My photo
i laugh too loud. i sing all the time. i cry easily. i've been told i have the oddest sense of humor. ever. yes, i'm the one in the movies laughing when no one else gets it. the only time i dance is for my kids. they love my "rubber dance!" remember in school when you use to shake your pencils til they looked all bendy and rubbery? yeah, it's like that! ha! i stay up late and wake up early. i see a therapist who helps keep me straight and making good decisions. i do not speak to my mother and think this is great! I am moody, opinionated, emotional, intelligent, and empathetic. i love all things girly but mostly shoes, and have a bizarre infatuation with the following: lady gaga, celine dion, stacy london, britney spears. (how the heck does that even make sense?!) oh yeah and i am addicted to my iPhone.


katy interviewed me: [ps: go check it outttt!]

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

ready to spill...pt 2

if you are just joining me and would like to catch up, reading post ready to spill first might help you to understand the following better. =)

2 weeks went by with out a word from my mother. or father. i was beginning to be okay with my phone ringing. my text messages dinging. i was getting out of the habit of putting my phone on silent. just as i started to relax a little bit, things turned for the worse.

friday afternoon i received a text from my brother. it was a normal text of a picture of his son gavin. i did not respond. i never did anymore. the way my family has always made me feel...always treated me...was not something i was wanting to open back up by responding to a text. a few hours later i received another text from my brother. i thought wow, that's odd, 2 texts in one day? and that's when i knew. i knew in the pit of my stomach why he was texting. because the texting dings were coming swift, loud, demanding. and i remember thinking shit. mother talked to him. and i remember inching slowly towards my phone, afraid of the words that i wasn't sure if i could just brush off...

*explicit language following. i do apologize. but i'm purging here so...=)

brother's texts in paragraph form: what the f*ck is your problem? who the f*ck do you think you are? you g*dd*mn f*cking c*nt wh*re! you snotty little stuck up b*tch! you are a snotty stuck up little c*nt b*tch who needs to pull her head out of her a$$ and realize that the world does not revolve around her! you have a prob with me, you come to me about it, dont' b*tch to everybody else and then act like nothing is wrong when you talk to me! oh and tell sir g that it was appropriate for us to bring gavin to golden corrall that morning! what the hell did he expect us to do? leave him home, alone!? on father's day!? don't you call or text me until you pull your head out of your fat a$$ and learn to grow up and realize that the world doesn't revolve around you because i'm here to tell you you stupid little fat a$$ c*nt b*tch, it DOESN'T!

at this point, i'm in tears. but i did not respond. and boyyyy this was  hard. when i am attacked, i hold no punches. you want this proper woman, this diva to show her true southern colors, start running off at your mouth and i can throw down.
but i knew this was my mother's doing. she did this because i hadn't called her in the time she thought was appropriate for me to have "gotten over" her visit her emotional and mental damage. she was impatient about my not calling. all she wanted was for me to call her and talk to her because if i did that, she won. it's a control game with her. obviously she told him quite a few lies. obviously she stretched the truth.
i never complained about my brother to anyone. not even to my parents. i simply let my hurt feelings be known. and my hurt feelings weren't even about my brother as much as they were about my parents making choices that were hurting my children. i didn't want to cause an argument so i didn't include him in my conversations with my mother and father. that we had in my house. i'm not going to stir up strife. i just wanted to patch things up with my parents (that sooooo didn't happen) and give my kids real grandparents (that soooooo didn't happen either.) and as far as gavin & the golden corrall thing: the kid had a fever. he had green snot pouring from his nostrils and screamed the entire father's day breakfast. it wasn't appropriate for him to be there. and no one actually TOLD him this. my mother asked in front of him and the entire family if in my expert opinion (one of my degrees is in early childhood education, health, & safety) did i think it was appropriate for gavin to be at the breakfast and i stated the truth: he needed to be at home resting and getting well.

so an hour or so later...(at this point it's after 1 am.)

brother's text in paragraph form: what?! omg! what?! the person who has something to say about EVERYTHING has NOTHING to say!? you want to know why i never want to have anything to do with you??? you annoy the sh*t out of me! you always have! i f*cking hate you! you aren't even my g*dd*mn sister! we don't even have the same father! you constantly talk without pause! you think you know everything! i don't like sir g! and i don't want to be constantly climbed on by some hyperactive f*cking kids who should both be on some g*dd*mn ritalin but for some reason their mother is too fat a$$ and lazy to take them to the f*cking doctor to get it for them!

(allow me to clarify here that my brother was diagnosed with adhd at 6 years of age and spent most of his childhood and teenage years [up until the drugs] on ritalin. my brother is a high school drop out who repeated 8th grade twice and then gave up during 9th grade. he spent the better part of his young teenage and adult years on massive amounts of drugs, collecting action figures and playing video games. he has worked in the produce department at a local grocery store since he dropped out of the 9th grade. he doesn't have a driver's license. he never got his ged. he met his wife at a bar in his small town and got a call from her 6 weeks later that she was pregnant and so he married her. he is 26.)

but back to the texts: honestly it goes like this on and on...basically repeating  himself with rude and inexcusable verbage. i turned my phone off all weekend long. when i turned it back on monday morning to get ready for work calls to start pouring in, i was bombarded by over 300 text messages between him, his wife, and my mother. each one worse than the last. each one more emotionally damaging. so i deleted them all without reading the rest. i really wanted to read it but i couldn't. i wasn't in any shape to do that.

monday night i went to my therapy appointment. i couldn't even speak. i was filled with so much hurt. so much pain. so many thoughts and questions and feelings of rejection poured out of my mouth at a rate much faster than i thought possible.

whyyy can't my parents love me? why can't my family love me? why have they never taken up for me? why is it me who helps them, takes care of them, saves them when they are in binds, and is always there to take a call, lend a hand, give advice, and then it is me who is let down time and time again??

i don't even remember everything i said, i just remember crying. [i seriously think my first 3 appointments she didn't say a word, just listened and let me cry! lol]

i couldn't blog. i  could barely function through my work days. it was a blessing this happened over the summertime because i really don't know how i'd have gotten stuff ready for work, and both of my ladies ready for school every morning. i was barely waking up on time as it was. i spiraled downward.

after therapy that night, we decided to take the girls to the park. i needed some fresh air. and little did i know that this would also cause another turning point in how i broke away from my "family."

but i'll save that for another post. this one is long enough i think.

8 delights:

Cassie said...

wow! all I can say is if that is a sample of your "normal" family interaction, you are truly better off without them.

m-m-m-melissa said...

BIG congratulations for not reading any of those sure to be hateful texts. that took willpower and not everyone has that much of it.

your little girls are luck-luck-lucky that you recognize what is healthy and unhealthy in your life, no matter how closely those unhealthies are tied into your existence.

katandkarl said...

i know you know this but you are NONE of those things. NOT ONE. you are clearly (and i know i don't know you or your entire history but in my experience) a caring, loving mother, a professional who loves her work, and a great friend to many. please keep deleting. i am sorry your family is (sorry) being like this.

Kathryn said...

Wow. I'm not sure what to say here. You poor thing. Sometimes, a girl has to take some space from family...the ones we're the closest to...that can also hurt us the most.
Brother is "cruisin' for a bruisin" as I like to say....dying for a fight. Don't give in. Try to stay strong. Vent here...it's better.

Stacia said...

cream rises to the top...keep your head up and as you know I am only an email away!

emotional diva said...

thank you all so much for your comments! i appreciate each and every one of them from the bottom of my heart!


blaze said...

Unfortunately your family doesn't know love and that is sad and heartbreaking. I'm sorry. I'm impressed that you didn't fall into their abusive pattern, that you know love is expressed without putting others down and you're passing that on to Natalie and Olivia. I'm proud of you for breaking away because even though it's right it doesn't make it any less painful.

BlackLOG said...

You are not alone in having a "difficult" mother. Losing my father at 17 and then having to deal with my mother attempting to control me made me grow up real quick and stand on my own to feet. I think the hardest thing was how she tried to turn my sister and I against each other - fortunately we realised early on what she was up to and used to have a laugh at her latesy pathetic attempts. Sorry to hear that your brother has not given you the support I had. I know people will tell you not to lose touch with family but when they are this Toxic and causing you and your family this level of grief, my advice is get a huge axe* and severe the ties.

Keep strong and don't lete the b*st*rd grind you down.

* Please note this is figuratively speaking. I don't want to find that I get a visit from the police asking why I incited a blood lust orgy of killing.....