WBW

so last night at the last minute lady o came home from school telling me that she had a choir performance. now I check her back pack every.afternoon. and i know that in the last 2 weeks i have not had a letter home telling me anything about a choir performance. *le sigh* so i hustled to get the house ready for today, said good bye to my last client, and left lady n with sir g [because let's face it...lady n can't calm herself down long enough to sit through anything that doesn't revolve around her. heh.] and flitted across the street for a performance of nursery rhymes.

she did great. she even played the xylophone (perfectly i might add) as a solo at the end of one of the songs. wtg livi! afterwards we went to an all you can eat rib dinner at rib crib. [because ribs are delicioso!]

here's WBW:



This is back in November of 2006, at the Ripley's Believe it or Not Museum/Aquarium in Sevierville, TN. We were on vacation to visit my sister Rachel. lady n is laughing screaming because she did not like the "Boney Men!" and lady o isn't afraid of the Pirates, she's slipping off the cannon!

ready to spill...pt 1

it has been quite a summer. the pain is gone now. the meds have helped a ton with my anxiety. my ptsd is easier to manage with my talk therapy.

anyone who knows me in "real life" knows what kind of relationship i have with my mother. it was hanging by a thread. this summer, that thread was yanked out and fell in a huge knotted heap on the ground. i have had to cut ties with my mother completely. with my father. with my brother & his wife & son. i envy those of you who have good parents and are close with your siblings. i do not have that. i will never have that.

my parents came for a week in june. they decided that instead of sticking to the plan, they were going to go with their own flow. but on my dime. my time with my parents, to try to heal past hurts, move on from those things, and forage a future, were interrupted repeatedly by my brother and his meddlesome wife.

my brother was always the favorite. always chosen over me. he did something wrong, i got the blame-and the beating-for it. i protected him in hopes that he would one day realize all i did and love me like normal brothers and sisters love each other. sadly, this was to not be the case. he showed his true colors...just as my mother and father did.

my mother screamed at me. every day she was here. she was in my face. she smacked me across the face with a spatula. she screamed at my assistant. she screamed at me in front of my assistant, in front of my clients, and in front of my charges. she stomped outside slamming my doors and paced up and down my driveway screaming "in tongues" to the point where my neighbors were calling/texting me to alert me of a senile vagrant ranting and raving outside my house and should they call the police.

they repeatedly chose to go to my brother's apartment. to have dinner with them after i worked all day at making a good meal while working full time. they came here on my dime, to spend time with my kids, their GRANDCHILDREN, and they never kept their word to them about going to the zoo, the aquarium, etc. they cancelled on my 5 and 7 year old to see their 26 year old son. who didn't even know they were coming to town until the day before they arrived. if i mentioned anything about making dinner for that night, i was responded in a rude ungreatful manner and myself and my family were cast to the side. apparently all i was good for to my parents was a way to get them here to dote on my brother and his family.

this continued and did not let up the entire 7 days. i felt like i was going insane. on top of everything else going on in my life, i finally see 100% that my parents do not love me. at all. they don't care about what i have done for them. what i did for them. the sacrifices that i made for them. they do not care. so the day they went home i took my parents to the airport and this transpired:

MOM: "come on, i know it was a rough 7 days but i still had a great time! why can't you give your ol' mom a hug goodbye?"
ME: "a rough 7 days? the only time you had a great time was when i was spending my money on YOU! only a rough 7 days? are you kidding me? mother, it's time for me to set it straight. i learned a lot these 7 days. i learned more than i ever wanted to know about you, but i learned everything i needed to know about myself. and i learned that i am in control of my life and the drama and chaos that surrounds it. i choose who's life affects me. and your drama, your chaos, is not something i want in my life. not anymore."

i grabbed my kids and got in the car. i had brought them with me because i knew i was going to be saying goodbye to my mother for the very last time. with her dramatic ways, i knew it would be a scene and i didn't want any reason to have to stick around. true to her colors, she began screaming my name, limping to the middle of the drop off zone at the airport. she dropped to her knees screaming and wailing my name so loudly that security could be seen through my sideview mirrors running out into the street.

she called me a million times that day. i did not answer. she continued this for days, to the point where i had my phone on silent all the time because every time the phone rang, i froze in fear that it was her. she left umpteen messages. first starting out quiet and demure, then ending with "what a bitch i am and how stuck up i'd become. how i'd gotten my own business, got a few labels, and what the fuck happened to me? i thought i was better than anyone else." still, i didn't respond. when that didn't work she began texting me. she did this for weeks, leaving texts of worried about me, wanting to hear from me. etc...then started the "you're a bitch" campaign, ringing on my BB until 4 am. then when that stopped working (see below for the reason that stopped) she began leaving little "digs" on messenger services like yahoo and msn. "i don't really give a rat's ass that you aren't talking to me anymore, i'm more worried about what you are telling your friends!" (to which i'm like what the fuck does that matter? none of my friends know you! i mean, that totally made no sense, right?)

finally at 3 am a week and a half later, after talking to my therapist i sent 1 text to her.

"mother, i would appreciate it if you would please give me some space. i am still trying to process your visit here. let me contact you when i am ready to. as of right now, there is nothing that i want or need to say to you. i will not respond to anymore texts, voicemails, ims, etc."

she didn't respond and finally it stopped. i heard nothing from her...but about 2 weeks later, my world was again turned upside down.

...to be continued...

supposedly...

I'm A Slut Because Guys Look At My Boobs.

I'm A Bitch Because I Dont Let You Push Me Around.

I'm A Liar Because I Wont Tell You Everything.

I'm Stupid Because Sometimes I Make Bad Decisions.

I'm Ugly Because I'm Not A Size 8.

I'm A Whore Because Your Boyfriend Can Have An Intelligent Conversation With Me.

I'm Annoying Because I'm Not Chill Enough.

I'm A Loser Because I'm Not Friends With Your Group.

I'm Fake Because I Don't Always Tell You When I'm Sad.

I'm Weird Because I'm Not Like You.

I'm Controlling Because I Know What I'm Talking About.

I'm Clingy Because I Like To Be Around People.

I'm Greedy Because I Like To Be Satisfied.

I'm Conceited Because I'm Proud Of Who I've Become.

I'm Unappreciative Because I Don't Praise You For Every Little Thing.

Dont Try To Tell Me Who I Am, Because I Already Know.

affliction.

pain is something i know a lot about. i don't know normal pain much...like a stubbed toe or a skinned knee. but i know the pain that leaves scars that no one can see. i know the pain that i have gone through the past few months that left me in such emotional turmoil that i haven't been able to pick up the pieces completely. i am working on it. but it's just exactly that...a work in progress.

i was supposed to go see my parents over the summer, but had a bad feeling about the visit so i cancelled the trip. (there was a reunion & get together with ppl from my old high school) my kids were so upset that gabe and i decided to have my parents come visit us instead. i thought this would be the perfect way to maybe fix some things that were going on between myself and my mother and father.

didn't happen. at all. as a matter of fact what transpired over the 7 days of sheer hell i can't even talk about right now because it is so hurtful. it is why i needed this place to vent. this place to try to make sense of this mess. maybe even to heal.

amidst the screaming and the name calling and the obvious way i was being treated, there was only one thing i could do instead of fall screaming and crying into a fetile position on the floor:
call a therapist. i loved my therapist from my marriage/divorce. she was my rock. she helped me so much. so i gave her a ring (this was the day before my parents left) and we planned to meet the day after my parents went back home.

i sat in her office for 2.5 hours and cried and just spewed forth the multitude of despair and hurt and angst that i had. i know i didn't make much sense to myself, but she seemed to be able to hear and sort through the sounds and meanings and reasons for my affliction.

when all is said and done, i felt better but things didn't get better with my family. i was harassed, accosted, belittled, and treated with a multitude of other types of aggressive behavior that was inappropriate and rude. all this broke me down immensely. mainly because this was my family! my mother, father, and brother & his wife. i felt like i was having a nervous breakdown. things weren't going so hot here at my house, then my parents pull their BS, my brother starts pulling his BS, the kids were acting up, and i felt like i spent so much time investing in people who didn't think i was important enough to warrant being invested back into.

this summer has taught me a lot. a lot about pain. a lot about my family. a lot about who is important and who isn't. but most of all, a lot about myself.

manual of life.

life is complex and rather annoying. i'm sure most of you realize or at least awknowledge this. if you don't then you're just...well...oblivious or something to that effect.

manuals would have been a nice ditty at birth. of all the things you are supposed to say, should have said, should have done. that way when your best friend's boyfriend is seen only by you sneaking off with another chic, you can go to page 896 of your manual, section 4 where it talks about what to do when you catch your best friend's boyfriend cheating.

then you don't have that whole gut wrenching war of the mind: omg. should i tell her? no, it'll hurt her. i can't hurt her. what do i do? she'll get mad. she won't believe me. yah. the anxiety that comes with that can't be good. or healthy.

instead of a nice neat manual, we get to forage through this life taking what we get and getting what we take. some of us earn it, some of us already have it. either way, it's like we are all walking in different directions along the same strip of sidewalk. we have to shove, force, elbow, shoulder, and/or head butt our way through the crowd. if we don't do that then we get knocked down and stepped on because everyone is pretty much only worried about what happens in their own world.

and it does no good trying to leave a manual behind for the masses. it's not like anyone would read it and learn something from it. no two lives are alike. one person may have decided "she was a beautiful ray of sunshine, so i just had to go talk to her..." while another person, trying to follow the manual left, just can't go talk to the girl because his personality is different.
if manuals were available, would we use them anyway? i mean, how many people decide that they're going to put the exercise machine together anyway because it looks like a piece of cake?? how many people toss away the manuals to things as common as a camera, or can opener? would we treat a manual of life in the same fashion?

i'd like to think not. but the fact of the matter is, very few of us would use a life manual. most would only use it for the important things like when a friend loses a loved one or when the boyfriend is being an ass. maybe there'd be something valuable in there like "help with SATs." or "etiquette for the idiot." some would thumb through those i suppose.
maybe there isn't a life manual because people would totally trash it and do what they want anyway. then there's a screw up and they can't fix it per the manual.

and in that moment of despair, they wish for a manual that doesn't exist. because now they have to figure it out for themselves. and that...well...it just takes too much time and hurts too damn much.

my best [internet] friend.

i have found friendship in the weirdest of places.

in the midst of my struggle to break free of my past, one person has been there ever.freaking.day. for me. i will forever be in her debt for the kindness she has shown me. for the patience she has displayed. for the sisterly love that she has bestowed upon my aching, breaking heart.

kelli, my best [internet] friend forever (aka: biff!), has been wonderful! i am so lucky to have someone like her in my day to day bbm-ing life. she has shown me that you don't have to be in constant physical contact with someone just to know them in and out. as it is, kelli and i have never met in real life. i hope to amend that the first chance given but for now, i just wanted to stop for a moment and say:

Thank You from the bottom of my heart kelli. you are truly amazing.

diagnosis.

so i broke down in my therapist's office tonight. some massive things happened over the weekend. with the drama from my mother and brother (still not ready to go into details on that...yet.) and the drama with garland, i just broke down and totally completely let loose.

my diagnosis:

• extreme anxiety.
• post traumatic stress disorder.

i will elaborate on those in a later post. however, my therapist is prescribing me a new medication called pristic. yes, it is an anti-depressant but has actually gotten rave reviews and great feedback to combat both of the above diagnosis. i will let you know how it goes. i'm supposed to see a brightening of spirit within 5-7 days and have been told that i will not notice any significant changes, but that sir g will definitely notice.

hello, i am mary horowitz.

my entire life i knew i was different. odd. weird. different sense of humor. different sense of being. i never felt like i belonged anywhere. with anyone. i still feel that way in a lot of areas. i don't have many friends and the ones i do have don't contact me...it's always me contacting them. it's always 1-sided with me. and when i try to reach out to aquaintances, i seem to only get polite responses back. or no response. it makes me feel lost. am i needy? do i come off that way? maybe it's just that they already have their "people" in their life and they don't need another friend/person.

when i was little i played mostly to myself. my sisters were much older, my brother was not anywhere near interested in being social. i was too young to have many friends and my mother didn't keep house well so i was forbidden to invite neighborhood friends to our home. it was cluttered and unkempt, infested with roaches and a messy smelly dog that got more attention than i ever did. i'd play in my room or annoy my sisters, subconciously pleading for someone to give me their time. i poured my heart and soul into others, hoping they'd see how awesome i was so that they'd like me or want to spend time with me.

i remember spending a lot of time in the bathroom after everyone would fall asleep. i'd line their pictures up on the mirror and i'd turn my head this way and that way...trying to figure out who i looked like. i looked like no one. i felt so lost and so alone.

so i did what i thought any normal kid would do when they don't understand something. i smiled. i pretended. and i got so use to doing this that my mask eventually attached itself to me and i wore it everywhere i went. and my mask felt good, because i felt nothing.

lois

remember the mom from the show malcolm in the middle? you know how every episode she freaked out and screamed and yelled and was always whining and complaining and cursing people and a total freak? well that was my mother. only she didn't work. she wasn't "average" sized. she wasn't even really that pretty to be honest.
do not misunderstand. i do not HATE my mother. disappointed, yes. hate, no. i shall list all the things my mother did growing up for you. mind you, this is not an embellisment nor is it an exaggeration. this was my life growing up. and i hated it.

My mother...

• yelled. all the time. she never spoke. speaking was foreign to her. unless someone not in our family was around.
  
• hit. all the time. she never spanked, she beat: cord, hand, belt, hanger, newspaper. whatever was nearest to her when she got angry. and she kept on until she felt better. or got worn out. then she'd yell at us to "dry it up!"
  
• watched TV. her couch was her haven. the TV was on all day every day and even into the late hours of the night. we knew better than to talk to her when a "show" was on, it would lead to yelling and spanking...of course when commercials came she would yell and spank, but not during the show.
  
• was lazy. and still is. she told us more than once, in a non-joking tone, she had children so they could cater to her and do things for her. one time when i was 8, she had me boil her some tea and make it for her because she was watching her alltime favorite show! and didn't want to get up to make it herself. when i spilled the whole pitcher on the floor of the kitchen, [hell-oooo i was 8! it was heavy!] she went into a rage and switched my legs while making me clean it up. myself. it was hot. i have the scar from the burn on the inside of my arm to show for it. but when her show came back on, she'd be right back on her couch, watching it, on commercials, she'd continue yelling.
  
• did not hug. she isn't a hugger. not then. not now. everytime i climbed into her lap to hug her, she'd say it's too hot get off me, or don't you have someone else to play with, or my favorite...go play with your dad, my show is on.
  
• was impatient. and still is this, too. she had no time for us kids. she refused to make the time. we bored her. she said more than once that she should never have had kids because she didn't have the patience for them. i agree. we're all fucked up now.
  
• lied. all the time. she can't help it. it's her nature. she was always mucking something up to make it dramatic or to screw other people up. to make her look good. i thought everything she said was the truth. now...i know everything she says is only a fraction of the truth. a small minute fraction.
  
• is selfish. she only thinks of herself. she is always whining and complaining and has a multitude of excuses of why this or that wasn't done/said/etc...
  
• is a hypocrite. she claims she is christian, but does more talking than she does walking.
  
• is dramatic. she flies off the handle and uses her handicap as a crutch. i really dislike people that do that. everything is sooooooo much worse when it happens to her.
  

these are only a few that i can name off the top of my head of what i remember about my mom and what i know of how she acts now. she hasn't changed much. in fact, i think she only isn't as bad because there are no children in her house to care for. i can tell you this now though: if something happens to me, she sure as hell isn't getting my kids.

unspecial

this green eyed monstrosity
it eats at my thoughts, in the dark recesses of my mind
how can it be so thick, it permeates the air
family should not wait
friendship should be:
- more understanding
- more two sided than one
- more friendly.