw down.

but i knew this was my mother's doing. she did this because i hadn't called her in the time she thought was appropriate for me to have "gotten over" her visit her emotional and mental damage. she was impatient about my not calling. all she wanted was for me to call her and talk to her because if i did that, she won. it's a control game with her. obviously she told him quite a few lies. obviously she stretched the truth.

i never complained about my brother to anyone. not even to my parents. i simply let my hurt feelings be known. and my hurt feelings weren't even about my brother as much as they were about my parents making choices that were hurting my children. i didn't want to cause an argument so i didn't include him in my conversations with my mother and father. that we had in my house. i'm not going to stir up strife. i just wanted to patch things up with my parents (that sooooo didn't happen) and give my kids real grandparents (that soooooo didn't happen either.) and as far as gavin & the golden corrall thing: the kid had a fever. he had green snot pouring from his nostrils and screamed the entire father's day breakfast. it wasn't appropriate for him to be there. and no one actually TOLD him this. my mother asked in front of him and the entire family if in my expert opinion (one of my degrees is in early childhood education, health, & safety) did i think it was appropriate for gavin to be at the breakfast and i stated the truth: he needed to be at home resting and getting well.

so an hour or so later...(at this point it's after 1 am.)

brother's text in paragraph form: what?! omg! what?! the person who has something to say about EVERYTHING has NOTHING to say!? you want to know why i never want to have anything to do with you??? you annoy the sh*t out of me! you always have! i f*cking hate you! you aren't even my g*dd*mn sister! we don't even have the same father! you constantly talk without pause! you think you know everything! i don't like sir g! and i don't want to be constantly climbed on by some hyperactive f*cking kids who should both be on some g*dd*mn ritalin but for some reason their mother is too fat a$$ and lazy to take them to the f*cking doctor to get it for them!

(allow me to clarify here that my brother was diagnosed with adhd at 6 years of age and spent most of his childhood and teenage years [up until the drugs] on ritalin. my brother is a high school drop out who repeated 8th grade twice and then gave up during 9th grade. he spent the better part of his young teenage and adult years on massive amounts of drugs, collecting action figures and playing video games. he has worked in the produce department at a local grocery store since he dropped out of the 9th grade. he doesn't have a driver's license. he never got his ged. he met his wife at a bar in his small town and got a call from her 6 weeks later that she was pregnant and so he married her. he is 26.)

but back to the texts: honestly it goes like this on and on...basically repeating  himself with rude and inexcusable verbage. i turned my phone off all weekend long. when i turned it back on monday morning to get ready for work calls to start pouring in, i was bombarded by over 300 text messages between him, his wife, and my mother. each one worse than the last. each one more emotionally damaging. so i deleted them all without reading the rest. i really wanted to read it but i couldn't. i wasn't in any shape to do that.

monday night i went to my therapy appointment. i couldn't even speak. i was filled with so much hurt. so much pain. so many thoughts and questions and feelings of rejection poured out of my mouth at a rate much faster than i thought possible.

whyyy can't my parents love me? why can't my family love me? why have they never taken up for me? why is it me who helps them, takes care of them, saves them when they are in binds, and is always there to take a call, lend a hand, give advice, and then it is me who is let down time and time again??

i don't even remember everything i said, i just remember crying. [i seriously think my first 3 appointments she didn't say a word, just listened and let me cry! lol]

i couldn't blog. i  could barely function through my work days. it was a blessing this happened over the summertime because i really don't know how i'd have gotten stuff ready for work, and both of my ladies ready for school every morning. i was barely waking up on time as it was. i spiraled downward.

after therapy that night, we decided to take the girls to the park. i needed some fresh air. and little did i know that this would also cause another turning point in how i broke away from my "family."

but i'll save that for another post. this one is long enough i think.

ready to spill...pt 1

it has been quite a summer. the pain is gone now. the meds have helped a ton with my anxiety. my ptsd is easier to manage with my talk therapy.

anyone who knows me in "real life" knows what kind of relationship i have with my mother. it was hanging by a thread. this summer, that thread was yanked out and fell in a huge knotted heap on the ground. i have had to cut ties with my mother completely. with my father. with my brother & his wife & son. i envy those of you who have good parents and are close with your siblings. i do not have that. i will never have that.

my parents came for a week in june. they decided that instead of sticking to the plan, they were going to go with their own flow. but on my dime. my time with my parents, to try to heal past hurts, move on from those things, and forage a future, were interrupted repeatedly by my brother and his meddlesome wife.

my brother was always the favorite. always chosen over me. he did something wrong, i got the blame-and the beating-for it. i protected him in hopes that he would one day realize all i did and love me like normal brothers and sisters love each other. sadly, this was to not be the case. he showed his true colors...just as my mother and father did.

my mother screamed at me. every day she was here. she was in my face. she smacked me across the face with a spatula. she screamed at my assistant. she screamed at me in front of my assistant, in front of my clients, and in front of my charges. she stomped outside slamming my doors and paced up and down my driveway screaming "in tongues" to the point where my neighbors were calling/texting me to alert me of a senile vagrant ranting and raving outside my house and should they call the police.

they repeatedly chose to go to my brother's apartment. to have dinner with them after i worked all day at making a good meal while working full time. they came here on my dime, to spend time with my kids, their GRANDCHILDREN, and they never kept their word to them about going to the zoo, the aquarium, etc. they cancelled on my 5 and 7 year old to see their 26 year old son. who didn't even know they were coming to town until the day before they arrived. if i mentioned anything about making dinner for that night, i was responded in a rude ungreatful manner and myself and my family were cast to the side. apparently all i was good for to my parents was a way to get them here to dote on my brother and his family.

this continued and did not let up the entire 7 days. i felt like i was going insane. on top of everything else going on in my life, i finally see 100% that my parents do not love me. at all. they don't care about what i have done for them. what i did for them. the sacrifices that i made for them. they do not care. so the day they went home i took my parents to the airport and this transpired:

MOM: "come on, i know it was a rough 7 days but i still had a great time! why can't you give your ol' mom a hug goodbye?"
ME: "a rough 7 days? the only time you had a great time was when i was spending my money on YOU! only a rough 7 days? are you kidding me? mother, it's time for me to set it straight. i learned a lot these 7 days. i learned more than i ever wanted to know about you, but i learned everything i needed to know about myself. and i learned that i am in control of my life and the drama and chaos that surrounds it. i choose who's life affects me. and your drama, your chaos, is not something i want in my life. not anymore."

i grabbed my kids and got in the car. i had brought them with me because i knew i was going to be saying goodbye to my mother for the very last time. with her dramatic ways, i knew it would be a scene and i didn't want any reason to have to stick around. true to her colors, she began screaming my name, limping to the middle of the drop off zone at the airport. she dropped to her knees screaming and wailing my name so loudly that security could be seen through my sideview mirrors running out into the street.

she called me a million times that day. i did not answer. she continued this for days, to the point where i had my phone on silent all the time because every time the phone rang, i froze in fear that it was her. she left umpteen messages. first starting out quiet and demure, then ending with "what a bitch i am and how stuck up i'd become. how i'd gotten my own business, got a few labels, and what the fuck happened to me? i thought i was better than anyone else." still, i didn't respond. when that didn't work she began texting me. she did this for weeks, leaving texts of worried about me, wanting to hear from me. etc...then started the "you're a bitch" campaign, ringing on my BB until 4 am. then when that stopped working (see below for the reason that stopped) she began leaving little "digs" on messenger services like yahoo and msn. "i don't really give a rat's ass that you aren't talking to me anymore, i'm more worried about what you are telling your friends!" (to which i'm like what the fuck does that matter? none of my friends know you! i mean, that totally made no sense, right?)

finally at 3 am a week and a half later, after talking to my therapist i sent 1 text to her.

"mother, i would appreciate it if you would please give me some space. i am still trying to process your visit here. let me contact you when i am ready to. as of right now, there is nothing that i want or need to say to you. i will not respond to anymore texts, voicemails, ims, etc."

she didn't respond and finally it stopped. i heard nothing from her...but about 2 weeks later, my world was again turned upside down.

...to be continued...