update on Jace's Painting

tonight i showed up at leslie's door with Jace's painting in hand. with my girls rallying in the car, a bug eyed dog staring at me through a glass door, and the sounds of "who in the world could be here?" ringing from someone inside, i stood, nervous, not knowing what leslie's reaction might be.

i was an unannounced visitor. and when leslie opened the door, she was surprised and demanded to know what i was doing there and why did i have the painting with me. when i tried to give it to her, she declined, saying that i won the painting, it was mine. i reminded her that i knew this, and i could do with it what i pleased, correct?

daniel's painting has a calming peace about it. before i ever even won the painting i decided that if i did, i would give it to leslie. she would derive the most from this grand piece of art. i did not know if she would even want the painting, if it would be too painful, but the peace that exudes from this particular piece of work would not and could not be too painful for her to have. there is something miraculous about this painting, and it was my honor to surprise her with it.

the painting is in its final home, where it belongs, with the people who love Jace the most. a beautiful piece of artwork that has brought so much peace to me, now resides with the person who needs peace from it the most.


i love you leslie! no one deserves this more than you!

 

Out of this World.

In Loving Memory of Jace Burgess.

"We are home now, out of this world"

Oil on unprimed

3ft x 4ft

2010

Artist: Daniel Gulick

Never forget & never stop praying for Justice for Jace !

maybe it is the fact that i was abused that Jace's story holds a special place in my heart.

maybe it was because i'd met this amazing little boy and knew his family, not all of them, and not all of them well, but enough to know their hearts and characters.

whatever reason it is, i have not gone one day since hearing the news that he was in the hospital without thinking or praying for and of him or his family for the bulk of my day.

i was already on a path of fulfillment, to change specific patterns in behaviors to make life better for my ladies. so they did not have to endure, see, or hear any more of a life that i grew up in, married into, and brought into my home. 

Jace is special. His family is the epitome of what i wish i could provide for my daughters and someday i may get that chance. until then, my friends will continue to be my supplemental family-the lucky dogs! tonight, they did the drawing for the painting that a very special man did to remember Jace. i never win anything, and leslie pulled my name out of the box! i wanted to run down like i was on the price is right!!!

this painting holds a special place in my heart. i already know where it will go, and i am excited to have the opportunity to be able to cherish this beautiful piece of artwork. even though i don't need to look at it to think of Jace or his family, it is nice to look at it, and see that it is significant to the journey that Jace has, and that we all will make one day. to be home...out of this world...

Jace & Leslie & Family have made me slow down and look at what i have and cherish it.

to look at my daughters and say yes, it IS okay to sit in my lap for a few even though you are SO big and it's SO hot. my mother never did enjoy that.

to look at my little friends and hold them a bit longer, take that extra time. i am already good at what i do, but spoiling every once in a while isn't that bad, is it? i don't think so.

to say YES you can have that oreo before dinner instead of harp on how they didn't eat their green beans.

for the first time since my ladies were babies, i allowed them to crawl into my bed without immediately taking them back to their own.

to turn off the computer, the tv, & the phones and say yes girls, it is time for us to do something together.

So Thank You Jace, Leslie, Stacey, Stan, Peggy, Nancy, & Andrew

you all showed me what a family is, and should be for one another. in good times, and in the hard times. and you taught me that even though i am teaching my girls independence and self-reliance, i can still let loose long enough to teach them something i was never taught:

Family Togetherness.

Donations to the Jace Burgess Funeral Fund
Donations can be made at any local Arvest Bank or mailed to:
Arvest Bank at 1515 S. Utica Ave, Tulsa, OK 74114 c/o Jace Burgess Funeral Fund.

1 Word.

eclipse.
oh my word.
i took leslie to go see the trilogy to keep us busy. i ended up seeing like 100 million people that i know.
i can't go anywhere in tulsa without running into someone. it's hilarious.
my friends have no clue how i know so much about each other.
it's just random really.
shopping...and find out who's pregnant and who thinks they are.
i do not gossip by any means but if asked outright, unless the information is something not my business, i don't mind sharing.

oh and just so you all know:
i am not team edward or team jacob.

all the way!!!!

woot!

ok blogger is acting all freaktastic on me. i have only a left line alignment? what the crap is that? grrr.
ok pic time!

one of my sweet ones was late getting picked up. he doesn't like leaving my house, hence the face.

look who shows up: ang. crazy cracka chick!

and she brings all this baggage with her! i use to babysit these children.

in diapers.

i am old.

*shudders*

wow i'm dark.

leslie was holding back a belch. hahaha

TWILIGHT IS ABOUT TO START!!!

ECLIPSE IS ABOUT TO START!

Ran into Misty & Katy too! I was so excited!! (Can you tell?)

Had to buy the shirt. Wow.

Leslie was NOT holding back a belch here.

eclipse started at 12:02 and over at 2:05.

i trudged in at 2:30 am.

i have no pics of this. there never will be any.

heh.

6:50 am (that) the next morning.

still bright and peppy as ever.

and yes, i slept in my eclipse shirt.

don't hate.

Neglectful Diva. Bad Diva.

Until roughly 2 weeks ago, I have not posted much at all, I have noticed that many of you have come to my site in the last few months sporadically and I hope that you didn't give up on me!! I am so sorry that I neglected my BlogFamily-but there were many things that I neglected the past few months and I had to square them away before returning to my BlogLand.
Now that these things are dealt with, I am hoping to continue to blog on a regular basis or semi regular. I may not participate in some BlogWorld shared events, but I hope to eventually.
Please bear with me as I journey to become less neglectful and more sharing!!! =)

A Life Taken.

Life is an opportunity, benefit from it. Life is beauty, admire it. Life is a dream, realize it. Life is a challenge, meet it. Life is a game, play it. Life is a promise, fulfill it. Life is sorrow, overcome it. Life is a song, sing it. Life is a struggle, accept it. Life is a tragedy, confront it. Life is an adventure, dare it. Life is too precious, do not destroy it. Life is life, fight for it. -Mother Teresa

Today we lost a life. A life that was tiny, but was a huge integral part of this world. Jace was a 3 year old little machine...a force to be reckoned with. His mother, Leslie, made sure he got all the love and hugs and kisses in the world. I believe wholeheartedly that she is also the reason he was so strong, so determined, and such a force!

Today will forever be in my memory. The day a life was taken. Jace wasn't just playing one day and then fell. Jace was murdered. Someone decided to shake him violently and take his life from him, from his mother, from his family! I cannot begin to imagine how Leslie and her family are even coping-or how they will continue to cope from this day forth without their precious Jace. I am having a hard time not crying and staying calm, and I'm not even his parent. I don't know if I could be as strong as Leslie has been throughout this. I don't know if I could endure this with half the grace she has.

Jace was an amazing boy. His smile was infectious, his laughter so cute! He had a light in his eyes that was undeniably put there by the caring nature of his mother and by his own mischievous nature. (Nurtured by his mother no doubt! LOL) He was a sweet, kind soul, with a beautiful heart and a playful nature. He had his moments, as most children do, but even those were laughable and memorable!!!

Jace, you are loved and missed.

Leslie, anything you need, if I can provide it, I will.

Lord, wrap your arms around Leslie & her family. Cloak them in your love, your peace, and your strength. Give them your shoulder to cry on, your arms to run into, your lap to sit in, and your words to live by. You will take good care of Jace, we know this. It is hard to accept that he is in a better place because he is not here with his family, but acceptance will come in time. It is hard to let him go because he was so amazing and special, and they want him here with them. Surround them Lord, in this hard time. Thank you Lord, for your grace, your mercy, and your never-ending love. Amen.

RIP

Jace Burgess

6/16/2010

random thought tuesday

brought to you by the unmom.

of course, twisted slightly by yours truly who decided to add a timer so you can see just how awesome random i actually am...

60 seconds! aaaaand....go!

hey fat jesus, can i have your man-purse!?

a steam vac has been sitting in my living room for months. my floor continues to be stained, and yet the vac sits, unused, neglected...

sarah jessica parker never ever needs to move to the country. flannel does nothing for her nose.

the theme for clifford the big red dog is playing non stop in my head. i think maybe all the noggin songs replay in my head throughout the day...

please.stop.the.madness.

someone please inform me why the cutest fucking dress at gymboree had to be 36 fucking dollars? for a dress for my 6 year old!? are you kidding me?? and it was ON SALE!? i will never ever again feel  bad for my wal mart/toys r us clothing purchases! EVER. and if you think less of me for this, i don't care.

*...muttering about 36 dollars for a fucking dress for a 6 year old...*

why oh why does my daughter think ketchup, peach syrup (from a peach can), water, and yogurt is "science"??

let's not forget to top it with "e-z cheese" *le sigh*

so there's this girl. & i miss her tons...i love you still!

ok...geez...haiti...i get it...

 i mean, i care, but...don't we have our own shit to worry about? economy, job security, social security, ummm...etc...yeah...just sayin. enough's enough.

whoa...is my hair out?

...rick-a-rick-a reverse...

why is everytime i turn on the tv it's something about the jackson 5?

i thought we were over this shit?

are we really supposed to care that obama sent his first presidential tweet? oh, i'm sorry i shouldn't assume that's annoying to everyone. i shall rephrase: am i really supposed to care that obama sent his first presidential tweet?

is the president tweeting part of his job description? i am so picturing him in the oval office with his nose in his cell phone and a stack of unemployment figures on his desk.

who would download an app to prohibit texting whilst driving?

p.s.: avatar rocked. so i heard. i shall try to watch it today for the 2nd time & hope i don't fall asleep. again. lol

would you pick your child's gender if you could?

im on a sound diet. if it sounds good...i eat it.

i'm dyin: june 30th, people. june 30th.

yeahhhh thinkin' that's about all i got...

Uh huh...

Yes, I realize that I have not posted.

Yes, I will in the very near future.

For now, you will have to just do THIS: (I did  it looks hella-funtastic!)

Love Love Peeps.

scars remind us where we've been...

in the movie forrest gump, there's a quote in there that goes like this:

forrest: momma always says there's an awful lot you could tell about a person by their shoes. where they're going. where they've been. i've worn lots of shoes. i bet if I think about it real hard i could remember my first pair of shoes.

scars are harder to read than shoes. with shoes, you can tell a hooker from a business woman. a librarian from a track runner. a soccer player from an artist. you can label people from their shoes. but strip them down, and we are all the same.

i get along with most people i meet. but there are some who don't like me. i don't know why. i don't understand why. and it bugs me to death if someone doesn't like me. i think i'm the nicest person in the world. i would do anything for anyone if i thought it would make that person smile. a lot of people perceive my kindness for weakness. people underestimate me constantly.

someone told me the other day that they thought i was a snob because of how i acted when i first met them like 9 years ago. i use to be extremely shy in first meetings. i'd try to act nonchalant, play with my hair, look anywhere but at the person i'm meeting. seeing me now, no one would imagine that i was shy in any setting. now, i walk right up and introduce myself. i do silly things and talk about random shit.

i wasn't just shy. i had scars. scars that berated me with "you shouldn't be here" and "you don't belong here this is wrong" and "all men want is one thing" and "this is an abomination" and countless other no-no's that were instilled in me growing up. scars that made me afraid to speak out or speak up or to be myself. scars that riddled me with so little self esteem that i was terrified to be ignored, laughed at, or thought as odd. the funny thing is, i actually think my oddity now is a trademark.

with scars, you can't have preconceived notions. you can't have assumptions. you have to jump in and put away your pride and you have to get to know that person so that maybe you can understand them, where they are coming from, where they've been, and where they are going.

so the next time you see someone and they rub you the wrong way, or you think wow, that's kinda...hmmm...they're weird i don't think i like them,

put away the snobbery. put away the ridicule you feel. take a closer look. and retrace your steps, take their hand and say, hello. everyone has something going on. you never know who just lost a sibling, parent, lover, or child. you can't tell loss or heartbreak or disappointment by shoes.

but by scars you can find out a story. just a few of my stories:

scar #1:

where: knee

story: i was teaching my little brother how to ride a bike. we lived in a 3 bedroom section 8 apartment home at the top of a hill in the projects in fairfax, alabama. he ran into me as i let go of the bike because he got scared and turned the wheel. the spoke was tattered and jagged and ripped my knee open.

i do not have any communication with my brother any more. the things that occurred over this past summer sealed that up and i put it on the shelf to maybe open at a much later date. but i still have this story. and this story tells the tale of a once very close brother and sister.

scar #2:

where: chin

story: i was living in the above mentioned projects and i wanted a bike REALLY bad. my brother had just learned to ride my old one and my parents were poor so that meant i had to do without. (normal) so i wanted to ride my friend's brother's bike. my dad said no, because he didn't have the money to replace it if i broke it and also, this friend's brother was a teenager and his bike had no brakes. hahaha. see where this is going? so i rode it anyway and thought i was hot stuff popping wheelies over the speed mountains until i hit this one going too fast and it threw me off the bike.

i flew across the speed mountain and landed on my stomach on some old woman's driveway. and i remember thinking wow, that was close! and then the next thing i knew my head was smashed into the concrete, chin down and i busted my chin open. the bike had flown into the air and came down right on my head.

my mother said i was being dramatic and that i could walk home when the old lady called her to come get me. she said i was a drama queen and it was just a scratch and she didn't want to miss her "General Hospital." i ended up getting 72 stitches. and i still have the scar. it taught me: never get overly confident &  don't trust my mother to love anything or anyone except herself.

scar #3
where: can't see it.
story: when i was 6 years old, i was awakened by my sister who was 13. she told me that she loved me and gave me her crimping iron (i'd been gawking at it since she bought it) and that if she could take me with her, she would. i did not see her again until i was 16. and then not again until i was 21. @ the age of 22, i found out some stuff that my mother had been lying about and i called my sister up and talked to her. now, my sister and i are pretty close. it has taken 6 long agonizing years of tearing away that scar tissue to repair 15 years worth of damage to our sister-relationship. but those 6 years have been worth it.

scar #4
where: lower back & sides
story: i have riddles of scars on my lower back and sides from my ex husband. he got mad enough to where he actually threw me through a double window-paned sliding glass door. i went through it. shattered both panes. flipped over the couch on the balconey. this was the incident that sent myself & lady o into the er. i was pregnant with lady n. and i never went back.

soooo idk where or why this post came out of me today. but maybe another day, i'll share some more scars. and when i do, you'll have some insights into ms. diva. that may or may not change your thoughts about me.

ps: i have decided to change my pattern with men. the next one will not be a woman beating fool. LOL

random thoughts tuesday

       brought to you by the unmom.

with a slight twist from moi by adding in a timer.

 because to me, random thoughts are refreshing when you don't know what imma be sayin' next!

you know the drill. i rock. timer is set to 60 seconds. lets see what i can get outta my brain now!

you must check out my girl's site. she's new so she needs encouragement. go now. yes. NOW. i did not stutter!

i miss my emotional twinkie. she needs to hurrythehellup and come home before i go into permanent withdrawals. =(

really want pizza but will settle for subway.

hearing babies laughing makes me laugh too. contagious much?

i am super duper happy with my life right now.

i want the ex to stop e mailing me. especially @ midnight. i don't need that shit.

i want a dyson for christmas. i could love vacuuming, right?

reeses pb cups are now made with nuts and pecans in them.

can i say heaaavenlyyyyyyyy without sounding like pb cups is code for "i got laid last night?" hahahahaaaaa no? allright. fine. *pout*

some babies are NOT pretty when first born. why is it not okay to state this when asked? what am i supposed to do? LIE?

what possessed lady gaga to have beyonce sing with her? i mean was she sitting at the studio somewhere jammin to a beat and thought "wow, i know exactly what this song needs....beyonce-tude!" and poof...telephone was born?

and was that beyonce in that song or was it sasha fierce? because i'm totally confused now. hmmm

read on my other girl's site comments that adam lambert is trying to be a total boy britney. yanno what?

i totally agree! hilarity!

i can so hear him (adam lambert) singing "i'm miss american dream since i was seventeen...do YOU wanna piece of me!?"

no, adam. i do NOT want a piece of you. and ps. the cover of your album looks like PINK in DRAG!

good for him, bad for her? unsure.

did i seriously use 45 seconds on adam lambert? what's wrong with mi cabeza??? i don't think i spent 2 seconds on AI listening to him sing?

crap. time to feed the kids. and the dinger's about to ding. yeah right about....

i want your psycho, your vertigo schtick...

stefani aka "lady gaga"

the first time i heard lady gaga was wayyyy early last year [maybe even late the year before?] i don't remember! lol.

i wanted to fight it. i wanted to hate her. she was so skinny, so tall, so blonde, so unlike anything i had ever heard or seen before. a friend of mine's father has a "connection" with the releases of new artists/films, etc and she got a pre-released demo of the first few songs lady gaga was to be releasing. [yes, i'm bragging, no i don't feel bad about it! lol]

but i didn't hate her. i LOVED her. i adored her pop-py tune and the oddity of her voice, her style. and she hasn't disappointed with her videos either! [btw, for you true blood fans, eric, the vampire sheriff, plays as her lover in the video paparazzi! he is soooo handsome! and how lucky for gaga! she got to kiss him! even though he did shove her off the balconey. bad eric! bad bad eric!]

so omw back from texas the other night, i bought her "the fame monster" album because i mean, i hadn't gotten it yet & i really really really wanted to have the song at my house! [the ex took the computer with the iTunes on it, (his computer so it's all good) and i wasn't able to copy to cd. so i can't plug up my iPod to add new music or i lose all 4.5 days i already have stored on it. booooo!]

of course bad romance is the hit on this particular release but the song i am addicted to is actually "alejandro" i don't know why,  but it has an addicting beat. i'm not too crazy about her speechless song (too slow) and i thought telephone was pretty awesome til beyonce starting singing. so....

here's my fav song of hers, no video yet but i'm sitting on the edge of my seat waiting!

i watched her on fuse last night and she has a pretty awesome aura about her. she also explained a lot of her songs on there and her reasonings behind her work. i was completely into it. don't ask me why. it's kinda weird for me to be this gaga over an artist (i don't know if that pun was intended yet or not...lol) she said bad romance's lyrics had to do with alfred hitchcock movies because she is a huge fan of his...

i want your psycho

your vertigo schtick

want you in my rear window

when your baby is sick (referenced to rosemary's baby)

and i honestly don't know why i have devoted this entire post to lady gaga, but i am definitely a huge gaga fan. and i heard that when she sang monster in boston, she opened up singing "boston ate my heart..." instead of "he ate my heart" and i don't know why i think that is awesometastic, [maybe cause i was just there? idk] but i do so whatev!

lol now that you think im completely insane, just go listen to alejandro if you can. it's catchy. seriously.

i didn't....

Are you feeling guilty for using hand soap as body wash in the tub because grocery shopping is long overdue? Overcome with shame because raised your voice at your kids outside church yesterday and you're pretty sure the pastor overheard you? Well don't be! Not Me! Monday was born out of MckMama's desire to admit some of her imperfections and reveal a few moments she'd rather forget.

So I decided to join in and hide my mortification behind humor and sarcasm. =)

• do 12 (more like 8) loads of laundry ALL DAY on friday just so we had clothes to take on our trip. we didn't take that many with us, but i didn't decide to wash everything(!) in the house so that i could pick and choose whatever i wanted. nooo way! not this chica!
• leave @ 3 am to head to tyler, tx with friend mels & the ladies in tow (on 0 hours of sleep. ha!) thankfully the ladies slept through the whole "let's not miss the 271 s exit and continue straight through to idabel, ok!" (which i totally knew where that was at so there was no fear that i wasn't going to get out of ok at all!)
• take the convenience store lady's advice when she said "now you go down 'bout fourth a miles that-a-ways, an' ya take yerself a right. an' ya git yerself on that 30 wayest innerstate. and ya drive til ya see tha exit that says "tyla" and ya take 'at all da way ta tyla. butchu gonna be drivin awhile now, k? an' dats all i knows." yeah, i totally didn't do that. nope. not me. (c'mon! there was NO ONE around for miles! what else was i gonna do!?)
• survive on rockstars & white cheddar popcorn *shakes head fervently* until 30 w clearly indicated that i was no longer heading in "tyla" direction because *gasp* there's totally a tyla exit! and in retrospect...i knew that cuz tyler is south and 30 was taking me, well, west. yeah. west.
• do the exact same thing coming home. but this time it wasn't because i couldn't find my exit. it was cuz i had 2 calls back to back and well, i was ON the turnpike heading towards tulsa and omgoshies for some reason got off of it @ henryetta to head to okc? was i drunk? sure i wasn't!!

in all seriousness though, i went to tex-ass this weekend. i adore texas. i wished i had gone to dallas but you know what? things happen for a reason. and i'd have spent too much money doing or buying too many things that i really didn't need (but it would have felt soooo good! how naughty is that!?)

we headed out to tyler texas to visit my friend misty. she and i go wayyyy back and she has lived there for awhile but just never made it out to see her. when she found out she was moving to alabama, i figured i better get my butt out there to see her before she left. tyler tx, i could do. odenville, al might be a little too far to go. =)
we stayed on a ranch, and my children quickly found out what it's like to have nothing to do. they hated it. i hated it because they turned into insane monsters who wanted to do something but either there was nothing to do, or it was raining. fun fun! at least now they can appreciate what they have here at the house more. i hope.

im also excited for wednesday. i get to see an old friend for dinner! yay me! i get some adult conversation! woooooot!

ok...so i will have pics as soon as i can find my cord. and i have a bedroom full of laundry that needs to be put away. =) so until later...ciao!

i suppose i should blog now, eh?

i bet you think i died.

or went on a month long sleeping binge.

or perhaps i decided to wallow around in my own self pity and forget about my lovely blog readers.

or i'm blogging on the protected site, detoxing diva.

well i've done none of those.

ok ok i did go on a laying around the house in my new pink robe

(that i bought myself for my birthday) and off and on sleeping for 1 weekend (my birthday weekend) because of some things that had gone on but you know what?

i deserved it.

i deserved it because i work hard, no matter what anyone else thinks.

because i'm a good mom and a working mother is the busiest person there is if she does it right and even busier when she doesn't!

because i've spent my life doing for others and giving and doing and it was about time i did something for me.

so here i sit, letting you know that i'm not dead. or wallowing. or sleeping. or cheat-blogging @ the closed site.

guess what i AM doing?

i am:

being a better mother

being a better worker

being more positive about myself

being active (wow 10 lbs already are you kidding me?) even though it's more like umm yeah having trouble eating...

taking care of ME. (Jax, totally took your suggestions, & you are rocktastic, woman! Thanks chica!)

writing. as in, writing again. not blogging. but writing. it is wonderful.

i'm busy! but a GOOD busy. i'm not exhaustifyingly trying to get some emotion in or out of someone who just wasn't into being emotional on any scale. i'm cleaning and going to the park and getting out with other mothers and their children (loveeee me some becks!) and am helping the girls with their homework and just basically doing all the things i'm supposed to be doing but it just feels like there's this huge heavy burden lifted right off of my shoulders and i'm unsure of what that means exactly at this moment in time but i do know that it feels GREAT!

it is so refreshing to not have to worry about what time the dishes are done and how fast they get done. to not have to worry about being so clean and perfect and exact at every moment about little tiny things!

i can breathe now. and i can dance at 6:30 am with Lady Gaga blaring while the ladies dress themselves. no more tippy-toeing around and no more shhh's! and no more my dressing the ladies because it was faster and they looked neater.

so if i'm not on here blogging it may just be because i'm happy! and happy diva doesn't know how to internalize happy and change it into sad because what sane person would do that?? diva only knows how to internalize sadness and change it into cynical & happy because that was easier than admitting i was just sad.

so. i'm here. and i'm happy. and i'm going to get back to my regularly scheduled blogging...because i now have stuff to talk about since i'm actually DOING stuff!

yay!!!!!!!!!

new moonage & the 2-9.

dinner @ napoli's

movie @ cinemark

friday night was pretty awesome for a few short hours. before the imploding texts from THE EX started.

officially entered the death year...

this might be a downer post. i just can't seem to snap out of it. and people aren't used to seeing me like this so it's a constant parade of "are you suuure you're okay?" and "what's wrong hun??"

so i posted on my facebook i was dancing around.

lie. geezus. i  lied in a facebook status. wanna know why? k, i'll tell you.

because apparently i'm not allowed to be sad.

or mad.

or upset.

or down.

or for crying out loud a little bit blue!

shouldn't a person be able to put a sad face on their status without having to display details to the world? i mean i guess i could just solve the whole issue and post this:

"is thinking that life is no longer worth living. i cannot stand this eternal darkness any longer! i'm bawling like a baby on my bed with the TV & the iPod blaring and still i feel so fucking cold and sad and moody!"  as opposed to this:

"=(" 

but then come on. shouldn't i be allowed to post a sad face? and the latter...well that's just melodramatic and  begging someone to comment. it's not that i don't LIKE people's commentating. it's more like...dude, text me if you have a question. or just leave it alone.

facebook should have an option on whether or not comments can be posted to a status message. JUST.SAYIN.

and why aren't i allowed to post my grievances??

because i'm diva, the chica that lives up to her name and is happy go lucky and nothing ever bothers her.

this is probably where the whole "you've been happy all your life" comes in to play.

i always thought i was an open book. i prided myself on how open and trusting i was with people. until i look at myself now and i see that all i have ever done in life is hide and lie about who i really am. i have always portrayed myself to be this happy person but if you all really truly knew what it was to live my childhood...

my birthday was this weekend. i have officially entered the death year. the last and final year of my 20's and i sit back and don't understand how did i get here so fast? i still feel 20! i still feel like i have all this time left before i'm 30 and um helllooo people i don't!

my goal for next year is to go to new york. take a gf with me. party like a friggin rock star and get punk ass drunk. yes. i think that should be fun.

awards: love lady gaga.
adam lambert is super creepy. that wasn't even sexy...it was more like...awkwardly snuff film worthy without the snuffing but should have been snuffed.

wbw

i promised since last week was about lady n that this week would be about lady o. she is handling things well although her temperment gets the best of her sometimes but doesn't that happen to all of us?

she is in a new classroom as of last week and is doing MUCH better in her schoolwork. she did get diagnosed with ADHD 2 weeks ago and am working towards getting her on some meds to help her focus.

lady o after her cochlear implant surgery

15 months old. 11.03

lady o for school pics.

11.09

almost 2 weeks.

friends are lovely.

since sir g and i split, i have had friends crawling out of the woodworks like crazy. i didn't realize just how cut off from friends & the world i was until now. people i thought had forgotten about me or just plain didn't care are kind of coming in from all directions. i think this is wonderful. they are helping so much, i am barely having to do anything for myself.

the girls are immeasureably calm. i have had my head butting with lady o and her rage fest has only erupted twice and both times were very brief. [thank you jesus!]

i am having a hard time sleeping. i go to bed but can't fall asleep and i've tried everything under the sun. but on the upside, i have had NO panic attacks. the familiar warning signs do pop up if the house is quiet and i hear a sound. i freeze and wonder is he looking in the windows? is he watching across the street? my therapist says this is very normal and it should last a week or so more before it gets better. i can't wait for it to get better.

i do not miss him. i don't even miss just the "being here" part. last night the girls and i spread blankets out on the livingroom floor and ate pizza and watched inspector gadget and afterwards they took baths [started their own water & everything!] and even put themselves to bed @ 8 pm [they are allowed to watch cartoons until 8:30] with no problems. sure we came close to a few spills but isn't that what the blankets/towels were for?

so i keep waking up mega late. and this sucks. grrr i hate sleeping. i miss out on so much but i suppose missing out on stuff at night is better than the girls missing the bus, sleep just needs to come. i have something on my mind on top of everything else and it's consumming wayyyy too much of my thoughts. i have to either get with it or move on from it. grrrrrrrr.

i think that is all for now. =) have a great day!

 

diva is detoxing!

my therapist has suggested that i detox my mind and body from the last 2 years of abuse that i have been experiencing. since this is an open blog, and i like the airy nature of it, i have decided to move all future "purging posts" to a separate blog: detoxing diva.

if you are interested in viewing that one, you are more than welcome to e mail me here and request to read. i will not be offended if you choose not to. i understand that alot of what i will be writing in that blog will be difficult for you to read just as much as it will be for me to write it. and i definitely understand that there are so many blogs out there to read. just wanted you all to know that it is available if you're interested.

i don't know how often i will write in there. my therapist would probably suggest once a day if i can't handle my thoughts, or more than likely a "whenever i feel like purging". the only problem with that is, i stuff everything and she *thinks* i need to stop stuffing which is why she would probably suggest once a day to take a moment and just purge.

i will still have this blog. and i want to do great things with it! thank you all for your reading, your time, and your support!!!

ps: i am going to try to respond to all comments (if i can) so bare with me. I have set up this mobile stuff so that when i get my alerts, i can try to respond immediately! this will help me to keep in touch with my readers because i know i love it when my comment is recognized!! =)

to my readers:

first & foremost i would like to thank each and every one of you who has commented on my last few posts. i have been through this before, and stupidly and blindly ended up in it again. we all want to believe the best out of people, but when push comes to shove, past behavior predicts future behavior and better safe than sorry.

i think i shall be swearing off men in my future. i don't know for how long. as long as it takes for the ladies & i to heal and move forward as mother & daughters with healthy perspectives and healthy approaches to the daily tasks that lay before us.

your comments really mean a lot to me. i really was afraid that i would feel so alone, but i haven't. many friends i wasn't even aware that cared as much as they do are stepping up and saying "how can i help you" and "what is it that you need?" that is a great feeling. especially for me, a girl with no immediate family in 1000 mile radius. sure i have an aunt that i'm not particularly close to in kansas city but she's lived there for 3 years and this is the first time i went to visit her.

there were only a small handful of people that knew what was going on. up until last week, only 2 people in my life knew details and they only found out within the last few weeks. i have known for quite some time that i could not continue this life with sir g. oh how i wanted to! i wanted to buy a house, get him his truck, his equipment, and have another child or 2. and i wanted to do that with him. but people are incomprehensible at times and emotions are toyed with and perspectives are changed and then at some point someone had to step back and say whoa. rewind! when did this happen?! how did i not realize this was going on!? 

every moment i spend without him is another moment that reaffirms to me that my decision was the best decision for myself & my girls. every day that has passed is another day without worry or fear. i have gone from a minimum of 4 panic attacks a day to none at all.

• to a special friend: your daily encouragement and your friendship means so much to me. you are unaware of how many times i was hurt, crying, devastated, or hiding in my closet when you messaged me and took me out of my pain. you and your incessant IM's helped me to get through some of the roughest days with sir g that i have ever had. you will never be able to understand how much i clung to our friendship because most days, it was all i really had. so thank you. from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much!
• to the unexpected ally @ 1 am while on my way to kansas city: you showed up out of the blue in my inbox on a day where i wasn't even sure if i wanted to respond to you. but that is my expertise and i love being a know it all and i knew you needed support and i needed something to be involved in so i could get my failing relationship out of my head. and an extraordinary thing happened! this beautiful, wonderful woman ended up being more to me in that particular time of need than i could have ever imagined. thank you for showing up. you reaffirmed to me that i did have people out there that thought about me and cared about me even though i didn't know it.

WBW

lady n has been on my mind today because she is the one who is taking this break up the easiest. i don't fully understand this, because she was sir g's bug, his little girl, his love. and she was crazy about him. she is happy and has told me many times that she is excited and glad that we aren't going to be continuing in a house always in an uproar with showers, bedtimes, and eating.

so my WBW today is going to be lady n. her birthday is in less than a month anyway, and next week i'll go find some old pics of lady o and do the same thing. =)

lady n 12.05

lady n 11.09

life continues doesn't it?

nothing can describe how i feel other than sadness & relief at the same time. i do not know when he changed, i do not know when i changed. i do not know anything at the moment except to get through this day and then get through this night and then get through the next day.

this am i was flipping through my dvr. i saw a show that was recorded last night and was about to hit "play" when i thought "sir g loves this show. i'll wait til he gets home to watch it!" and my excitement was immediately lost when i realized that he's not coming home tonight. he's not coming home ever.

this is my home now. myself & my girls. no more fear of criticism. no more fear of rejection. no more fear of being controlled.

do not get me wrong. i am not on here telling you this to bad mouth sir g. i truely did [and still do] love him. but neither of us was healthy together. we were not compatible on so many levels. who knew that the arguments would go too far? who knew that the buttons would be pushed so many times that it wore away the outsides?

i have had a few people ask me, "how can you still love him!? after all he put you through, how can you still love him and not be pissed at him?"

my answer is this:
i still love him because 6 years is a long time to make memories. some are bad, but some are good. and i have to find that happy medium so that i remind myself of why i asked him to leave but am still able to miss him and love him despite the fact that i asked him to leave.
i am not pissed because what would that accomplish? how often do we hold grudges? hold on to past hurts? where does it take us? no where. i don't want to be no where. i want to be healthy and able to teach my kids the important things in life.

in 10 years no one will remember:
how good i was at my job.
how many hours i worked overtime.
the sacrifices i made.
the hurts that i incurred.

in 10 years though, everyone will remember:
what kind of a parent i was.
what my children were like before this life-altering change.
what my children are like after this life-altering change.

sure, i live for my job and i am always readily excited about what i do. i'm incredibly superior in anything i put my mind to. but i just don't give a rat's ass anymore about what people think. life is too short to worry if they are going to awknowledge me in Macy's because I have a designer handbag or not. [i mean, i do have one, but sheesh, that's harsh!] life is too fun to live in a constant state of paranoia and even though most things that happen are preventable, being tunnelvisioned to the point where you miss everything else outside your spectrum of paranoia, can be the foundation for a life full of fear and that's just not the way i want my girls to learn how to live their lives.

so this weekend, whilst sir g was moving out, i was in kansas city, missouri visiting relatives. we formed a "let's talk bad about and make fun of [my mother's name] club" because she did the same thing to her sisters and mother that she's done to me only they are all old so it was like, centuries ago. it was laid back and fun and i really seriously thought i never wanted it to end. i also love the scarf that i am wearing in this pic. i purchased it at old navy before leaving and think it matched my shirt perfectly! i am loving scarves. why did this never occur to me before?

[From top to bottom, left to right: Aunt D, Grandmere, Diva, Aunt T, Lady N, Lady O.]

after we left aunt d's house, the girls wanted to go swimming at the hotel pool. since i didn't have a bathing suit, i went searching for one. impossible. so omw back to the hotel, i passed a jcpenney and stopped in to see what they miiiiiiiiiiiiight have.

nothing. bastards. but swimsuits are made from lycra and all that shizzz right? so i bought this superrrrcuuuuute work out outfit. yes people. it's cuuuuuuuuuute.

i totally would have worn this in the pool too, but when we got back to the hotel, the pool was out of order. again, bastards!

on our way back to the car, the girls saw these light poles and wanted to pull a "jackie on rodeo drive" so I allowed them and then texted the pics to jackie. sweet girl, even though she was in dallas having a blast, she still sent my girls a "loooove it!" text back and they were excited! (thank you jackie, you made their day!)

sunday we met up with my friend laura from high school. sweet sweet girl. and her husband evan is awesome. he was great with the girls and we ate some awesome bar-b-que at this place called BB's [it was the best barbeque ever.] and we all ordered whatever so we could chow-down all family style. mmmmmm. yummmay! then afterwards we went to the kansas city zoo and explored as much as we could. i'm thinking another trip just to do the zoo is in order in the next few months.

[playing tic tac toe.]

Kansas City Zoo:

while we were at the restaraunt, lady n accidently spilled her drink. yes, she was being wiggly. yes, she was moving around, and yes, if we'd hurried up to eat our food instead of sitting around watching the KC/Jag game [gooooo jags!] then she probably wouldn't have gotten so antsy of being in the same place for over an hour. but when she spilled it she went crazy with crying & apologizing and hid under the table. because with sir g, if you spilled a cup of anything you were in trouble. like get lectured, taken to the bathroom spanked trouble.

i calmed her down and i said "lady n, it's okay. we got napkins and we cleaned it up. accidents happen..." she cried and said "noooo, daddy says accidents are inventable! [preventable]" and looked at me like i'd lost my damn mind.

*sigh* i have a lot of re-teaching to do.