new moonage & the 2-9.

dinner @ napoli's

movie @ cinemark

friday night was pretty awesome for a few short hours. before the imploding texts from THE EX started.

officially entered the death year...

this might be a downer post. i just can't seem to snap out of it. and people aren't used to seeing me like this so it's a constant parade of "are you suuure you're okay?" and "what's wrong hun??"

so i posted on my facebook i was dancing around.

lie. geezus. i  lied in a facebook status. wanna know why? k, i'll tell you.

because apparently i'm not allowed to be sad.

or mad.

or upset.

or down.

or for crying out loud a little bit blue!

shouldn't a person be able to put a sad face on their status without having to display details to the world? i mean i guess i could just solve the whole issue and post this:

"is thinking that life is no longer worth living. i cannot stand this eternal darkness any longer! i'm bawling like a baby on my bed with the TV & the iPod blaring and still i feel so fucking cold and sad and moody!"  as opposed to this:

"=(" 

but then come on. shouldn't i be allowed to post a sad face? and the latter...well that's just melodramatic and  begging someone to comment. it's not that i don't LIKE people's commentating. it's more like...dude, text me if you have a question. or just leave it alone.

facebook should have an option on whether or not comments can be posted to a status message. JUST.SAYIN.

and why aren't i allowed to post my grievances??

because i'm diva, the chica that lives up to her name and is happy go lucky and nothing ever bothers her.

this is probably where the whole "you've been happy all your life" comes in to play.

i always thought i was an open book. i prided myself on how open and trusting i was with people. until i look at myself now and i see that all i have ever done in life is hide and lie about who i really am. i have always portrayed myself to be this happy person but if you all really truly knew what it was to live my childhood...

my birthday was this weekend. i have officially entered the death year. the last and final year of my 20's and i sit back and don't understand how did i get here so fast? i still feel 20! i still feel like i have all this time left before i'm 30 and um helllooo people i don't!

my goal for next year is to go to new york. take a gf with me. party like a friggin rock star and get punk ass drunk. yes. i think that should be fun.

awards: love lady gaga.
adam lambert is super creepy. that wasn't even sexy...it was more like...awkwardly snuff film worthy without the snuffing but should have been snuffed.

wbw

i promised since last week was about lady n that this week would be about lady o. she is handling things well although her temperment gets the best of her sometimes but doesn't that happen to all of us?

she is in a new classroom as of last week and is doing MUCH better in her schoolwork. she did get diagnosed with ADHD 2 weeks ago and am working towards getting her on some meds to help her focus.

lady o after her cochlear implant surgery

15 months old. 11.03

lady o for school pics.

11.09

almost 2 weeks.

friends are lovely.

since sir g and i split, i have had friends crawling out of the woodworks like crazy. i didn't realize just how cut off from friends & the world i was until now. people i thought had forgotten about me or just plain didn't care are kind of coming in from all directions. i think this is wonderful. they are helping so much, i am barely having to do anything for myself.

the girls are immeasureably calm. i have had my head butting with lady o and her rage fest has only erupted twice and both times were very brief. [thank you jesus!]

i am having a hard time sleeping. i go to bed but can't fall asleep and i've tried everything under the sun. but on the upside, i have had NO panic attacks. the familiar warning signs do pop up if the house is quiet and i hear a sound. i freeze and wonder is he looking in the windows? is he watching across the street? my therapist says this is very normal and it should last a week or so more before it gets better. i can't wait for it to get better.

i do not miss him. i don't even miss just the "being here" part. last night the girls and i spread blankets out on the livingroom floor and ate pizza and watched inspector gadget and afterwards they took baths [started their own water & everything!] and even put themselves to bed @ 8 pm [they are allowed to watch cartoons until 8:30] with no problems. sure we came close to a few spills but isn't that what the blankets/towels were for?

so i keep waking up mega late. and this sucks. grrr i hate sleeping. i miss out on so much but i suppose missing out on stuff at night is better than the girls missing the bus, sleep just needs to come. i have something on my mind on top of everything else and it's consumming wayyyy too much of my thoughts. i have to either get with it or move on from it. grrrrrrrr.

i think that is all for now. =) have a great day!

 

diva is detoxing!

my therapist has suggested that i detox my mind and body from the last 2 years of abuse that i have been experiencing. since this is an open blog, and i like the airy nature of it, i have decided to move all future "purging posts" to a separate blog: detoxing diva.

if you are interested in viewing that one, you are more than welcome to e mail me here and request to read. i will not be offended if you choose not to. i understand that alot of what i will be writing in that blog will be difficult for you to read just as much as it will be for me to write it. and i definitely understand that there are so many blogs out there to read. just wanted you all to know that it is available if you're interested.

i don't know how often i will write in there. my therapist would probably suggest once a day if i can't handle my thoughts, or more than likely a "whenever i feel like purging". the only problem with that is, i stuff everything and she *thinks* i need to stop stuffing which is why she would probably suggest once a day to take a moment and just purge.

i will still have this blog. and i want to do great things with it! thank you all for your reading, your time, and your support!!!

ps: i am going to try to respond to all comments (if i can) so bare with me. I have set up this mobile stuff so that when i get my alerts, i can try to respond immediately! this will help me to keep in touch with my readers because i know i love it when my comment is recognized!! =)

to my readers:

first & foremost i would like to thank each and every one of you who has commented on my last few posts. i have been through this before, and stupidly and blindly ended up in it again. we all want to believe the best out of people, but when push comes to shove, past behavior predicts future behavior and better safe than sorry.

i think i shall be swearing off men in my future. i don't know for how long. as long as it takes for the ladies & i to heal and move forward as mother & daughters with healthy perspectives and healthy approaches to the daily tasks that lay before us.

your comments really mean a lot to me. i really was afraid that i would feel so alone, but i haven't. many friends i wasn't even aware that cared as much as they do are stepping up and saying "how can i help you" and "what is it that you need?" that is a great feeling. especially for me, a girl with no immediate family in 1000 mile radius. sure i have an aunt that i'm not particularly close to in kansas city but she's lived there for 3 years and this is the first time i went to visit her.

there were only a small handful of people that knew what was going on. up until last week, only 2 people in my life knew details and they only found out within the last few weeks. i have known for quite some time that i could not continue this life with sir g. oh how i wanted to! i wanted to buy a house, get him his truck, his equipment, and have another child or 2. and i wanted to do that with him. but people are incomprehensible at times and emotions are toyed with and perspectives are changed and then at some point someone had to step back and say whoa. rewind! when did this happen?! how did i not realize this was going on!? 

every moment i spend without him is another moment that reaffirms to me that my decision was the best decision for myself & my girls. every day that has passed is another day without worry or fear. i have gone from a minimum of 4 panic attacks a day to none at all.

• to a special friend: your daily encouragement and your friendship means so much to me. you are unaware of how many times i was hurt, crying, devastated, or hiding in my closet when you messaged me and took me out of my pain. you and your incessant IM's helped me to get through some of the roughest days with sir g that i have ever had. you will never be able to understand how much i clung to our friendship because most days, it was all i really had. so thank you. from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much!
• to the unexpected ally @ 1 am while on my way to kansas city: you showed up out of the blue in my inbox on a day where i wasn't even sure if i wanted to respond to you. but that is my expertise and i love being a know it all and i knew you needed support and i needed something to be involved in so i could get my failing relationship out of my head. and an extraordinary thing happened! this beautiful, wonderful woman ended up being more to me in that particular time of need than i could have ever imagined. thank you for showing up. you reaffirmed to me that i did have people out there that thought about me and cared about me even though i didn't know it.

WBW

lady n has been on my mind today because she is the one who is taking this break up the easiest. i don't fully understand this, because she was sir g's bug, his little girl, his love. and she was crazy about him. she is happy and has told me many times that she is excited and glad that we aren't going to be continuing in a house always in an uproar with showers, bedtimes, and eating.

so my WBW today is going to be lady n. her birthday is in less than a month anyway, and next week i'll go find some old pics of lady o and do the same thing. =)

lady n 12.05

lady n 11.09

life continues doesn't it?

nothing can describe how i feel other than sadness & relief at the same time. i do not know when he changed, i do not know when i changed. i do not know anything at the moment except to get through this day and then get through this night and then get through the next day.

this am i was flipping through my dvr. i saw a show that was recorded last night and was about to hit "play" when i thought "sir g loves this show. i'll wait til he gets home to watch it!" and my excitement was immediately lost when i realized that he's not coming home tonight. he's not coming home ever.

this is my home now. myself & my girls. no more fear of criticism. no more fear of rejection. no more fear of being controlled.

do not get me wrong. i am not on here telling you this to bad mouth sir g. i truely did [and still do] love him. but neither of us was healthy together. we were not compatible on so many levels. who knew that the arguments would go too far? who knew that the buttons would be pushed so many times that it wore away the outsides?

i have had a few people ask me, "how can you still love him!? after all he put you through, how can you still love him and not be pissed at him?"

my answer is this:
i still love him because 6 years is a long time to make memories. some are bad, but some are good. and i have to find that happy medium so that i remind myself of why i asked him to leave but am still able to miss him and love him despite the fact that i asked him to leave.
i am not pissed because what would that accomplish? how often do we hold grudges? hold on to past hurts? where does it take us? no where. i don't want to be no where. i want to be healthy and able to teach my kids the important things in life.

in 10 years no one will remember:
how good i was at my job.
how many hours i worked overtime.
the sacrifices i made.
the hurts that i incurred.

in 10 years though, everyone will remember:
what kind of a parent i was.
what my children were like before this life-altering change.
what my children are like after this life-altering change.

sure, i live for my job and i am always readily excited about what i do. i'm incredibly superior in anything i put my mind to. but i just don't give a rat's ass anymore about what people think. life is too short to worry if they are going to awknowledge me in Macy's because I have a designer handbag or not. [i mean, i do have one, but sheesh, that's harsh!] life is too fun to live in a constant state of paranoia and even though most things that happen are preventable, being tunnelvisioned to the point where you miss everything else outside your spectrum of paranoia, can be the foundation for a life full of fear and that's just not the way i want my girls to learn how to live their lives.

so this weekend, whilst sir g was moving out, i was in kansas city, missouri visiting relatives. we formed a "let's talk bad about and make fun of [my mother's name] club" because she did the same thing to her sisters and mother that she's done to me only they are all old so it was like, centuries ago. it was laid back and fun and i really seriously thought i never wanted it to end. i also love the scarf that i am wearing in this pic. i purchased it at old navy before leaving and think it matched my shirt perfectly! i am loving scarves. why did this never occur to me before?

[From top to bottom, left to right: Aunt D, Grandmere, Diva, Aunt T, Lady N, Lady O.]

after we left aunt d's house, the girls wanted to go swimming at the hotel pool. since i didn't have a bathing suit, i went searching for one. impossible. so omw back to the hotel, i passed a jcpenney and stopped in to see what they miiiiiiiiiiiiight have.

nothing. bastards. but swimsuits are made from lycra and all that shizzz right? so i bought this superrrrcuuuuute work out outfit. yes people. it's cuuuuuuuuuute.

i totally would have worn this in the pool too, but when we got back to the hotel, the pool was out of order. again, bastards!

on our way back to the car, the girls saw these light poles and wanted to pull a "jackie on rodeo drive" so I allowed them and then texted the pics to jackie. sweet girl, even though she was in dallas having a blast, she still sent my girls a "loooove it!" text back and they were excited! (thank you jackie, you made their day!)

sunday we met up with my friend laura from high school. sweet sweet girl. and her husband evan is awesome. he was great with the girls and we ate some awesome bar-b-que at this place called BB's [it was the best barbeque ever.] and we all ordered whatever so we could chow-down all family style. mmmmmm. yummmay! then afterwards we went to the kansas city zoo and explored as much as we could. i'm thinking another trip just to do the zoo is in order in the next few months.

[playing tic tac toe.]

Kansas City Zoo:

while we were at the restaraunt, lady n accidently spilled her drink. yes, she was being wiggly. yes, she was moving around, and yes, if we'd hurried up to eat our food instead of sitting around watching the KC/Jag game [gooooo jags!] then she probably wouldn't have gotten so antsy of being in the same place for over an hour. but when she spilled it she went crazy with crying & apologizing and hid under the table. because with sir g, if you spilled a cup of anything you were in trouble. like get lectured, taken to the bathroom spanked trouble.

i calmed her down and i said "lady n, it's okay. we got napkins and we cleaned it up. accidents happen..." she cried and said "noooo, daddy says accidents are inventable! [preventable]" and looked at me like i'd lost my damn mind.

*sigh* i have a lot of re-teaching to do.

because it's time.

i am typing today as a new person. or, working on becoming a new person. i just took a huge step towards becoming healthy. some friends that i have helped in that, and i thank those few people if they read this. they know who they are. and what they did for me. and in this emotional turmoil, i sit and wonder where do i go from here?

i'll tell you where:

i will teach my ladies

• that it is OK to spill a drink. because not all accidents are preventable. and accidents do happen. and it's okay. it's what we do with those accidents and how we handle them that's important.
• that it is NOT OK to let a man hit you. beat you. break you. criticize you. so that they do not make the same mistake that i made twice over. so that they don't have to feel beaten down in every way by someone that is supposed to love you.
• that even though some people use sorry in the wrong way, that not every sorry is robotic and sarcastic. that they are allowed to forgive people and be okay with just accepting the apology for what it is.
• to be strong women. who stand up for what they believe in and don't let anyone tell them that they aren't good enough or smart enough to accomplish their dreams.
• to be compassionate and open to other's beliefs even if it means putting their own on the backburner to just hear what other people are saying.

this new road is going to be very odd. i have not been single in many many years. this is new territory for me. but i will survive it. i will make it. and i will embrace this freedom with everything i have.

 

my hump day dump

screw it. i'm dumping today.

i tried to write a post for not me monday. and i tried to write a post for random tuesday thoughts. even got out the timer.

no such luck.

i have had a sore week. my heart is sore. my head is sore. my mind is sore. i got a friend in trouble on accident. i have some stuff going on that i can't talk about yet because i don't know what's going to happen. and then yesterday i find out that lady o's teacher is verbally and emotionally abusing her and you know what?

that shit does not fly with me.

so now i'm in the process of trying to get her moved to another classroom but the freaking principal isn't in the office today so she has to make do in a classroom where she DOESN'T feel safe or accepted and what does that say about me?! sending her to school to be screamed and yelled at simply because she isn't like other kids.

lady o can't fall behind. she can't get back on track in a normal amount of time. i didn't spend the last 7 years of her life doing massive auditory verbal therapy and make good use out of her implants so that she could be smacked down from some stuck in the same grade teaching the same shit to the same age of kids teacher. when she started school this year she was confident and she held her head high. she was full of so much vibrance. this last month has taken it's toll on her and her grades.

is lady o high maintenance? yes she is.

is that her fault? no, it's not.

should she be punished for that? HELL to he N-O!