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i laugh too loud. i sing all the time. i cry easily. i've been told i have the oddest sense of humor. ever. yes, i'm the one in the movies laughing when no one else gets it. the only time i dance is for my kids. they love my "rubber dance!" remember in school when you use to shake your pencils til they looked all bendy and rubbery? yeah, it's like that! ha! i stay up late and wake up early. i see a therapist who helps keep me straight and making good decisions. i do not speak to my mother and think this is great! I am moody, opinionated, emotional, intelligent, and empathetic. i love all things girly but mostly shoes, and have a bizarre infatuation with the following: lady gaga, celine dion, stacy london, britney spears. (how the heck does that even make sense?!) oh yeah and i am addicted to my iPhone.


katy interviewed me: [ps: go check it outttt!]

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

ready to spill...pt 1

it has been quite a summer. the pain is gone now. the meds have helped a ton with my anxiety. my ptsd is easier to manage with my talk therapy.

anyone who knows me in "real life" knows what kind of relationship i have with my mother. it was hanging by a thread. this summer, that thread was yanked out and fell in a huge knotted heap on the ground. i have had to cut ties with my mother completely. with my father. with my brother & his wife & son. i envy those of you who have good parents and are close with your siblings. i do not have that. i will never have that.

my parents came for a week in june. they decided that instead of sticking to the plan, they were going to go with their own flow. but on my dime. my time with my parents, to try to heal past hurts, move on from those things, and forage a future, were interrupted repeatedly by my brother and his meddlesome wife.

my brother was always the favorite. always chosen over me. he did something wrong, i got the blame-and the beating-for it. i protected him in hopes that he would one day realize all i did and love me like normal brothers and sisters love each other. sadly, this was to not be the case. he showed his true colors...just as my mother and father did.

my mother screamed at me. every day she was here. she was in my face. she smacked me across the face with a spatula. she screamed at my assistant. she screamed at me in front of my assistant, in front of my clients, and in front of my charges. she stomped outside slamming my doors and paced up and down my driveway screaming "in tongues" to the point where my neighbors were calling/texting me to alert me of a senile vagrant ranting and raving outside my house and should they call the police.

they repeatedly chose to go to my brother's apartment. to have dinner with them after i worked all day at making a good meal while working full time. they came here on my dime, to spend time with my kids, their GRANDCHILDREN, and they never kept their word to them about going to the zoo, the aquarium, etc. they cancelled on my 5 and 7 year old to see their 26 year old son. who didn't even know they were coming to town until the day before they arrived. if i mentioned anything about making dinner for that night, i was responded in a rude ungreatful manner and myself and my family were cast to the side. apparently all i was good for to my parents was a way to get them here to dote on my brother and his family.

this continued and did not let up the entire 7 days. i felt like i was going insane. on top of everything else going on in my life, i finally see 100% that my parents do not love me. at all. they don't care about what i have done for them. what i did for them. the sacrifices that i made for them. they do not care. so the day they went home i took my parents to the airport and this transpired:

MOM: "come on, i know it was a rough 7 days but i still had a great time! why can't you give your ol' mom a hug goodbye?"
ME: "a rough 7 days? the only time you had a great time was when i was spending my money on YOU! only a rough 7 days? are you kidding me? mother, it's time for me to set it straight. i learned a lot these 7 days. i learned more than i ever wanted to know about you, but i learned everything i needed to know about myself. and i learned that i am in control of my life and the drama and chaos that surrounds it. i choose who's life affects me. and your drama, your chaos, is not something i want in my life. not anymore."

i grabbed my kids and got in the car. i had brought them with me because i knew i was going to be saying goodbye to my mother for the very last time. with her dramatic ways, i knew it would be a scene and i didn't want any reason to have to stick around. true to her colors, she began screaming my name, limping to the middle of the drop off zone at the airport. she dropped to her knees screaming and wailing my name so loudly that security could be seen through my sideview mirrors running out into the street.

she called me a million times that day. i did not answer. she continued this for days, to the point where i had my phone on silent all the time because every time the phone rang, i froze in fear that it was her. she left umpteen messages. first starting out quiet and demure, then ending with "what a bitch i am and how stuck up i'd become. how i'd gotten my own business, got a few labels, and what the fuck happened to me? i thought i was better than anyone else." still, i didn't respond. when that didn't work she began texting me. she did this for weeks, leaving texts of worried about me, wanting to hear from me. etc...then started the "you're a bitch" campaign, ringing on my BB until 4 am. then when that stopped working (see below for the reason that stopped) she began leaving little "digs" on messenger services like yahoo and msn. "i don't really give a rat's ass that you aren't talking to me anymore, i'm more worried about what you are telling your friends!" (to which i'm like what the fuck does that matter? none of my friends know you! i mean, that totally made no sense, right?)

finally at 3 am a week and a half later, after talking to my therapist i sent 1 text to her.

"mother, i would appreciate it if you would please give me some space. i am still trying to process your visit here. let me contact you when i am ready to. as of right now, there is nothing that i want or need to say to you. i will not respond to anymore texts, voicemails, ims, etc."
she didn't respond and finally it stopped. i heard nothing from her...but about 2 weeks later, my world was again turned upside down.

...to be continued...

4 delights:

Stacia said...

All fixed!
This melts my heart!

emotional diva said...

Thanks Stacia. =)

m-m-m-melissa said...

um, didn't know you had a new blog, dude. did some catching up, and i must say that i'm interested to hear the rest. i don't see a therapist, but i've often considered it, and i've used my blog in place of a shrink on several occasions. get it all out, lady. more room out than in.

and, one more thing from someone who doesn't know you and doesn't know your family and means no offense:

i do not like your mom. not one little bit.

Kelsey @ Seattle Smith's said...

I just found your blog, and I'm so sorry to hear this! Sounds like you are taking care of yourself though ....