diagnosis.

so i broke down in my therapist's office tonight. some massive things happened over the weekend. with the drama from my mother and brother (still not ready to go into details on that...yet.) and the drama with garland, i just broke down and totally completely let loose.

my diagnosis:

• extreme anxiety.
• post traumatic stress disorder.

i will elaborate on those in a later post. however, my therapist is prescribing me a new medication called pristic. yes, it is an anti-depressant but has actually gotten rave reviews and great feedback to combat both of the above diagnosis. i will let you know how it goes. i'm supposed to see a brightening of spirit within 5-7 days and have been told that i will not notice any significant changes, but that sir g will definitely notice.

hello, i am mary horowitz.

my entire life i knew i was different. odd. weird. different sense of humor. different sense of being. i never felt like i belonged anywhere. with anyone. i still feel that way in a lot of areas. i don't have many friends and the ones i do have don't contact me...it's always me contacting them. it's always 1-sided with me. and when i try to reach out to aquaintances, i seem to only get polite responses back. or no response. it makes me feel lost. am i needy? do i come off that way? maybe it's just that they already have their "people" in their life and they don't need another friend/person.

when i was little i played mostly to myself. my sisters were much older, my brother was not anywhere near interested in being social. i was too young to have many friends and my mother didn't keep house well so i was forbidden to invite neighborhood friends to our home. it was cluttered and unkempt, infested with roaches and a messy smelly dog that got more attention than i ever did. i'd play in my room or annoy my sisters, subconciously pleading for someone to give me their time. i poured my heart and soul into others, hoping they'd see how awesome i was so that they'd like me or want to spend time with me.

i remember spending a lot of time in the bathroom after everyone would fall asleep. i'd line their pictures up on the mirror and i'd turn my head this way and that way...trying to figure out who i looked like. i looked like no one. i felt so lost and so alone.

so i did what i thought any normal kid would do when they don't understand something. i smiled. i pretended. and i got so use to doing this that my mask eventually attached itself to me and i wore it everywhere i went. and my mask felt good, because i felt nothing.

lois

remember the mom from the show malcolm in the middle? you know how every episode she freaked out and screamed and yelled and was always whining and complaining and cursing people and a total freak? well that was my mother. only she didn't work. she wasn't "average" sized. she wasn't even really that pretty to be honest.
do not misunderstand. i do not HATE my mother. disappointed, yes. hate, no. i shall list all the things my mother did growing up for you. mind you, this is not an embellisment nor is it an exaggeration. this was my life growing up. and i hated it.

My mother...

• yelled. all the time. she never spoke. speaking was foreign to her. unless someone not in our family was around.
  
• hit. all the time. she never spanked, she beat: cord, hand, belt, hanger, newspaper. whatever was nearest to her when she got angry. and she kept on until she felt better. or got worn out. then she'd yell at us to "dry it up!"
  
• watched TV. her couch was her haven. the TV was on all day every day and even into the late hours of the night. we knew better than to talk to her when a "show" was on, it would lead to yelling and spanking...of course when commercials came she would yell and spank, but not during the show.
  
• was lazy. and still is. she told us more than once, in a non-joking tone, she had children so they could cater to her and do things for her. one time when i was 8, she had me boil her some tea and make it for her because she was watching her alltime favorite show! and didn't want to get up to make it herself. when i spilled the whole pitcher on the floor of the kitchen, [hell-oooo i was 8! it was heavy!] she went into a rage and switched my legs while making me clean it up. myself. it was hot. i have the scar from the burn on the inside of my arm to show for it. but when her show came back on, she'd be right back on her couch, watching it, on commercials, she'd continue yelling.
  
• did not hug. she isn't a hugger. not then. not now. everytime i climbed into her lap to hug her, she'd say it's too hot get off me, or don't you have someone else to play with, or my favorite...go play with your dad, my show is on.
  
• was impatient. and still is this, too. she had no time for us kids. she refused to make the time. we bored her. she said more than once that she should never have had kids because she didn't have the patience for them. i agree. we're all fucked up now.
  
• lied. all the time. she can't help it. it's her nature. she was always mucking something up to make it dramatic or to screw other people up. to make her look good. i thought everything she said was the truth. now...i know everything she says is only a fraction of the truth. a small minute fraction.
  
• is selfish. she only thinks of herself. she is always whining and complaining and has a multitude of excuses of why this or that wasn't done/said/etc...
  
• is a hypocrite. she claims she is christian, but does more talking than she does walking.
  
• is dramatic. she flies off the handle and uses her handicap as a crutch. i really dislike people that do that. everything is sooooooo much worse when it happens to her.
  

these are only a few that i can name off the top of my head of what i remember about my mom and what i know of how she acts now. she hasn't changed much. in fact, i think she only isn't as bad because there are no children in her house to care for. i can tell you this now though: if something happens to me, she sure as hell isn't getting my kids.

unspecial

this green eyed monstrosity
it eats at my thoughts, in the dark recesses of my mind
how can it be so thick, it permeates the air
family should not wait
friendship should be:
- more understanding
- more two sided than one
- more friendly.