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i laugh too loud. i sing all the time. i cry easily. i've been told i have the oddest sense of humor. ever. yes, i'm the one in the movies laughing when no one else gets it. the only time i dance is for my kids. they love my "rubber dance!" remember in school when you use to shake your pencils til they looked all bendy and rubbery? yeah, it's like that! ha! i stay up late and wake up early. i see a therapist who helps keep me straight and making good decisions. i do not speak to my mother and think this is great! I am moody, opinionated, emotional, intelligent, and empathetic. i love all things girly but mostly shoes, and have a bizarre infatuation with the following: lady gaga, celine dion, stacy london, britney spears. (how the heck does that even make sense?!) oh yeah and i am addicted to my iPhone.


katy interviewed me: [ps: go check it outttt!]

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

life continues doesn't it?

nothing can describe how i feel other than sadness & relief at the same time. i do not know when he changed, i do not know when i changed. i do not know anything at the moment except to get through this day and then get through this night and then get through the next day.
this am i was flipping through my dvr. i saw a show that was recorded last night and was about to hit "play" when i thought "sir g loves this show. i'll wait til he gets home to watch it!" and my excitement was immediately lost when i realized that he's not coming home tonight. he's not coming home ever.
this is my home now. myself & my girls. no more fear of criticism. no more fear of rejection. no more fear of being controlled.
do not get me wrong. i am not on here telling you this to bad mouth sir g. i truely did [and still do] love him. but neither of us was healthy together. we were not compatible on so many levels. who knew that the arguments would go too far? who knew that the buttons would be pushed so many times that it wore away the outsides?
i have had a few people ask me, "how can you still love him!? after all he put you through, how can you still love him and not be pissed at him?"
my answer is this:
i still love him because 6 years is a long time to make memories. some are bad, but some are good. and i have to find that happy medium so that i remind myself of why i asked him to leave but am still able to miss him and love him despite the fact that i asked him to leave.
i am not pissed because what would that accomplish? how often do we hold grudges? hold on to past hurts? where does it take us? no where. i don't want to be no where. i want to be healthy and able to teach my kids the important things in life.

in 10 years no one will remember:
how good i was at my job.
how many hours i worked overtime.
the sacrifices i made.
the hurts that i incurred.

in 10 years though, everyone will remember:
what kind of a parent i was.
what my children were like before this life-altering change.
what my children are like after this life-altering change.

sure, i live for my job and i am always readily excited about what i do. i'm incredibly superior in anything i put my mind to. but i just don't give a rat's ass anymore about what people think. life is too short to worry if they are going to awknowledge me in Macy's because I have a designer handbag or not. [i mean, i do have one, but sheesh, that's harsh!] life is too fun to live in a constant state of paranoia and even though most things that happen are preventable, being tunnelvisioned to the point where you miss everything else outside your spectrum of paranoia, can be the foundation for a life full of fear and that's just not the way i want my girls to learn how to live their lives.

so this weekend, whilst sir g was moving out, i was in kansas city, missouri visiting relatives. we formed a "let's talk bad about and make fun of [my mother's name] club" because she did the same thing to her sisters and mother that she's done to me only they are all old so it was like, centuries ago. it was laid back and fun and i really seriously thought i never wanted it to end. i also love the scarf that i am wearing in this pic. i purchased it at old navy before leaving and think it matched my shirt perfectly! i am loving scarves. why did this never occur to me before?

[From top to bottom, left to right: Aunt D, Grandmere, Diva, Aunt T, Lady N, Lady O.]

after we left aunt d's house, the girls wanted to go swimming at the hotel pool. since i didn't have a bathing suit, i went searching for one. impossible. so omw back to the hotel, i passed a jcpenney and stopped in to see what they miiiiiiiiiiiiight have.
nothing. bastards. but swimsuits are made from lycra and all that shizzz right? so i bought this superrrrcuuuuute work out outfit. yes people. it's cuuuuuuuuuute.

i totally would have worn this in the pool too, but when we got back to the hotel, the pool was out of order. again, bastards!
on our way back to the car, the girls saw these light poles and wanted to pull a "jackie on rodeo drive" so I allowed them and then texted the pics to jackie. sweet girl, even though she was in dallas having a blast, she still sent my girls a "loooove it!" text back and they were excited! (thank you jackie, you made their day!)

sunday we met up with my friend laura from high school. sweet sweet girl. and her husband evan is awesome. he was great with the girls and we ate some awesome bar-b-que at this place called BB's [it was the best barbeque ever.] and we all ordered whatever so we could chow-down all family style. mmmmmm. yummmay! then afterwards we went to the kansas city zoo and explored as much as we could. i'm thinking another trip just to do the zoo is in order in the next few months.

[playing tic tac toe.]

Kansas City Zoo:

while we were at the restaraunt, lady n accidently spilled her drink. yes, she was being wiggly. yes, she was moving around, and yes, if we'd hurried up to eat our food instead of sitting around watching the KC/Jag game [gooooo jags!] then she probably wouldn't have gotten so antsy of being in the same place for over an hour. but when she spilled it she went crazy with crying & apologizing and hid under the table. because with sir g, if you spilled a cup of anything you were in trouble. like get lectured, taken to the bathroom spanked trouble.
i calmed her down and i said "lady n, it's okay. we got napkins and we cleaned it up. accidents happen..." she cried and said "noooo, daddy says accidents are inventable! [preventable]" and looked at me like i'd lost my damn mind.

*sigh* i have a lot of re-teaching to do.

9 delights:

Jenny DB said...

thanks for sharing! good thing children re-learn quickly:)

Andrea said...

Of course you still love him but realizing all the ways he was hampering and not enriching your life will make that wound heal faster...just like you are doing.

Love "Jackie on Rodeo Drive"! How cute is that?!?

Looks like a fabulous weekend away that was deserved and will be cherished for years to come. Way to turn a negative into a positive picture.

Cassie said...

Sometimes its easier to see the effect people have on others, than the effect they have on us. Way to go on having a fun-filled, restful, healing weekend.

Vickie said...

Looks like a good weekend for healing. Hope things go smoother for you and your kids.

katandkarl said...

re-teaching. i like that word! maybe for you and them? xo!

Jax said...

Girl, I had no idea he was moving out that weekend... I am so sorry.. I bet you blogged it and I somehow missed it in my hustle and bustle here at the UW, etc. :( I think you are one of the strongest people I know, in case I havent told you that enough. You are an inspiration to your girls...to me...to lots of people. The ability to walk away from a situation that had become unhealthy is something not everyone can do...let alone with as much positivity as you have.

And those pics-ADORABLE! Gah, your girls are freaking cute.. Sheesh! So glad you had a great time in KC, girl!

Anonymous said...

You are a strong lady. I know how hard it is to end a relationship or situation where you still care about the person, but it's just not for the best.

Big online hugz.

emotional diva said...

thanks guys! that means a lot!!!

jenny~yes good thing! they are so resilient! why do we ever lose that part of us when we age?? it doesn't make sense. hmmm.

andrea~yes our weekend was wonderful and it was nice to just relax and not have to be uptight all the time.

cassie~you said it right. i hate that i made the same mistake again. that i was so hung up in how in love with his "nice" side i was that i totally excused his mean side.

vickie~thank you! and i totally love your bed bugs scrapbook!! it's beautiful!

kat~yes chica. definitely for me too.

jax~i didn't tell anyone that he was moving out. i didn't know until it just happened. i am blogging about that night in my new blog. it's not going to be a fun blog, but if you want to know details then i wouldn't mind you moseying on over and reading it. it's supposed to help with the purging process to have feedback anyway. congrats on meeting your goal btw! you rock!

thatmommy~thank you for the online hugz. you are sweet & from what i have read, you definitely do know what it's like. i told you before we have a lot of the same traits. that must mean you are one helluva lady!

Stacia said...

I promise they relearn quickly, Jacob was 7 when I left the abuse for good!