...diva...

My photo
midwest
i laugh too loud. i sing all the time. i cry easily. i've been told i have the oddest sense of humor. ever. yes, i'm the one in the movies laughing when no one else gets it. the only time i dance is for my kids. they love my "rubber dance!" remember in school when you use to shake your pencils til they looked all bendy and rubbery? yeah, it's like that! ha! i stay up late and wake up early. i see a therapist who helps keep me straight and making good decisions. i do not speak to my mother and think this is great! I am moody, opinionated, emotional, intelligent, and empathetic. i love all things girly but mostly shoes, and have a bizarre infatuation with the following: lady gaga, celine dion, stacy london, britney spears. (how the heck does that even make sense?!) oh yeah and i am addicted to my iPhone.

YES I AM ALREADY MADLY AWAITING BREAKING DAWN!!!!

katy interviewed me: [ps: go check it outttt!]

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

sister blister

there is only 1 sibling that i talk to out of 3 siblings. but we didn't always talk. we didn't always know each other. in fact, i didn't even know her favorite color was "rust" until last year. or that her favorite ice cream was "she doesn't like ice cream."

she too is estranged from our family. she was the first to become estranged. and she has taught me alot about myself this past summer. we'll call her rae. and she is child #2. (i'm 3, the brother is 4, and an eldest sister was the first born.)

so rae called today. she had some funny story to tell me about a conversation she had with our grandmother that ended in ramifications for me. thanks sis. actually, it's not bad enough for me to have too bad of ramifications. but still. [speaking of, today is grandmother's birthday. need to call her. like...now.]

i actually like the relationship that rae and i have now. it's nice. it's jovial. it's closer than it was. it's...real. it has meaning. there was a time when she and i did not speak. a loooooooong time. she moved out of the house when i was not yet 7 years old. she was 14. i had testified a year or two earlier in court via video tape against her allegations that my father [her stepfather] had molested her, when in fact, he did not. [there's a lot surrounding that. just leave it at that for now.]

the morning she left, she woke me up for school, just like any other morning. she gave me her crimping iron that i had been eyeing in awe for the last 3 weeks, told me that she loved me, and then she was gone. i did not hear from her in a very long time, and our mother kept telling me that she [rae] hated me and was jealous of me and never wanted me to be born because she wanted to be the baby girl of the family. i believed everything my mother told me. why shouldn't i have? she is my mom. she's supposed to tell the truth, right?

my best friend at the time became my worst enemy because rae moved in with her family. my best friend would come to class at school and tell me how much fun she was having with her sister. i remember fighting back tears, longing for what she was describing [because we never did neat stuff with each other at my house] and thinking to myself that's MY sister!!! i wanted to scream it from the mountaintops. my "friend" seemed to find this control quite enthralling and for the next several years, would not miss the chance to tell me of what cool neat things she and her sister were doing.

when i was a teenager, she came to visit once, and we had "awkward" fun. i guess that's the way to describe it. we went and visited sis #1 (shae) and spent a few hours doing nothing, really. then she took me home. my parents would 20 question me to the point of exhaustion, thinking that rae had divulged some petty secret. apparently, there was a petty secret, but rae hadn't divulged that. my parents had just psyched themselves into thinking rae had told me. then one night when my mom was pissed at me she screamed the dirty little secret in anger: "go ahead and tell him! he's not your real father anyway!"
can we say huh?

aaanyways, when i was a senior in high school, out of the blue, rae sent me money for me to get invitations and a mug that i wanted and my class ring. my mom then told me [what i know now are lies] that rae did it out of pity and was angry that i didn't send a thank you note in the amount of time that was appropriate. so i busted my butt at my 2 jobs that i had on weekends and after school and paid her back every cent. i didn't want her pity and i certainly thought that properness ran both ways and a belated thank you because i was a full time student and full time employed at the time should have been understood.

i never had a conversation with my sister until i was in my early twenties. even then it was awkward. but it had to be done. that's another story for another post though.

now that i'm older, i do think sometimes about how much time i missed out on with my sister. 15 years is a long time no matter what kind of age gap there is to not know your sister. since i contacted her, and visited her a few times, and now she has come and visited me, it has been getting easier and easier to build that relationship. she has stayed in my home. that surprised me so much because she has never been to the midwest. and she came here. to see me. like i'm someone worth spending time on.

talking to her, being with her, laughing with her doesn't seem awkward anymore. we now call each other all the time. i call her and there's no: "hello this is your sister..." and a realization on the other end of oh yeah, i do have a sister! we know who it is now, no explaination necessary. and now, we don't even have to have a reason to call like we did before. it can be something simple like her buying a trash can, something important like her non-existent relationship with her biological father & our mother. or something hilariously funny or my neice calling me to say hi auntie! i am so glad i didn't miss out on this wonderful neice. and super glad i'm no longer missing out on this wonderful sister

i have a sister who wants to CALL ME to tell me about stupid stuff like the price of a trash can! i have a sister who wants to CALL ME to tell me about the effect a conversation with grandma will have on me!!

people.........I.HAVE.A.SISTER!!!

and it feels really really good.


2 delights:

Cassie said...

That is so amazing. I have never been estranged from any of my sisters. Honestly they are my best friends. I am so glad that you are getting to work on a relationship with her!

blaze said...

That's awesome. I hope the relationship continues to grow.