affliction.

pain is something i know a lot about. i don't know normal pain much...like a stubbed toe or a skinned knee. but i know the pain that leaves scars that no one can see. i know the pain that i have gone through the past few months that left me in such emotional turmoil that i haven't been able to pick up the pieces completely. i am working on it. but it's just exactly that...a work in progress.

i was supposed to go see my parents over the summer, but had a bad feeling about the visit so i cancelled the trip. (there was a reunion & get together with ppl from my old high school) my kids were so upset that gabe and i decided to have my parents come visit us instead. i thought this would be the perfect way to maybe fix some things that were going on between myself and my mother and father.

didn't happen. at all. as a matter of fact what transpired over the 7 days of sheer hell i can't even talk about right now because it is so hurtful. it is why i needed this place to vent. this place to try to make sense of this mess. maybe even to heal.

amidst the screaming and the name calling and the obvious way i was being treated, there was only one thing i could do instead of fall screaming and crying into a fetile position on the floor:
call a therapist. i loved my therapist from my marriage/divorce. she was my rock. she helped me so much. so i gave her a ring (this was the day before my parents left) and we planned to meet the day after my parents went back home.

i sat in her office for 2.5 hours and cried and just spewed forth the multitude of despair and hurt and angst that i had. i know i didn't make much sense to myself, but she seemed to be able to hear and sort through the sounds and meanings and reasons for my affliction.

when all is said and done, i felt better but things didn't get better with my family. i was harassed, accosted, belittled, and treated with a multitude of other types of aggressive behavior that was inappropriate and rude. all this broke me down immensely. mainly because this was my family! my mother, father, and brother & his wife. i felt like i was having a nervous breakdown. things weren't going so hot here at my house, then my parents pull their BS, my brother starts pulling his BS, the kids were acting up, and i felt like i spent so much time investing in people who didn't think i was important enough to warrant being invested back into.

this summer has taught me a lot. a lot about pain. a lot about my family. a lot about who is important and who isn't. but most of all, a lot about myself.