this will probably be a long post.

there are many many things i haven't done this week. daily blogging is one of them. i know this sounds horrible, but i was still under the impression that the interview i did on yaya [notice the orange?...yes for her! lol!!] still had to be done by wednesday, otherwise i'd have never taken the moment to post it! and random tuesday was too good a post to miss out on!

last friday was a  horrible day. i woke up late, tried to be ok, and honestly for the first time in whenever i fought falling asleep during my morning routine. thank goodness i have a long lunch break. around 2:30 i took some vitamin c and all seemed right with the world again. at least on the outside. on the inside, my heart was breaking. all.day.long. thank you extends to kelli, for being there for me all day the day before and all day friday because lord knows i was not my normal self those 2 days.

7 years ago friday, my beloved grandmother ["momo"] passed. she was a delightful woman with eyes that filled to the brim with love, patience, & kindness. she was my rock all those years when i felt like such an outsider in my own family. her death hit me hard and even though people say time heals all wounds, i don't believe that is entirely true. yes, the pain lessens [or does it?] or becomes numb, but the wound is never completely healed.

momo & lady o 2002

i pass her photos that line my hallway and i remember her so clearly like she was just here and sometimes i smile a bittersweet smile as memories flood my mind and sometimes i tear up. sometimes i have to take the pictures down. sometimes i have to turn them around just for that moment so that when i pass by again, i won't be tempted to stand there in a nostalgia that seems to encompass my entire existence.

amazing tidbits about momo:

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  she fought breast cancer 3 separate times - and won. she lost both her breasts during the battle and spent the remainder of her life with a mastectomy bra.
  
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  she endured a mean head case of a man for years, even throughout her illness.
  
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  she made an awesome batch of homemade biscuits of which i still have trouble replicating. sometimes i get it allllmost right and other times i'm totally off course.
  
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  she loved romance novels. and fabio. it was hilarious how in love with fabio my dear sweet momo was.
  
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  she was a diabetic and gave herself shots daily. when i was younger, she taught me how to give her the shots and remember being horrified at causing her any type of pain or discomfort. even one she was accustomed to.
  
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  she was selfless.
  
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  she loved me endlessly. even though i am not her biological granddaughter, she had that look in her eye for me that said without a doubt that the word biological never even needed a reference. it didn't matter to her.
  
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  she let me bang on her piano [i play by ear, can't read notes for anything!] for as long as i needed to! usually i'd catch her turning her hearing aids wayyyy down yet still holler out every couple of moments "keep up the good work bella!" "sounds great, belle!" or some variation.
  
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  she was super supportive. whether your decision was good or not, she supported you. all that mattered to her was that you were happy doing what you were doing and she needed to know nothing more than that.
  
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  she read all the time. any books she happened upon that had the name "anna" in it [papa's mistress] she would cross out with a marker. every time she read the name. when she was done reading it, she'd burn the book. but she didn't burn the book that she was reading when she found out about papa & anna. it sat on her shelf with many scratched out pages.
  

lady n @ momo's gravesite. 2006.

dear momo~

i remember every drive we ever took to your house. it makes me cry that they tore it down. changed the numbers on it, renamed the street. i drove by a few years ago and had to go strictly on memory and even then second guessed myself until i finally recognized the old shed wayyyy in the woods in the back. i drove by time after time, looking for a glimpse of what once was. and my heart sank. there was none.

when you were sick, and i wasn't allowed to see you, i thought i was going to burst with missing you so badly! then when you got home and we were allowed to see you, i was shocked and horrified when i saw that you had a "fake boob" and couldn't figure out what that jagged, pinkish-red line was across the left side of your chest.

i'm sorry i never came up there and saved you from the moochers that set up their living quarters in your guest bedroom. that i never stopped papa from breaking your containers that housed all of the perfect sand dollars we spent countless hours [and years] searching for on the beach, hand & hand. i'm sorry that i didn't call more, write more, or run away and come live with you like i wanted to so many times. i'm sorry that i wasn't there when you passed. i heard that you weren't yourself, that you were in pain so intense that you could hardly breathe without crying out and that the morphine dose was so high that you did nothing but sleep.

when you look down on me, are you proud? do you wish that i had gone a different route in life? did you know that i was there a month before you died? did you hear the stories i read to you? the songs i sang to you? did they help you, soothe you, or annoy you? as i sit here and type this, i am in tears because there was so much time taken away. you didn't get to meet lady n, and you didn't get to see the amazing transformation that lady o went through with her surgery, her activation, and her speech expanding month by month.

whenever anyone asks me who made the biggest difference in my life, who is my real-life hero, i will always say YOU. you were the only one who ever made me feel like i belonged, like i mattered, like i was a part of your family. who knew that the only person in my family that would be the biggest love and validation of my life would be you. who knew that you would survive breast cancer 3 times to succumb to colon cancer 5 years later? who knew that even in death, you, a shy quiet girl from alabama, would make an impact.

i miss you every day.

love,

your belle